Heart, Body & Soul (MxM)

Chapter Thirty-five

‘Is Jai really a non-issue?’

Riyaan asks Ivan during his lunch hour at his office. The thought of Ivan lying in his cheap mattress — perhaps working on his laptop — is hugely responsible for his distracting focus on the work today. He wishes he could have negotiated more work from home hours. But alas! Not after his last exam was over.

‘Yes. Do you want me to tell him to leave? I'll book a hotel suite for him or something. We can go back to the house.’

‘No,’ he replies immediately. ‘I don't want that.’

He is not satisfied with how his voice sounds — rough and unsure against Ivan's soft one. But no, he doesn't want Ivan to tell his ex that. He is not that person. All he wants is Ivan, and to be wherever he is. But he wouldn't mind Ivan giving a hint to his ex that he is no longer available to be on his ex’s dream plans.

‘Sure.’

‘Why did you make me feel like he holds so much power? Over your dating life?’

‘Have I? Wasn't it you always obsessed, asking about my ex. All I had was a plan with him, not passion. You know, I used to get so irritated whenever you kept pushing about him.’

‘Kris said you were committed to him.’

‘Kris?’

‘On the first day. I kind of liked you. And he said you were committed to someone, off limits.’

Ivan can think of him however he wants to but at the end of day, the truth is, deep down he always knew he wanted more than just the “arrangement”. Maybe Ivan has now learnt to tolerate him, like him.

‘You know what his fiancé told me though? He told me about your sexual orientation the very first time, told me you're single, and asked me to make you feel comfortable during the ride. Kris… forget it!’

‘Tell me.’ Riyaan demands, desperately.

‘I just wanted to say that Kris knows some things, but not everything.’

‘You…knew my sexual orientation the very first day? But… I remember you asked me about my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure you mentioned it.’

‘I did.’

‘Why?’

‘Oh dear!’

‘What do you mean? By the way, Kris also said that you told Preet how you wanted to get rid of me. I'll have you answer that to me too, someday.’

‘Ah, so that's what reached your ear. I never said I wanted to get rid of you. Not like that. Didn't say it like that.’

‘So you did say it?’ It should be okay because he has Ivan sitting in his place, his bed and they are talking, but Riyaan would be lying if he said it's not hurting him still.

‘Don’t,’ Ivan says softly. When Riyaan says nothing, Ivan explains. ‘I… we were getting into a dangerous zone. You were flirting, I was flirting, especially when I was in Paris, and that scared me baby, I thought I gave you promises by doing that and I thought I will not be enough for everything you want. Trust me, I wanted to be enough but I didn't think I could be enough. So I was asking him how to make you go away, because we were too involved. You and me both, too involved.. and I instantly thought I have to run the other way, and I have zero idea why I didn't think I could just pull you into my arms and keep you forever... I can be stupid sometimes, you'll know if you stick around…’

Riyaan wishes Ivan to be with him all the time but he won't deny when Ivan was away for the last Paris trip, this is where Ivan said both texted and called during the trip. It sure was a confidence boost for him.