Heart, Body & Soul (MxM)

Chapter Thirty

‘Sorry,’ Riyaan says as soon as his eyes meet Ivan. He is wearing a white shirt but that's not a regular formal shirt. It has a shine to it — he surely looks no less than an Italian model. He definitely has a fashion sense.

Riyaan cannot read his eyes, and that bothers him more than he understands.

‘You can leave, I won't stop you.’ Ivan slowly walks past him, stone cold face.

Is he mad? Good. Riyaan is mad at him too. For everything, especially for looking so good, all over again, so he walks out too. And that's when a grip on his wrist stops him. The grip on his wrist is quite rigid.

‘Yes?’

‘You never meant to wait for me, did you?’

Riyaan, obviously that now caught red-handed, feels guilty and shrugs.

‘Is that all you care about nowadays? Projects, studies, parties?’

‘What are you talking about, I don't even know enough people to be at parties.’

‘Answer the question.’

Two men walking by look at them weirdly, landing their eyes for a brief moment on Ivan's grip on his hand.

‘You’re being too loud.’

‘I am still asking,’ Ivan says, this time with a little softer and lower voice.

‘No. I care about a lot of other things.’

‘Me? Am I one of those things?’

Does he have no idea? Is he those things? Riyaan doesn't know how to feel, Ivan is not one of those things, he is everything to him. How does he answer that?

‘I do care about you, to some extent.’ Isn't that what Ivan wanted anyway? To keep distance, emotionally.

‘To some extent…’ Ivan repeats. ‘You have been avoiding me, why?’

‘Do I really need to speak it out?’

‘You do. Because I have no idea. You left and left a note. I can argue that even “to some extent” is a lie. I'd like to know the truth honestly.’

The truth? The truth is, he wanted more. But that's not what this is about anymore. Now, it's also about his wanting Ivan to want him.

Riyaan sighs. Why does he have to tell? Why can't he be the one to ask the questions?

‘I…just met your ex’s ex.’

‘I am sorry, who?’

‘Gary.’

‘Ah, I see. And?’

‘He seem to understand quite quickly how we know each other. Or what we are to each other. Way too quickly for my liking.’

‘What about it that made you dislike it?’

‘That whatever we did or had is very common for you guys, nothing special, nothing more.’ He says that as if he is asking for an answer. A clarification. As if he expects Ivan to …fix it, like he promised but forgot.

‘Okay. Can we talk about this? Meet me somewhere.’

‘No. My exams start tomorrow.’ Riyaan frees his wrist from Ivan's grasp. He already misses the touch. ‘Did you lie to me about going on the trip?’

Ivan considers him at this. For a moment, it feels like he is going to say something.

‘No. I just didn't tell you that I didn't in the end.’