I use to watch my mother & father slow dance in the living room. There stood a fire behind them, the fireplace had family photos scattered across the ledge. It burned bright orange, the same color of the sun setting over the horizon, with the waves of the deep ocean dancing alongside them. I could see the fire on their faces, their eyes held a twinkle as they stared at each other in complete love. She was so madly in love, she held him like nothing else mattered anymore. I wanted a love like that, passionate and slow burning. My dad, he was a hero. He would be the first to rush into a fire, But he was also the last to leave one. He was MY hero nonetheless. That is until he met his worse enemy.
Alcohol.
My dad wasn't one to drink, or even be known as a drunk. He made my heart hurt day by day as I saw him wither away. His job gave him so much trauma, so much pain he just couldn't hold it anymore. My mother, nonetheless still loved him. Even with his new flaws, she would care for him. Even after the first night he hit her. She still loved him. She had walked away from him that night. Left palm on her cheek. But she soon came back with a blanket and a cup of water for him. Her eyes had softened as she looked at my dad passed out on the sofa. He had his hand hanging down from the couch, snoring sounds escaping his lips. She gently covered him up, and set the glass beside him. I watched her kneel on the floor next to him, holding his hand with tears streaming down her face. I knew she was praying for him to get better. She begged God to make him better. She vowed to always love him, but how much can you really take before that love doesn't seem to appear anymore? It took my mom awhile before she realized he wasn't going to get better, he didn't want to. He was so far gone, in the deep dark hole. That no matter how much light you try to shine in, You won't ever see the bottom.
By the age of sixteen my mom took her own life. I found her laying in the bath tub, wearing her favorite white dress. Her lips were blue with a hint of purple. Her hair was scattered over the tub siding, and on the ground was just one word.
Free.
I never fully understood why she did what she did, because she left me. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she left me with him. He wasn't that bad, at least thats what everyone else said at the funeral. They all stood and watched me, almost like they were waiting to see if I would crumble. I wouldn't let them see me crumble.
"You are strong Em. Don't let anyone take that from you. Especially not a man. No matter where I am, I will ALWAYS be here beside you."
All I could think of was, what of me? She left me with him, what would come of me now? She wasn't here to protect me, or guide me. I lost that, and almost any hope I had.
"Come on Em." My dads voice boomed, patting me on my back. He had dark eye bags, and pale skin. He was sad, even after everything he did, he was heart broken. I turned away from my mother, and followed obediently behind my father. My dark raven hair covered my face from the others who sat in the room. I could hear their whispers, the questions and doubts they had.
"Poor girl, she was the one to find her mother."
"Poor girl indeed, how wrong of her wretched mother to kill herself. Let alone where her very own daughter could find her. Selfish if you ask me"
They didn't know the pain she endured. I didn't think she was selfish. I thought of her as freed. I did miss her, I wish she never left me. I do have anger towards her for leaving me. But, my dear mother. I loved you so much, and I would have been okay to go with you. It was cool outside, the trees leaves were just starting to turn colors and fall to the ground. Some were already bare, while others held onto their green color. My dad stood next to his blue buick, He held open the passenger door and stared at me. I picked up my pace and slid into the passenger seat, letting him close the door as I grabbed the buckle. As he started the car, he turned the radio on. For the most part, we sat in silence. I liked it that way, it was peaceful. As I was staring outside I watched the leaves fall flawlessly to the ground. The clouds sat perked up against one another, the sky held its infamous baby blue. I watched as the wind cradled the leaves. Watching the outside in silence makes you wish the world was actually that peaceful.
"Em, are you listening to me?" My dad spoke roughly. I flinched at his voice, and answered him.
"I'm sorry dad, I was day dreaming again. What were you saying?"
"In a few months, after you finish school you will be leaving" He said. He held no emotion, and continued staring ahead as he turned left.
"What do you mean I'll be leaving?" I asked, I turned my head and stared at him. I waited for his response, or even a glance. The car came to a complete stop, glancing up I could see we were home. He shut the car off, and proceeded to get out. I followed not to far behind.
"Your mom didn't want you to live here with me. In order for me to get anything she left, she requested I make a choice. Give you to her friend, Sarah and she will be your guardian. Which will also include me signing my rights off, and get the inheritance. Or keep you and everything will go to you. So easy to say, you will be leaving." He didn't seem to care much. I was his only daughter, his only kid. His only connection to the one person he did love. The one person HE killed.
"Okay" thats all I could say, who was I to defy him? I didn't want to be in the same spot as my mother once was. I knew she wouldn't want that for me. If she wanted me with this Sarah girl, it must be whats best.
I trust her.
Dead Or Alive.
