The Moment I Knew (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 4

Liam's POV

"Harry, come on," I said quietly, "He's going to be really upset."

Harry stared stonily over my shoulder, his eyes expressionless. I knew that no amount of persuasion could change his mind.

"Why are you doing this to him? Six months, Harry. You're refusing to see him for six months," I mused, irritated with Harry.

He didn't say anything. He hadn't said anything to me since Louis had talked to him the previous night and he was apparently silent with Zayn and Niall as well.

"You're hurting him," I tried, "And I know you're hurting too, but he's already angry and upset enough because you've refused to see him for five days. Now you're adding six months."

Harry simply blinked before turning around and stuffing a shirt in a suitcase.

We were at his flat, packing his stuff for rehab. I'd checked him out an hour prior with strict instructions to take him to his rehabilitation center as soon as he finished packing and not to take my eyes off of him. Anne had had to go home to talk with her work about a temporary leave, so Paul was acting as Harry's guardian. Harry didn't seem to notice the blood that was still on the floor, nor that his bed had quite obviously been slept in.

I felt nothing but pity knowing that Louis probably never went back to his own flat, instead choosing to go to Harry's. I wondered if having to face such a horrific memory every night contributed to Louis's sleep deprivation or if he wouldn't be able to sleep regardless of where he was.

"Are you mad that you have to go to rehab?" I asked quietly, handing him a pair of jeans.

No response.

"Harry, I just...it would be one thing if you were gone for like six weeks, but six months? That's half a year that you're going to be ignoring him for. He's going to be furious. Just...you can change your mind whenever, yeah?" I tried.

Silence.

I sighed heavily and caught my weary expression in Harry's mirror. I looked tired and worried, but I knew that compared to Louis, I was well-rested and worry-free. He'd never mentioned not being able to sleep, but the bags under his eyes and how the exhaustion paled his skin told it all.

I realized suddenly how much more pressure Louis had on his shoulders compared to the rest of us. Louis had a new fiancée that he was basically ignoring because his best friend had tried to commit suicide because he was madly in love with Louis. I was stressed, but I didn't have a fiancée, nor was I the reason for Harry trying to commit suicide.

"I don't know how he'll take it. He's got so much on his shoulders already, Harry. What's the harm that him visiting you can do?" I asked.

Harry zipped his suitcase and disappeared into his bathroom. He emerged with toothbrush and other toiletries.

"I think you're being downright cruel, honestly," I finally sighed, picking up a second suitcase and following him out of his flat. He locked the door and I considered telling him to forget it, Louis would probably just unlock it later.

"Look, I'm going to go back to the hospital and tell Louis what's up, then we'll go to the center, okay?" I told him, not expecting a response. I heaved his suitcases into my car and got into the driver's seat.

He looked out the window of my car but I saw the way that his fingers clenched slightly.

I drove in silence, wondering if trying to get him to talk was worth it or if waiting for him to decide when to talk was better. I supposed that I would tell his therapist or nurse or whatever about his new silence whenever we arrived at the rehabilitation center.

We approached the hospital and I parked my car a little ways farther away than I necessarily had to, hoping that if paparazzi saw me, they wouldn't see my car with Harry inside.

"Wait right here, alright?" I instructed.

He didn't acknowledge my instructions, instead choosing to continue staring out of the window.

I climbed out and locked the doors. I knew that I really wasn't supposed to leave Harry alone, but I had to tell Louis that Harry wasn't even in the hospital anymore. I headed towards the hospital, ignoring the paparazzi as I got closer to the doors.

I entered and immediatly went to the waiting room that Louis had spent so much time in. Predictably, I found him perched on his usual plastic chair, his expression completely void of emotion as he stared at the ground. Zayn and Niall sat next to him, talking quietly. They knew that Harry had already been checked out. Louis was really the only one who didn't. Harry had apparently told Dr. Stern that he didn't want Louis seeing him before he left for rehab, and this was somehow the plan we had come up with.

"Lou?" I called softly as I approached him. He looked up, his expression changing into one of curiosity.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Can we talk...um outside?" I asked. I knew he would end up making a scene and having him freak out in the middle of the waiting room again would not be good.

"Yeah, sure," he said, standing up. He moved stiffly as he trailed behind me and it became clear to me just how long he'd been sitting in that same chair. Every day for five days, for the entire nine hours of the visiting period, getting up to wander around occasionally, but always coming back to the same chair.

I didn't go outside of the hospital, knowing that there was paparazzi, so I stayed just inside of the doors.

"Lou, I need to tell you something," I said slowly. Zayn and Niall hovered by me.

Louis raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to speak.

"Harry's already checked out. We um, we're taking him to rehab right after this," I said.

"Okay?" Louis said.

"Lou, um, you can't come. With us, I mean, to the center," I mumbled. I hated having to be the one to break the news that Harry was refusing to see him for six months to him, but Niall would have probably started crying when Louis did, which left me and Zayn. I had decided to be nice and offer to do it, an offer I regretted.

"What do you mean I can't come?" Louis growled. He knew exactly what I meant; I could see it in his narrowed eyes.

"You can't come to the center, Lou, exactly what I said," I repeated.

"So I wait here for five days straight without him acknowledging me just to be completely blown off and ignored?" he snarled, "No goodbye, no 'thanks for sitting on your ass for no reason', nothing? He's just going to rehab without even thinking about how I feel. Well, I can visit him, right?"

My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. Louis was already angry that he couldn't take Harry to rehab. I didn't want to find out how livid he would be when I told him the rest.

"Right? I can visit him?" Louis pressed, his eyes pleading.

"Lou, he um...he," I started, looking at Zayn helplessly.

"Harry asked that you not be put on the list of permitted visitors," Zayn finished quietly.

Louis didnt reply immediatly and I dared to look at him.

His face was bright red with anger and his nails were visibly digging into his palms.

"You're to be fucking kidding me," he spat.

"Lou, I wish we weren't, and I swear that we've tried to change his mind, but..." I trailed off.

"But I mean absolute shit to him, apparently. God, I just...fuck!" he spat, eyes filling.

"Oh, Lou, he can always change his mind. Just give him some time," I said, trying to comfort him.

"Yeah, that's what everyone keeps telling me! I just need to give him some time! Well, I'll give him six fucking months then! I'll give him all the time in the fucking world! If I mean shit to him, then he means shit to me!" Louis yelled.

A woman walking into the building gave him an indignant look as she passed by us.

"That's not true, Louis. He loves you, you know that. But that's the problem. He just needs to adjust, okay? He needs to heal a little bit first," Niall squeaked. He hated when people yelled.

"He loves me? Like a brother, or a friend, or a fucking lover? You gotta specify, cause I don't fucking know anymore! I need to talk to him and have him talk back more than anything else. I need to heal too, yeah? I can't believe you would let him do this to me!" Louis snarled at Niall.

Niall flinched and pressed closer to Zayn.

"Louis, calm down," Zayn growled, "You're overreacting."

I honestly thought Louis was going to hit him. Louis's eyes blazed with so much anger and hurt that I found myself scared for our safety.

"I'm overreacting? I won't see my best friend for six months! Don't you get how important seeing him is to me? I need to figure this whole mess out and I'm going to go fucking crazy with all these questions stuck in my head for six more months! You don't get it! You're not the one he's in love with! You're not the one with this gigantic weight holding you down and you're not the one finding out that you're going to have this weight on you for half of a year! You might as well put me in some institution too because I'm going to go fucking mental!" Louis screamed.

Paul appeared suddenly, I wondered where he had come from in the back of my mind, and he grabbed Louis's arm.

"Louis, you've got to settle down. Just take a deep breath, okay?" he murmured.

Louis jerked out of his grip.

"No!" he snapped, "And you can forget that interview later too, cause I'm not putting up with some interviewers bullshit questions!"

"I'm going to take you home, and you have to do that interview, Louis," Paul said gently.

We all knew that saying that was a mistake, even Paul.

"Harry can refuse things, so why can't I? Or does trying to off himself just make him so fucking special all of a sudden? I don't care, I'm done with this," Louis snapped.

He stormed past us, his shoulder hitting mine hard enough for it to he painful, and shoved the doors open. I jogged after his retreating figure. Paparazzi raised their cameras, seeing how angry and distressed Louis was. I was irritated at the flashes from the cameras, and apparently Louis was as well. He stopped cold.

"Can you just get out of my face for once you fucking twats?" he screeched, breaking into a run for his car.

I didn't bother chasing him any further. I knew that he needed to be alone. I went back inside and shrugged in defeat.

"He just pissed off the paparazzi," I sighed.

"What'd he say?" Paul asked.

"'Get out of my face, you fucking twats' or something like that," I replied.

Paul groaned.

"Please tell me none of them got that on video," he said.

"I don't know. But probably," I admitted.

"Jesus Christ," Paul muttered, "Well, lets go take care of Harry."

We headed out of the doors, once again having to ignore the paparazzi. They were even more insistent than usually, pressing to know what had Louis so upset.

"If you could let us through, please," Paul said calmly.

The paparazzi trailed after us, keeping a careful distance as we walked to my car.

"I didn't think about them seeing Harry in the car. We'll just have to hurry out of here," Paul murmured in my ear.

"Do you want to drive?" I asked.

"If you want," he replied.

I shrugged.

"You probably should. 'Popstar Runs Over Paparazzi' wouldn't be a very good headline. I just want to get Harry out of here," I said.

Paul chuckled, "I'm sort of tempted to run over one of them always."

I saw my car and Harry's slouching form and hurried towards it, handing Paul my keys.

The paparazzi started taking pictures, seeing Harry.

I crawled inside my car, Niall and Zayn following me.

"Hey Harry," Paul grunted as he slid inside. Harry stayed silent and Zayn sighed at his lack of response.

The hour long drive to the center was extremely tense. None of us really talked. I went on a following spree on Twitter, wincing as I saw a link to a video of Louis yelling at the paparazzi.

"Yeah, Paul, the video's already up," I sighed.

"That's wonderful," Paul growled, "I really wish he wouldn't have done that."

Harry stayed quiet and still, but I figured he was wondering what had happened.

"Louis was upset after we told him about your decision and he might have called the paparazzi 'fucking twats'," I explained.

It felt slightly weird, telling somebody something but not getting any sort of reaction.

We parked at the center and Harry got out, standing up and stretching. I handed him one of his suitcases and Paul took the other. We headed inside.

It looked like a really nice place, which I had assumed it would be. It had an extremely good reputation, management had made sure of that.

"Hello, how can I help you?" the receptionist asked, smiling brightly.

"Harry Styles," Harry said softly, "I'm checking in."

I wasn't entirely sure if I had expected him to talk or not, but Niall looked at him in surprise. Apparently he was just ignoring us.

"Oh, right. I'll have someone take you to your room right away," she said politely.

She got up and headed into a room behind the desk.

She came out with a young man, who walked out from behind the desk.

"Hello. I'll show you to your room, okay?" he said, shaking hands with each of us.

He led us down a hallway and to an elevator, then down two more hallways before stopping at another room. He knocked on the door, then walked inside.

I raised my eyebrows. It was a really nice room. There were two beds, a couch, a television, two desks, what looked like two closets and a door which I assumed led to a bathroom.

"This is your room," the man said, "You've got a roomate, actually, but I think he's at a session right now."

I assumed session meant therepy.

Harry nodded.

"I need to check your suitcases, if that's okay with you," the man said.

We watched quietly as he rummaged through Harry's things, checking each pocket and zipper and every little crevice. I knew that Harry hadn't packed any razors or pills, I'd watched carefully, but I felt reassured knowing that somebody else was checking.

"I'll go see if your doctor is available, then I'll be right back," the man said, disappearing.

Harry walked over to the unmade bed and set his stuff down.

"Do you mind if you have a roomate?" I asked.

He shrugged. I smiled. It was an improvement.

He continued to unpack while Paul, Niall, Zayn, and I stood around awkwardly for several minutes.

The door opened again and a woman and the young man appeared.

"Hello," she said. The young man backed out and shut the door.

"I'm Harry," Harry said, reaching out to shake her hand.

"I'm your doctor. You can call me Aysiah," she said.

I raised my eyebrows at the first-name-basis, but decided that I actually kind of liked the comfortable vibe that it gave me.

She handed Paul a clipboard.

"That's just some information we need, basic things. We've already gotten confirmation from his mother to allow you to act as his guardian for the time being. So Harry, I'll have a private session with you later, but this is just an introduction type thing while your friends are still here, okay?" Aysiah said.

"Alright," Harry said, sitting down on the edge of the bed as she sat down by the desk.

"Well, as you know, you'll be here for several months. Usually people who try to commit are only here for a month or two, but because there is a record of self-harm and an eating disorder, we decided that it was best that you stay here longer in order to help you with those as well," Aysiah began, "You'll have a session with me every day, but you can also go to group sessions if you want. They're strongly recommended, but you don't have to if you don't want to. You'll have a meal plan for the first two weeks, but after that, you just have to eat a certain amount of calories per day. We will have to moniter you if you ever need a razor to shave, and you've already gotten your bags checked."

Harry nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry if it seems like I'm talking a lot, but it's the procedure," Aysiah apologized.

"It's fine," Harry replied.

"I'll get somebody to give you the grand tour. It's a rather nice place, if I say so myself, but I'm a little bit biased of course," she chuckled.

She got up and disappeared out of the door.

"She seems really nice, Harry," Zayn said.

He shrugged again. I decided that that was probably the most we would get out of him.

Aysiah reappeared, the same young man with her.

"He'll show you around. Say goodbye to your friends. They'll need to leave so you can settle in once you get back," she said.

"Bye, Harry. We'll visit, yeah?" I heard Zayn mutter as he gave Harry a tight hug. Niall was next, then Paul.

"Harry, we'll come as often as we can. See you soon," I murmured in his ear.

He shuffled over to the man quietly.

"Show me around," he prompted. They left.

"Is there anything you need to tell me?" Aysiah asked, "Any background information?"

"Do you have it like on record of why he tried to kill himself?" Zayn asked.

"Yes. Because he fell in love with someone who didn't return his feelings, right?" Aysiah replied.

"Yeah. Well, Harry's like...shutting Louis, the guy he fell in love with, out completely. He refused to talk to him in the hospital, and he refused to put Louis on the list of approved visitors. We don't really know why he doesn't want to see Louis, but Louis is going crazy because of it. Anyways, Harry's also just stopped talking to us since this morning. We don't know why," Zayn said.

Aysiah nodded slowly, taking the clipboard from Paul.

"I'll talk to him about it, but if he doesn't want you guys knowing, I can't tell you. Patient confidentiality," she said, "Is that all?"

"Just...I think Louis is a bit of a sensitive subject for Harry, so be a little careful when you bring it up," I added.

"Alright. If that's all, I have an appointment in a few minutes, so I need to be going," Aysiah said, standing up, "It was nice meeting you."

We said our goodbyes and left the facility.



Louis's POV

I heard the door open, but I didn't move. I didn't know if I could. I'd been crying for the past two hours straight until the bloodstain on the carpet blurred into the rest of the room.

Did I really mean so little to Harry that he wouldn't see me for six months? I knew that couldn't be true. You didn't just suddenly not care about somebody that you had been so in love with for so long.

I shut my eyes and inhaled the comforting scent of Harry that was left on his bed.

I had no idea why I kept coming to Harry's flat. I knew that it probably wasn't helping my any, but I liked the brief sense of security that his bed gave me.

"Hey, mate," Zayn said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

I didn't reply, hugging Harry's pillow closer to my chest.

"You coming to the interview?" he asked gently.

"I said no, Zayn," I spat weakly. I was exhausted and I was in no mood to be asked prying questions by a stranger.

"Okay. Management said you didn't have to and that you could take it easy for a while," he replied.

"Good," I grumbled.

"Look, Lou, I...we all feel really bad about what Harry's doing to you. He's being a dick, but I think that he's got his reasons. He's not talking to us anymore for some reason," Zayn said.

"At least he'll let you see him," I retorted, sitting up. My head spun and my eyes burned from crying.

"Yeah. The rehab place is really nice, by the way. We met his therapist and I think she'll really help him. We asked her to talk to him about you. Maybe he'll let you see him in a while, whenever he gets a little better. He's just so broken right now, Lou," Zayn sighed.

"I've learned not to get my hopes up," I mumbled.

"I have to go in a bit. We're running a little late for the interview already but we thought we might as well ask if you we're coming," he said.

I nodded.

He pulled me into a hug and I relaxed in his arms. I hadn't realized just how badly I had needed this, a simple, reassuring hug.

"I think he'll be okay, Lou. I think we'll all be okay," he murmured.



Liam's POV

We weren't a half hour late for the interview or anything.

Thankfully, we still had fifteen minutes before we had to be onstage, but Lou had to rush to get our makeup and hair done. It didn't help that we all looked absolutely terrible due to the stress of the past few days.

When we were finally deemed ready to go on, we were a few minutes late, so we got microphones quickly clipped to our shirts and we were rushed out onstage.

It was a live interview, but without an audience, which I was grateful for.

"Hello, boys," the woman said. I hadn't had time to learn her name. I hated not being able to address people by their names.

"I'm Julie," she said.

Oh thank God.

"Hello," we chimed in synch.

"So, obviously, you boys have had quite the eventful past few days. Do you want to say anything about the recent events?" she asked.

"Well, as I'm sure quite a lot of people know, Harry did try to commit suicide five days ago. He did have a reason behind it, but we've decided to keep his reasoning private unless he feels comfortable disclosing that. But it had absolutely nothing to do with the fame or the fans or the press, we're trying to stress that. It was something that was very personal to him," I said.

"I'm sure it's been very difficult for you," she said.

"Yeah, it really has. We were, uh, we were actually the ones that found him. It was really...it was really horrifying to see him like that, but we acted pretty quickly," I said softly.

"I don't think people can understand just how scary it is to think that one of your best friends might die right in front of you. It was easily the most terrifying moment in my entire life," Zayn added.

We'd decide to be pretty open about the situation. We knew that our fans deserved to know about what had happened.

Julie nodded, her forehead crinkling sympathetically.

"I can only image how hard this must be hitting you guys. I know that your fans went absolutely crazy when you broke the news," she said.

"Yeah. But they've been extremely supportive and we appreciative of that," Niall said.

"We're all dealing with it in stride, I guess. I'd like to think we're doing pretty well as far as everything goes, but it still is pretty rough. That's actually why Louis isn't here. He's taking it a lot harder than the rest of us because he and Harry are really close. He was actually with him right before everything happened, so he's just taking it pretty hard," I said carefully, skirting around the fact that Louis was actually the reason that Harry had tried to kill himself.

"I can only imagine. So you guys are pushing back your world tour? How is that going to affect you?" Julie asked.

"Yeah. We can't tour as One Direction with Harry missing and he'll be in rehab for the next six months. I hope our fans can understand," I said.

"I think that they'll be very supportive of you guys. You have a strong fan base," Julie said, "So are you guys going to be doing much of anything for the next six months?"

"I think that the three of us, plus Louis, will probably still be doing interviews and promotion, but as far as music, we can't do much with a bandmate missing. I think we'll have a lot of time off, which will be nice," Zayn said.

"I think we might work on writing some songs ourselves too. But we'll be visiting Harry a lot as well," Niall added.

"Give him all of our good wishes and make sure he knows that everyone's supporting him," Julie said, "But that's all the time we have."

We said our goodbyes and exited.

It was a short interview, but we were exhausted and none of us were in the mood for anything but sleeping.