Falling for Grayson : birdflash

Ch25: The After

Boys. A small, innocent word, one I had been terrified to say out loud. I felt this grotesqueness inside of me, a putrid sludge of self-hate, shame, anxiety, anger, confusion. I felt like throwing up.

When my feelings for Dick were kept for me, I only felt a warm, light nervousness. It remained surreal, a fantasy that did not need to take place in messy reality. A reality where you must truly confront your feelings, where you can get hurt, where you feel hate towards the one person you can't escape, because wherever you go, there you are.

I avoided my feelings for as long as I could, until the feelings became too loud, hearing an incessant voice in my head, You're lying to her, you're lying to her, you're lying to her.

Every moment forward with Artemis I heard that voice. I could feel my life turning into fiction. I was pretending to live, going through the motions of a happy, joking version of myself. I couldn't tell her the full truth, but I could put an end to the relationship.

I avoided the dread I knew I would feel when I told her the truth, telling her she loved a version of me that never really existed. I believed that version of me existed at one point, the self I thought I was, who I wanted so desperately to be.

But then looking into Dick's eyes, down to his soft lips — something in me was drawn to him. It was as if there was a thread wrapped around my heart, pulling me closer and closer to him. And at times, a desire to be closer than merely in his arms or his lips on my own.

Even if this deep yearning could not be made romantic, what was real was my attraction for him, and to that extent, I could tell Artemis this truth. Vocalizing what had been in my head for months terrified me. Yet here I was, terrified and wanting this moment to end.

Artemis was quiet. Her hand on my head, motionless.

Sitting in this moment felt like an eternity. Normally my thoughts would be racing a million miles a second but there were no real thoughts, my mind was numb. I merely laid there, breathing in the silence and the faint blend of lavender and strawberry from Artemis' clothes and hair.

"Wal?"

My throat was too tight to speak. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer.

"It's okay, Wal. It's okay."

Artemis began slowly stroking my hair, allowing me to remain quiet.

"And this whole time I thought you just didn't like me," Artemis continued. She let out a little laugh. "But knowing that you can't like any girl does make me feel better."

I couldn't help but give a small grin.

"You know, Wal. You could've told me sooner."

I rolled deeper into her lap, burying my face into her thigh.

"But I understand why you didn't. And I won't rush you to tell others — and I won't say anything to anyone, unless you want me to." Artemis leaned further down and kissed the back of my head. "I love you, Wally, and I'll always be there for you."

"Artemis?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you get me a cookie? I'm starving."

Artemis punched me on the shoulder.

"Dumb speedster."

"Also, I love you too."

* * *

Back in my room, I looked in the mirror. My face was all red and snotty from crying. I'm an ugly crier, though nothing a hot shower can't fix. I turned the water on and waited until it was nice and hot before stripping and getting in.

As I let the steaming water pour onto my back, the dark emotions beaded out like sweat, washing down my body and into the drain. The heavy, sinking in my heart was becoming lighter and lighter, my heart rising and rising, finally settling itself in a home it had not inhabited in a very long time.

Only an hour ago I dreaded sharing with Artemis what was once only my own. But after sharing, Artemis — she didn't push away. It felt as if we were almost back together — her love, I mean. I guess she understood my reluctance to tell her and finally saw she wasn't the only one hurt by the breakup. Maybe before she thought I was cold or arrogant, not knowing the gnawing feeling eating me up inside.

I grabbed the orange bodywash and lathered my body. Reaching down to my calves, my legs felt tight. Artemis used to massage my legs all the time. One of the benefits of having a girlfriend. I think she enjoyed pressing down on knots and hearing me scream into a pillow with exaggerated agony, all under the guise of being a 'caring' girlfriend. She did care though. I miss her.

I miss her touch. I miss holding and being held. I wonder if Dick feels this way more than I do.

I still haven't asked him about his date with Rose. I can only hope it went terribly. Though I should only hope that if I have the courage to tell him how I feel.

I turned off the shower and grabbed a towel. It was a red Flash merch Dick got me for all the Batman stuff I give him to annoy him. Still, he went out of his way to get this for me. He cared enough to annoy me. Standing there with the red towel wrapped around my waist, my mind imagined Dick beside me in the foggy mirror, wrapped only in his towel.

There was a knock on the door.

I walked over, still dripping from the shower. I opened the door. It was Dick. His eyes widened.

"I — uh," Dick looked away.

"Can I help you?"

"Conner and M'gann are in the combat room," he said to the ceiling. "You were supposed to be there like 20 minutes ago."

"Oh. Right."

"Go put some clothes on."

"What? It's not that different than seeing me in swimming shorts at the beach. Don't be a prude."

Dick sighed and looked my way. "Fine. But like, go put some clothes on. You're not gonna train in a towel."

"Maybe this is my new uniform."

"You don't have a mask and it's not very aerodynamic."

"First of all, Superman doesn't wear a mask, which I don't know how he gets away with that, and second, I know a way I can make this a little more aerodynamic..."

Dick's face turned bright red. Finally, payback for earlier.

"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON."

"Fine, fine — oh, and thanks for reminding me about training. My mind's been elsewhere."

Dick looked at me as if trying to read my face for answers. It was a peculiar look, one where his head tilted ever so slightly to the left. It was always the left, and it was always adorable.

"Did you fix things with Artemis? I'm guessing the conversation went well, seeing as you're not dead right now."

"Yeah... things went well."

"What did you say?"

"Uh, you know, that I was really sorry, that maybe it's time to move past the breakup for the team's sake," (and that it would have never worked out because I love my best friend), "and yeah, stuff like that."

"You must have a way with words."

"One of my many talents."

"Just like your time-management skills."

"Right. I'll be in the gym in 10 seconds — because you know, I'm very very fast."

"You seemed pretty slow at comebacks in the gym earlier."

"Shut your face."

"See you after training, Wal," Dick said, giving a small wave and turning away.

I slid the door shut and got dressed. I made it to the gym with one of my ten seconds to spare — besides already being 23 minutes late.

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Author:

Wally making progress with Artemis and with himself.