Perfect Mess

Broken

My body felt numb and my mind was foggy. It felt as if I woke up from a long slumber.

It took some time for my eyes to adjust to the light. I couldn't recall where I was and for a moment I forget about everything that happened a while back.

When reality finally settled in, my mind went blank. Surely it was just a dream right? A nightmare. Yes that's it. I'm probably still in my room.

But my surroundings betrayed the tiny bit of hope I had left. And the heavy feeling on my stomach and my growing consciousness of my nakedness became prominent. I looked around, my eyes wide in horror.

No, ths can't be happening. NO!

My body trembled and it hurt everywhere. Lying beside me was a shirtless Sean with a content look on his face. He was asleep.

I felt disgusted. My body burning and my eyes tearing up. I didn't know what to do.

I felt frozen. Unable to do anything. I still couldn't process what happened a while back and the growing pain only made it worse.

My clothes were scattered on the floor along with his shirt.In a swift moment I pushed him away, getting up.

My leg gave out as I slipped and fell but I kept trying to get up in a pathetic attempt to get away from this monster.

My whole body was trembling and shaking violently. I couldn't think straight but I knew one think. I was raped. I was raped while I was conscious but my body was paralyzed.

The sound of him grunting as he got up from where I pushed him snapped me out of my denial. I need to get away from here. That was all I could think then.

I grabbed a shirt that was lying on the ground, quickly covering my naked body. It was large enough to reach my thigh and covered everything.

Sean got up from the ground, rubbing his sore neck as his eyes fell on me. Looking at me like I was his prey.

"Awake sleepyhead. Did you have a good night's sleep?" He asked politely with a sikening smile.

My whole body itched and burned under his roming eyes.

"What a nice view to see you looking adorable wearing my shirt. I could get used to this"

I couldn't form any words nor scream at his face. I wanted to shout at him. To scream and tell him how unfair it was. But the lump in my throat didn't allowed it.

I wanted to get away, I wanted to go home.

I felt disgusted and wanted to scrub my body til my skin peels off.

I was scared. But his growing steps towards me was all it took for me to act. Maybe it was my survival instinct which made me grab the fruit knife near me.

Tears streamed down my eyes and I was hysterical .

He slowly came towards me. Cautious like taming a scared animal.

"Shh. Calm down." He said coming towards me slowly.

I closed my eyes shut. My legs seemed useless now.

He placed his hand on my face, drawing soothing circles and something in me snapped. I swung the knife. Dropping it to the ground when I realised what I did. Blood splattered on the ground.

I looked up in horror to find a satisfying cut across his face, blood oozing from it.

He cluthed his cheek, screaming in pain as I ran outside the room.

I ran as fast as I could. I ran like my life depended on it. I ran til my lungs burned like my skin did under his touch and my legs gave out. I ran all the way home and when I reached home, that's when I stopped.

I would have preferred to continue running because right now I was left alone with my thoughts. I didn't realise how I managed to reach my room nor how I ended up in the shower with his disgusting shirt thrown across the floor.

Cold water ran across my skin. I felt lifeless.

Til now I had only ever read about rape victims and how it felt. I never really understood it's depth or their pain. But right now I did. However selfish it may sound, I desperately wish I didn't. I wish I would have remained unaware and oblivious to it. Cause it fucking hurts so much.

The emotional toll it took on me was worse than the physical damage. The bite marks and purple bruises were like his seal, branding me. It reminded me of how fucking helpless and disgusted I felt.

It scattered all across my body. I didn't know how to confront it or accept what happened to me.

All this felt like a big lie but the aftermath was enough to prove it wasn't. I was raped. That is the reality.

My whole body was sore. My face devoid of any emotions while my mind was a mess. Tears was streaming down my face without any sign of stopping. At this point I was not sure whether all that water was from the shower or my eyes.

I felt empty and broken.

Sometimes my mind would be completely blank and my body out of my control. Like right now as I lay on my bed in new pajamas. I don't know how I got here, dressed up from the shower.

My tears ended long back. I'm not sure if I have any left. I felt drained of off everything. This feeling of utter emptiness was maddening. The moment I close my eyes, it's like fragments of my assault was coming back to me. It's like I was reliving that dreadful moment again.

I wish this would end.

Someone knocked on the door making me flinch.

I tightened my hold on the blanket, my face buried in it. I heard the sound of door opening and footsteps growing louder.

It was probably mom or Levi but my heart was beating fast.

"Mom is calling you downstairs for dinner. Everyone's waiting for you."

It was Cole.

My hands were sweating and I felt nauseous. No he's my friend. I've known him for so long. You can't do this to me. He's my childhood.

But for some reason, regardless of that, his voice reminded me of Sean.