Illicit Attachment (Obi-Wan Kenobi)

Chapter 4

The next day I lay on my bed throwing a caf mug up and down with the force. I replay the contents of the day before. I keep on seeing, feeling, imagining the kiss in excruciating detail. I keep seeing Obi-Wan commending me on our successful mission in front of the entire Jedi council. And I see our mutual confession. They way that even though I told him I was going to take the blame with him, he still worded his confession to give me a way out.

It still doesn't explain why he would kiss me. Now we are both sitting in our quarters awaiting the decision of the council regarding our fates. When I said I had been wanting to do that for a long time, he said that he had too... How long has his desire been mutual? Did he have to push away thoughts as frequently as me? And even now as I try to push away the thoughts as the kiss plays detailed in my head over and over again, I find it almost impossible. I try to pick up a book, but I'm unable to focus on it at all.

After the events of yesterday, I don't know if I could even handle having Obi-Wan as my Master any more. If... I would even be allowed to be in the order anymore that is. I feel like I am continuously breaking the no attachment rule just by having these thoughts... But is it really attachment if I just... want to kiss him. No. No. These thoughts of compromise lead you down a dark path you need to stop.

I think on attachment for a moment. Am I actually attached to Obi-Wan? I suppose any apprentice would be attached to their master to some extent.They spend a lot of time together, they go on missions together, eat together, practice dueling together. I have pushed away every thought I've had about him for so long that I've never had an actual chance to dwell on it. Were the thoughts I had just of desire, or were they because of a deeper attachment I felt to Obi-Wan?

Since I am about to get kicked out anyway... I finally allow the thoughts to flow. Years ago, when I had only been his apprentice for months he pulled me out of the way of almost getting hit by a blaster. When he gripped my arm that was the first time he had ever touched me and I swear I felt a jolt go though my body at his touch. I think about the time when I rescued him from where he had gotten caught and locked up. When I showed up, the look on his face when he saw me sent a rush of emotions running through me. There was a time when we were outnumbered and barely managed to escape with our lives intact, and the thought of losing him made me want to scream in agony. Thought, after thought, after thought, consumes my mind of every instance, every interaction with Obi-Wan. As each one replays I come to the realization that there is something... much deeper than just desire. No desire was just what was bubbling up from the surface from all my repressed thoughts. I... no... I can't. If I do, I'm in much deeper trouble than I originally realized. Is this... what love is? Do I... Love Obi-Wan?

Growing up in the Jedi I have almost no concept of love. Aside from love from a parent to a child, or love from a friend to a friend, or what you hear in passing of what others experience as romantic love, there is almost no exposure to it growing up. I remember once a man describing to me as a youngling how much he loved his wife as I was on a train back to the temple. I asked him why he had flowers and went unprompted into the most devoted, loving speech I've ever heard in my life about the love he had for his wife. As a young padawan at around 15, a fellow padawan brought romance books to the female padawan dorms and she read them allowed and we all listened. It always intrigued me how the two fell in love each time. In one book they slowly realized their love for one another. In a different one they fell in love suddenly. In another, one falls in love slowly without realizing that the other has been in love the whole time. Finally it was discovered after someone was feeling bad about having continuously listened to something that felt like we were not allowed to be listening to, and told a master. The books were confiscated the next day. It's not that there was a rule explicitly against it, but it was extremely taboo and frowned upon. I guess they thought a room full of teenage female padawan yearning for romance was not the best idea. Aside from my own feelings being something I can only think to describe as such a deep longing to be with someone despite any repercussions with no other reason except for the fact that it is that person.

With this little context of what I know love to be... I think I love Obi-Wan.

...

I stand in front of the council chambers three days after our admission of breaking one of the Jedi's most fundamental rules. I was notified that a decision was made and to go to the council chambers immediately. I stand there waiting to be summoned inside as Obi-Wan comes up beside me. A cloud comes over my head and I feel my face drain at the realization of what my thoughts have revealed to me recently, not helping my case for why I should be able to stay in the order.

"They summoned us together?" I ask. It's odd because if it was a decision like getting kicked out of the order we would be notified individually, so why are they telling us their decision together?

"It seems so." He says with a flat polite smile. He looks at me for a long while. His eyes look... sad. We both turn as the doors open and we're summoned in.

"Come in you may." Master Yoda says. The whole council is present in person, which it's kind of weird to not have at least one holoproject in or absent. How big a deal was this? We enter into the chamber and I bow per my station and Obi-Wan does as well. I guess he is technically stripped of his rank and position right now. We both rise and Master Windu starts.

"I must say it is very rare for a council member to come to us with this, especially with their apprentice, so we took much time in careful deliberation. We have come to a conclusion." Master Windu says with his authoritative voice. We both look up at him expectantly. Master Windu looks to the other Masters on the council before speaking with authority again. "You will continue to train as Master and apprentice." The look of shock on both of our faces is very apparent.

"Thank you for your decision... but I must ask, and I mean no offense... is that wise?" I say hesitantly. After the past three days of dwelling in my thoughts, I'm not sure if Obi-Wan continuing to be my Master is something I can handle.

"This is a first offense for you both and you are both very valued here, Obi-Wan as a Master and Council member, Vo'ar as a very promising apprentice who we honestly see the potential of becoming a Master someday. It is why your training has taken so long." He adds on. "We believe that continuing to work together will help you become stronger Jedi in the long run." We both stand there silently taking in Master Windu's words. "As I was saying, you will continue training together, we will not assign Vo'ar to a different Master. Your ranks will be restored, but you will have someone chaperoning your training sessions at all times. You will both be on a probation of sorts. Once you both have proven you've grown past this your chaperone will be removed again. Obi-Wan, you will no longer have a seat on this council until you are off your probation. You will both have extra meditation sessions as well to help you move past this. If we have reason to believe you have broken any rules again, we will reevaluate and consider the possibility of removal from the order. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Master." We both say in unison. Although I may not think their decision is wise given my revelations these past days about my feelings, it would be even more unwise to continuously question the Jedi Council's decision.

"You will continue your training as usual tomorrow. Joint missions are on hold until you're off probation, Obi-Wan will go on missions alone unless instructed otherwise. Any questions?" We remain silent. "You're dismissed." Master Windu dismisses us and we walk out and the doors close behind us. I drop to the ground and clutch my chest trying to calm the panic. Tears begin to poor out and I am on my hands and knees in front of the doors sobbing. What is up with me and the tears lately?

"Vo'ar?" Obi-Wan says to me putting his hand on my shoulder trying to see if I'm alright.

"I thought I was going to get kicked out of the order." I say through ugly sobs.

"I thought we both were."

I sit there and sob for a bit and he doesn't leave my side. This alone, especially given the context, is wrong, but it feels nice to have him there. I slow down my sobs and sniff, wiping my face on my sleeve. I am going to try my best to get over this. I am going to work my hardest. I have been given a rare second chance that no one could have predicted I would get, and I will not waste it.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello! As always I hope you're enjoying the story. Please let me know what you're thinking in the comments! I'd love to improve in anyway I can! Have a lovely day!