Heart, Body & Soul (MxM)

Chapter Twenty-Five

‘What’s happening?’ The light on the bedroom is on at night, he heard some noise a minute ago, but there is no Ivan in the bed or in the room. The door is open.

‘Ivan.’ He calls out.

He waits for about a minute before calling out again. ‘Ivan?’

The sleep in his body is making it hard for him to focus, and slow, but he drags his sleepy body out of the bed and walks towards the door. Before he reaches the door, Ivan comes back to the room.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah. It was an important call.’

‘Okay…’ Riyaan drawls as he sees Ivan clearly tensed. ‘Will you come back to sleep now?’ He asks curiously.

‘Not sure. You should go back to sleep.’

Riyaan doesn’t believe he can either. This is the first time he is seeing Ivan like this. Serious and tense faces. Something has happened, yet he cannot ask more. But he wants to. And he needs to. ‘Is everything alright?’

‘Yeah.’

He doesn’t want to leave Ivan alone, especially when he looks so tense and stressed. But clearly Riyaan is not the person that people like Ivan would like to be around right now. He is the person for fun conversations and passing the time. When life needs a distraction, not not life gets real. And Riyaan cannot make him see that maybe he is worth more than just a quick pleasure. If he had a chance, he would at least offer friendship even though more than that is not what Ivan is looking for.

Riyaan has apologised for the email, but he doesn’t know how effective it was. Because they still haven’t spoken much after that. Ivan is either busy, or not indulging him, at all.

He pulls the comforter but instead of closing eyes  he goes through probable things that must have happened. The list starts with financial problems with business all through a security plan going wrong. But Riyaan believes the latter would have demanded more reaction than just silent tense, and a hint of sadness.

Sometime later, he registers that Ivan has come back to bed. He wants to turn over, and hug him like he sometimes does. But he doesn’t.

*          *         *

‘Good morning,’ Riyaan says as he sees Ivan come out of the bath. He doesn’t seem to be so sad anymore but the tense in his face is still visible.

‘Morning. I’ve already prepared breakfast, but if you want, I can order something else.’

‘It’s okay. I’ll have whatever it is there.’

‘You have never had a fussy attitude, did you?’ Ivan smiles at him, a big fat smile. Not a smile that warms his heart, but rather, makes him feel like they are going far away.

‘Never.’ Riyaan tries to match his enthusiasm, but he has no context so he feels low-key stupid.

By the time he comes to the dining after brushing his teeth, Ivan has set plates for them both on the table.

‘So, you should know something.’ Ivan starts.

‘Yes, clearly.’ Riyaan is thankful that he didn’t have to ask.

‘Jai is back in India.’

‘Oh!’

‘Yeah.’

He has to say something to make Ivan distract from seeing him, or his expression, in case, anything is going on his face that matches with what’s going on his mind and his body. And there is a lot going on there.

‘That’s a good thing, right?’ He asks after a while.

‘Yeah. Well, he is still stuck with some problems but he’s back.’

‘But you are happy?’

Ivan shrugs. ‘There will be too much going on for the next few weeks, or months, even. I have to help him with things.’

Ivan starts clearing their plates. And Riyaan has got the hint; he won’t be discussing the elephant in the room anytime soon. But he is so tired of it all. He wants more, maybe he was not experienced enough to understand what it could lead to, or what kind of situation he will be involved in, but he is now. Too involved.

‘Ivan,’ He calls out, rather softly. Although he knows he cannot keep that control. The fear and insecurity in his stomach is taking a dangerous turn, which he can no longer deny, nor control. When he hears no response, he makes his way to the kitchen. Ivan takes a look at him from doing the dishes.

‘What does it mean for us?’ He asks in a slow and controlled manner, but he knows it’s all fake. He is burning with what comes next, or worse, the things he dreaded from time to time comes true. Is it time now for it to end? Is it truly over now?

‘What do you mean?’ Yet, there is no confusion in his voice.

‘You and me. What about you and me?’ He almost yells.

‘Listen, that kiss was a mistake. My mistake, it's not your fault. It was mine. I crossed the line.’ Ivan looks at him, doesn’t go back to doing the dishes. His voice is calm, balanced and calculated, making Riyaan hate himself more.

‘Your fault? Why does it have to be a fault, anyone's?’

‘You want to say something, anything — say it. I deserve it.’

‘Well, forget it. I mean what does it matter?’

‘You should say it.’

‘Are you seriously saying that all these times we had together, this has just been sex for you? You..you sometimes... Do you know what I think? I think you still waited so long to kiss me because you enjoy how much it torments me. It makes you see how much I want you. I don’t believe..,’ Riyaan breaks down a little. His voice is choky but he doesn’t want Ivan to think of him any more pathetic than it already is. ‘ — I truly don’t believe that every time you are fucking me, especially in these last months, a promise you made yourself years ago was not on your mind telling you not to kiss me.’

If Riyaan had one chance to not say those words, he would probably have taken it without a thought. But now that he says it, the words ring more true to his heart.

‘Always reminding me about a man in your life in future, were you telling me, or yourself? Maybe you're just scared to be in a relationship anymore, you show that you are open for open relationship, bla bla bla. That's just not you, Ivan. I know you don't love him, and he doesn't love you either.’

‘You don't know me.’ Ivan lets out a short laugh, filled with sarcasm.

‘No, you don't know me!’

‘I always feared this.’

‘Maybe you should’ve learnt more about how a casual relationship works. You bring me food, get worried when I get sick, remember my favourites, spend time with me,’ You flirted with me. ‘..but going to a restaurant together would mean dating so you’re smart enough to draw the line there.’ Riyaan has said a lot in what feels like an hour to him, and he is already tired. Yet, he doesn’t feel like stopping.

‘What do you think people do on dates, Ivan?’

‘I don't know. Never really liked fancy restaurant dates much.’

Is he joking, or is he serious? Is he seriously joking when Riyaan is so angry?

‘How cold-hearted are you exactly? Did something happen to you as a child?’ The venom in his heart finds outlet through his voice.

‘You were the one so hell-bent on loving. I wasn’t.’

‘Then why show me warmth, at all? Why did you kiss me?’

Ivan doesn’t look back at him, and leaves the kitchen.

‘Ivan, why?’