I Found Home

Chapter 29

Kane

Where there is much light , the shadow is deep .

It is strange how light can give birth to darkness in the shape of a shadow that helps shielding people from the insufferable heat , yet the concept is always about how darkness is an ugly thing meant to create chaos and wreck havoc . If the warm sunlight can it , then there is beauty in darkness , there is goodness in obscurity and there is no light without some blackness .

The way these two things are so opposite yet so nested together is fascinating , I find consolation in it in these dire times I'm going through , in the midst of my worst breakup and the news of my cousin's pregnancy news .

Dark and light .
Bad and good .

I've been battling myself to keep going on , to just move on , to just forget . But when did I ever listen to the sound of rationality when the matter is about her ?

Hannah has never been easy , and that difficulty of hers stirs things inside me , things that lead me to feel stuck in a circle of numbness and despair , only today did my mood freshen up a bit by hearing that Darcy is about to become a mother like she had always wished for . Apart from this , it's all been dull and painfully normal this week .

For a young girl , she hurt me badly like nobody has ever managed to do before .

Her words sent waves of anger and frustration through me , but what hurt the most was the fact that she had never been probably so serious about us the way I was , and I have been in many relationships before where I only looked for a pastime . I was too focused on my goals and consumed by books , I didn't want anything serious with any woman , I only dated for fun but as I grew up I found that I have some special needs that need to be fulfilled , so that was all mostly . I never promised them any commitment because most women I dated attracted me , yes , but it was never something beyond the usual crush we all have for someone at some point , it never was intense and filled with tension the way I feel it is with Hannah .

If it isn't God's punishment to me for all the hearts I probably broke before I don't know what that is .

Not that I hurt many women , first I didn't date many and second most were understanding when I made my intentions clear that all I'm looking for was a temporary relationship where we enjoy each other's company until we don't anymore. Some of those women on the other hand had other plans that included marriage in Spain , a house by the lake , four kids and a dog . Plans I definitely crushed .

Those days seem so far away now thanks to Hannah's presence in my life .

The thing that bugs me mostly though is who in hell is that someone else she's falling in love with ?

Because normally it should've been me . None other than fucking me .

I tighten my hold on the steering wheel as I drive towards my house after celebrating the pregnancy news with my family in a restaurant , Carl has been over the moon , choosing names for the baby before it's even born and making sure Darcy is comfortable and needs nothing .

Thinking of their happiness makes me feel a little bit better , however all I keep thinking of is that moment with her in the car and the things she said that make me want to crash this damn vehicle against the nearest tree .

A little girl !

A damn little girl did this to me !

Even now and although she practically dumped me , I miss her so terribly much it scares me . The things I would do to go back to those days when we were together !

The things I would do to have her come back to me ...

But mostly ... the things I would do to her once I have her again ...