Heart, Body & Soul (MxM)

Chapter Thirty-Four

‘Shut up,’ Riyaan mutters to himself as he digs his head deeper into the pillow. His thinking process right now is a mess, it's prompting him to ask Ivan about things. Things like, what does this whole thing means — that they had sex, a very passionate one at that. But what's so big a deal about it? that's what they had been doing and their whole arrangement about. But they kissed, but then again, not for the first time. Although something that he cannot downplay is Ivan saying he has a thing for Riyaan. That's…wild. Crazy things that make him want to smile.

So, this isn't the time when he should ask Ivan for some assurance, despite badly needing it. He doesn't want to ask, why can't it just happen for him. Enjoy being in Ivan's embrace, where for a moment, he doesn't have to care where they stand, together. Because if he asks…this all might go away. They did have fights before, because of all these questions, and Ivan low-key showed disapproval of Riyaan’s asserting rights over his time. He doesn't want to be the same old insecure man.

When he registers Ivan's hot breath against his nape, all he wishes is that when he wakes up the next morning, he does feel the warmth. He wouldn't know what else he would do otherwise.

*            *              *

But it's not there anymore.

When he opens his eyes, he doesn't register a particular warmth against his body. No hot breaths. But it's only when he looks behind him and doesn't see the man of his dreams, he starts tearing up.

It hurts him way more than it should have. Maybe Ivan will send a message that he had to leave. Maybe he will call in the evening, asking how he sleeps. But none of those thoughts brings him peace, nothing will be good enough.

Somehow in the curl of his hand, he touches the copper locket in the sheet. Did Ivan leave it on the bed? As he tries to read the engraving again, sniffling, the unlocking of the door makes him stiffen.

Ivan enters and lands his eyes on Riyaan, ‘You awake?’

And maybe, just maybe, Riyaan has been too fast in letting his tears roll down.

‘Hey.’ Ivan climbs the bed slowly, and looks at him worriedly. It's too late to hide and wipe off his tears now.

‘Did you have a bad dream?’ Ivan runs a hand through his hair.

‘Yeah,’ Riyaan says, doing the same to Ivan's hair.

‘What was it?’

‘I don't know.’

‘Was it me? Was I being mean and cruel again?’

Riyaan laughs, the happiest laugh he can have with tears in his eyes. ‘No.’

‘No?’ Ivan kisses him on his forehead. ‘Was it just sad, or scary too?’

‘Sad. Scary. Disappointing. Hopeless, and everything.’

‘Hmm,’ Ivan scoots closer to him while lying down by his side. He feels the warmth again. ‘You can tell me when you want or you will probably just forget it.’

He would tell Ivan the truth but he doesn't want to put pressure. Not like this; he wouldn't want to hold Ivan to himself, not like this.

‘I know you're upset right now, but there's someone outside that kind of gave a scary stare. I thought you should know. Hopefully that's not your flatmate?’

‘He is at his girlfriend's place. No, it's not him. Are you talking about the large and tall man with a half jacket?’

‘Yes, exactly that.’