The Moment I Knew (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 26

Louis's POV

Apparently Liam had really come so he could drag me back to London. We had some meeting with management that I couldn't give a shit about.
I told him as much.
"Louis, trust me, I would have you stay here if I could, but we haven't talked to them in ages and they have no idea what's going on. They just know that there's rumors going around about you trying suicide or doing drugs or going to rehab yourself. We need to talk to them," he explained.
"I need to stay here. I've got therapy, remember?" I sneered sarcastically.
In truth, somewhere deep in my mind, I was scared.
I was scared of London and all that it had come to represent.
Suicide, alcoholism, depression, a breakdown, near-rape. Too much pain and too many tears.
"Lou, you can come back here after. At most you'll be gone for a day, if that's what you want. Plus, we all miss you," Liam tried.
"Harry doesn't. Or he would have fucking spoken to me by now," I said coldly.
I pulled on a hard, emotionless mask before Liam could detect that I really hadn't intended to say that.
If he heard the slightly tremble in my voice, he didn't show it.
"Louis," he sighed.
"I don't want your fucking sympathy. Save it," I snarled, letting my anger replace my fear.
Like a cornered animal, I thought.
My muscles were tense even though I leaned against the counter in the kitchen.
Like I would pounce if provoked.
I smiled drily to myself for a second, but it vanished when I noticed how warily Liam was looking at me.
"Take a picture. It'll last longer. I'll sign it too, if you want," I drawled.
"No thanks. I don't want to remember you like this," he said quietly.
I should have felt angry. I should have lashed out.
I didn't, though.
Instead, I just felt sad. He was so right. In the future, I would eventually be happier, though it didn't feel like it. I wouldn't want a picture, metaphorical or not, to remind me of the times I spent with more alcohol and anger in my veins than blood.
We stared at each other. I was careful to compose myself and wipe my face blank of emotion.
He didn't take any measures to do so. I hated seeing Liam so upset. He was hurting too; seeing his best friends fall apart in front of him had to have taken its toll on him.
"Just get your stuff, Louis, please. We need to leave soon," he finally sighed.
I sent him what I hoped was a withering glare before I stormed to my room.
I sat on my bed and looked at the picture frame laying face-down on my bedside table. It was intentionally that way.
It was just a picture of Harry and I, but I couldn't stand looking at it, looking at him and how happy he had used to be, so I had put it face-down.
I had thrown the second frame that had been there, the one with the picture of Eleanor and I, at the wall. The glass had shattered and my mum had cleaned it up.
I had been tempted to throw Harry's picture after it, but as stupid as it sounded, I just couldn't throw Harry at a wall.
I kept staring at it until I gently batted it with my hand and it fell behind the table.
Liam came in after roughly fifteen minutes and sighed when he saw me sitting motionless on the bed.
I watched him silently as he bustled around my room, throwing things he apparently thought I would need into a bag.
"Ready?" he asked.
"You tell me," I snapped.
"Let's go," he said.
My mum hugged me goodbye. I sort of just stood there with my arms limply around her.
Liam threw my bag into his car and I sat in the passenger seat.
I put my hood up and pressed my forehead against the cold glass of the window.
We drove in silence, the radio on, for a good half-hour.
Then What Makes You Beautiful came on and my heart plummeted when I heard Harry's voice.
I was suddenly aware that I had a horrible headache.
It felt like somebody was using an icepick behind my eyes and someone else was beating my brain with a hammer.
"Liam, can you turn the fucking radio down? I've got a migraine or something," I hissed.
He immediatly turned it off.
"Do you need something for it? There's a gas station in a few minutes if you want me to get you some medicine," he asked.
"This isn't a headache that a pill can fix," I muttered.
I turned to face him, cringing as my head throbbed.
Liam seemed to understand. He patted my knee.
I flinched instinctively and he jerked back.
I really didn't like to be touched. It just reminded me of Ben touching me and then I would feel sick and even more disgusting than usual.
His eyes flickered between me and the road.
It suddenly occurred to me that he was Liam. It sounded so stupid, but in my struggle with my crumbling sanity, I had forgotten basically everyone but myself.
It was hard to explain.
Before Harry had tried to commit suicide, I always talked to my mum about my problems, no matter how big or small. I called both my family and Eleanor every day.
I was always a little bit more hesitant to go up to one of the boys and ask for advice. I always had tried to put on a fearless leader attitude during the X Factor and it had carried over afterwards.
But Liam could always get me to open up and talk to him about anything. He always saw when something was wrong.
Harry had too.
I stared at Liam. It was so weird for me not to talk to people, I realized. I didn't know the last time I had spoken to somebody calmly.
I avoided touching people too, when previously I had been the most handsy person I knew.
I carefully edged towards Liam and I rested my head on his shoulder.
He tensed in surprise, but he didn't say anything. He tentatively put his arm around me. He was still afraid to touch me, I realized.
I ended up falling asleep, escaping the throbbing in my head.
I woke up when Liam shifted, my head slipping off his shoulder.
"Sorry about that, Lou," he said, "My shoulder was getting a bit uncomfortable. I didn't mean for you to wake up."
"S'fine," I muttered, "How far away are we?"
"Just like ten minutes. I probably would have woken you up soon anyways," he said, "You're staying with me, by the way."
I shot him a look.
"Don't argue. Nobody trusts you to be by yourself right now, alright? Just cooperate, please," Liam sighed.
I muttered something under my breath and looked at him darkly, but he seemed to take that as an agreement.
"Great," he said simply.
"All my shit's at Harry's," I said.
"You're going back to Doncaster tomorrow or the next day anyways," Liam said.
"What if I don't want to go back?" I argued, just for the sake of being irritating.
I wanted to go back home, but I was also in a mood where I wanted people to feel just as irritable and miserable as I did.
It was a childish thing to feel, but I wasn't exactly known for being mature.
"You should. You've got that psychiatrist there. Plus, your mum can look after you better than I can," he said absently, turning onto a different street.
"I don't need to be looked after! I'm an adult; I'm not a child," I snapped.
"I'll be honest, Lou. Nobody really trusts you by yourself and you're sort of acting like a child, so don't use that argument," he said, sighing impatiently.
"Fuck you," I muttered.
I could practically hear him roll his eyes.
He parked and we walked inside.
"Take a shower, do whatever you need to. We have to leave in like an hour and a half," he said.
I nodded and decided to take him up on the offer for a shower.
It still felt like no matter how much I scrubbed at my skin, I still felt disgusting. I wondered how people didn't just look at me and know what I had done, that I had tried to sleep with a guy while I still had a female fiancée.
I was disgusting and I knew it.
I'd seen the way Liam had jerked away from me when he had put his hand on my knee. He had to have felt how disgusting I was.
"Lou? We need to leave in fifteen minutes," Liam called through the door.
I jerked out of the trance I had been in and I realized that the water in the shower had gone freezing cold.
I gritted my teeth and washed my hair as quickly as I could before I turned it off and got out.
I shook out my hair and decided to let it do what it wanted.
I pulled on an outfit that Liam had stuffed in my bag and shoved my shoes on my feet.
"I'm ready," I growled.
He smiled at me, not at all phased by my murderous look.
I didn't particularly love our management. They knew what they were doing, but they had a tendency to be overbearing twats.
Niall and Zayn were already waiting when we arrived.
"Hey, Louis," Zayn said, staying seated.
Niall, on the other hand, jumped up and flung his arms around me.
"Louis!" he greeted happily.
"Niall-" Liam started, a low warning.
I thrashed around until Niall stepped back and then I shoved him away from me.
He stumbled and nearly tripped, but Zayn caught his arm.
"Don't fucking touch me!" I snarled, backing away slowly.
Niall stared at me with wide eyes.
I wrapped my arms tightly around myself because suddenly, it wasn't Niall looking at me, it was Ben, and he was pulling back his arm to hit me and-
"Good afternoon, boys!" a man boomed as he walked into the room, flanked by a few other people.
I sat down shakily, sitting on the edge of my chair, as far away from everyone as I could.
I tuned out most of the meeting. I knew that it was basically for me and what to do about me, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
I hummed in agreement when I felt like I had to but I mostly let everyone else answer questions for me.
I distantly heard Harry's name a few times, but I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into my own mind.
I could feel my hands shaking under the table and I vaguely noticed the worried looks that the boys were shooting me.
Somebody shook my shoulder and I jerked out of my haze, instinctively leaning away from it.
Liam looked down at me, concern bright in his eyes.
"Everyone's leaving, Lou," he said quietly.
I nodded and stood. It was just the four of us in the conference room. The representatives from our management had apparently left without me realizing it.
"You alright?" Liam asked.
"Just peachy," I muttered.
I crossed my arms tightly, pulling them back against my chest. It did only a small amount to relieve the ache I felt.
Niall backed away slightly as I passed him. I didn't blame him for being a bit frightened.
When I was back in Liam's car, I pulled my knees against my chest, a hard position when in a car.
"We have a radio interview tomorrow. We thought that people should know that you're okay, and not dead or locked up somewhere," Liam said with surprising bluntness.
"I don't want to," I sighed, resting my forehead on my knees.
"It'll be short, don't worry. And we're going to make sure you approve the questions before we start, okay?" he said gently.
"Okay," I whispered.
"Niall didn't know that you don't want to be touched. He's really upset over it," Liam added.
"Well, now he knows," I mumbled.
He fell silent for a few moments, the only noise around us coming from the cars passing us.
"Why don't you want to be touched? Like, I know that it has to do with, you know, but...yeah," he said slowly.
I shook my head.
Liam knew enough to take the hint that I didn't want to talk about it.
"Okay," he murmured, "I was just curious. Cause you like, put your head on my shoulder earlier and I dunno..."
Liam's unsure phrasing was almost comical but I didn't know if I even knew how to laugh or smile.
"You hungry? Do you want to stop somewhere?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"Have you even eaten today?" he continued.
I shrugged again.
"Alright. You know what, lets just get take away or something," he suggested.
I didn't respond.
Later, as I picked at my food on his sofa, I noticed how Liam was studying me.
I looked up and met his eyes. He blinked twice before looking at his own food.
"Harry asks about you sometimes," he said quietly.
I stiffened.
"Louis, just listen to me for a minute. I'm not making excuses for him or anything; I actually think he's being a twat to you. But please just try and put yourself in his position. He's trying to get over you so when he comes back, he doesn't have to hurt like he did before. I guess that cutting you out completely is his way of trying to get over his feelings for you. He's really trying, Louis, and I don't agree that this is the best way, but please try not to be mad at him," Liam said in a rush.
I set my food on the floor and looked at him. My legs were crossed underneath me and I set my elbows on my knees.
"You know, a lot of the time, I'm not even that mad at him. I'm just really, really mad at myself," I said quietly, "D'you want the rest of this?"
I offered him my food and he shook his head.
"Put it away in case you want the rest later," he said.
Liam looked as if he were about to try and continue the conversation, but I shook my head slowly.
"I'm going to go to bed," I mumbled, ignoring the fact that it was only early evening.
"Alright. Let me know if you need anything," he said.
I nodded and I went up to his guest room.
As I always did, I lay awake for hours.
It was true what I had said to Liam, I really wasn't that mad at Harry. I hated myself for being so stupid and never doing anything for Harry before he had had to resort to suicide.
I could have helped in some way, I knew that I could have. Putting him in rehab earlier, even.
Anything.
I looked out the small window when the sun rose. It was pretty. It was sort of a bloody orange with streaks of pink through it.
I went down to his kitchen whenever the sun had risen completely and I reheated the take away.
I ate about five bites before giving up and throwing it away.
I was so used to not getting much sleep that I didn't feel tired at all after not getting any.
I fussed around on my laptop for a while after that.
'73'
I still kept the countdown until Harry would be getting out of rehab on Twitter. I had never missed a day.
I had been considering getting a new tattoo, but I wasn't entirely sure what.
I had seen something that said something about a "ghost with a beating heart". It fit me incredibly well but I wasn't sure how I wanted to get it tattooed or where.
I cracked my neck and decided to come back to it.
"Morning, Lou," Liam grunted from behind me.
I turned around and nodded at him.
"How long have you been awake?" he asked.
I snorted softly, "Never fell asleep, mate."
His eyebrows furrowed together with concern.
"Louis-" he began.
"It's not healthy," I interrupted, "I know. But I'm fine, okay? I'm still functioning. Leave it alone."
Liam wanted to keep pushing the issue, quite badly, but he sighed heavily and nodded.
"I'm trusting you with this, okay? No almost passing out again," he said.
"You could probably fucking sedate me and I'd still stay awake. I just don't sleep anymore," I said simply, "And that's that."
"We've got that interview in two hours. Just make sure you're ready by then," he said, "I'm gonna go take a shower."
My eyes did burn with exhaustion, but I was used to the feeling. I yawned as discreetly as I could as he walked away.
I lounged around until it was time to go. I pulled on a different shirt and ran my fingers through my hair a few times.
"Ready?" Liam asked.
I nodded and we left.
It was a BBC radio interview, but it wasn't going to be with Nick fucking Grimshaw, thank god. I had to smirk to myself. I didn't know if I had called him or thought of him as anything but Nick fucking Grimshaw since I had met him.
I disliked him immensely and I probably wasn't his favorite person in the world either.
"Lou? These okay questions?" Liam asked, passing me a sheet of paper.
They were pretty standard questions.
One asked about Harry and I hesitated.
"It's okay if they ask about him," I said quietly, "I just don't want to be the one to answer."
"Alright. I'll make sure they know that," Liam said.
Niall eyed me warily and I felt mildly ill because one of my best friends was frightened of me.
"You sure you're okay with this?" Liam asked.
I nodded.
We ran through the interview easily. I kept silent almost the entire time, unless directly spoken to.
"So, Louis, have you guys been working on any music?" the interviewer asked.
"Maybe they have, but I really haven't. Sometimes I'll write down some line or something that'll pop into my head, but it's nothing that you could make a song from. I can't really speak for anyone else though," I said quietly.
"I have, a bit," Niall volunteered.
Liam nodded in agreement.
"I'm pretty bad at songwriting, so I haven't," Zayn said.
The Harry question ended up being directed at Niall.
All three of them looked at me quickly before Niall began speaking.
"He's good, really good, actually. I know there's some tough days obviously, but every time I see him, he's doing just fine. It's like, what, a bit over two more months until he's coming back?" Niall asked.
"Two and a half," Liam agreed, "But it could always be earlier. I doubt it'll be any later."
"It better not," I muttered under my breath.
I didn't think anybody but Liam heard me and he glanced at me quickly.
"How's his roommate? I've heard that they're pretty good friends," the interviewer said.
I clenched my jaw. I had known he would ask about Felix, but I really hated the topic.
"Felix? He's great. They're actually not roommates anymore, because Felix got to leave, but I know he visits every chance that he can get. They're quite close," Zayn said.
I gritted my teeth. I hated being reminded that Felix was essentially my replacement in Harry's life.
Thankfully, we switched topics and I was able to tune the rest of the interview out.
"Thank you for cooperating," one of our handlers said to me as we got ready to leave.
Because I felt like being a shit, I flipped him off.
I heard Niall surpress a laugh at the outrage on the handler's face.
"Said I'd be good for the interview. Never said anything about after," I said smugly.
Even Liam had a small smile on his face.
"You're such a twat," Zayn snorted.
"I take pride in that," I replied.
For a brief moment, everything felt normal. We were bantering amongst ourselves and it felt easy and stress-free.
But Harry was missing from our group and the normality of our banter vanished along with the small smirk on my face.
Liam put his arm out to give me a side-hug, but dropped it quickly before he touched me.
"Sorry," he said quickly.
I bit my lip and turned away.
We drove back to his place and I immediatly flopped onto his sofa.
"Do you want me to take you back today?" Liam asked.
"I don't care," I mumbled, my voice muffled by the cushion.
"How about tomorrow? I think that'd work better," he suggested.
"Whatever," I said.
He sighed.
I drifted off. I had some weird dream about keeping a sloth named Jackson in a cupboard.
I was woken up by Liam's doorbell ringing.
"Can you get that, Lou?" he called.
"Whatever!" I replied.
Liam took that as a yes, so I picked myself up off the sofa and shuffled over to the door.
I opened it and my mouth went dry.
"Hi, Louis," Eleanor said quietly.
"Um. What are you doing here?" I coughed.
Fresh guilt raced through me and I was half-tempted to slam the door in her face. Then I realized that I would only feel more guilty.
"Who is it, Lou?" Liam asked, jogging down his stairs.
He stopped when he saw Eleanor.
"I was um, wondering if we could talk?" she asked me.
"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied, stepping back to let her in.
I looked at Liam helplessly.
"I'm running to the store, Lou. Do you need anything?" he asked.
I shot him a glowering look.
"I'll take that as a no," he said pleasantly, "Nice to see you, Eleanor."
I flipped him off.
Eleanor stood awkwardly until Liam left.
"So, I called your mum to ask where you were, cause I really wasn't sure, and she said that you were here, so yeah," she said.
"El," I said, "What do you want?"
She bit her lip and went around to sit down on the sofa.
I sat on the other end.
"Louis, I've been thinking a lot about what happened. Yeah, I'm still really mad and really upset, but, like, I don't know. I guess I'm just really confused. Like, I just got this call from you and the next thing I know, you're telling me that you slept with some guy and I don't know. I just feel like you and I just need to talk," she said.
"I didn't really sleep with him, I don't think. I made him leave when he actually got inside me. And that's when he hit me," I said bluntly, "It was really stupid in retrospect. I wanted to know what it felt like when Harry and I did it cause I have no clue. I was plastered. And in case you didn't notice, I'm not entirely sane at the moment, so I thought that calling some random guy to fuck me was the best way."
Eleanor nodded slowly.
"He didn't, um, rape you, did he?" she asked carefully.
I rubbed my hands over my face and shrugged.
"I don't know. I mean, the second he got there, I wanted him to go away. And, fuck, sorry if this gets a bit graphic, but then he made me give him a blowjob and I think I tried to get away but he held my head down until I couldn't breath and I thought I was going to throw up. And then he did some half-assed job at stretching me out and it hurt so bad and I was so scared and then he actually got inside me and fuck, nothing has ever hurt that bad in my entire life. I don't think he believed me when I told him to stop but I don't know how he didn't. I was crying, I think, and I was trying to get away. He obviously caught on eventually and then he hit me and called more a whore or something and he left. But I don't know if he raped me. I just know that I was scared and it hurt," I said.
The words just poured out of my mouth without any sort of filter. I had no idea where they had come from.
Eleanor had gone completely pale.
"Oh, Louis," she said gently.
She reached out to put her hand on my cheek and I flinched. She recoiled.
"I just feel really disgusting now, like any person on the street can take one look at me and just know what I did," I said quietly.
Eleanor had tears in her eyes, I realized. I wasn't sure what to do. What were our boundaries?
"I'm sorry, Louis. But you shouldn't have done it in the first place," she said quietly.
"I know," I agreed.
"I knew that it was over between us anyways. I just...we didn't talk at all, Louis. You called like once every two weeks and I saw you like twice. At first I understood; you were upset and something really traumatic had happened. But then I told you that I felt like you were ignoring me and you promised to stop but you didn't. Then every time I talked to you after that, you were drunk. I couldn't be in a relationship like that, Louis," she said.
"I know. El, I swear, I loved you so much. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you," I said.
"I've been thinking about that too. I don't think you really ever loved me as much as you thought you did," Eleanor said.
"What are you talking about? I loved you with all my heart!" I protested.
She shook her head and smiled sadly.
"There were just so many times that...I just wondered sometimes who you were in love with. Me or Harry?" she said.
"You! That's the whole reason for this mess! I was in love with you, not him," I snorted.
"I think that you think you were in love with me more than him. But Louis, you know that if he and I both called and needed you at the same time, you'd go to him first. Harry always came first to you, don't you dare say he didn't. I know a lot of the time I was a bit paranoid, because Louis, I don't know if you ever looked at some of the stuff that the Larry shippers see, but sometimes even I wondered if you two weren't in a relationship behind my back. And right now I'm wondering if you're in love with him too but you hid it from yourself by being in love with me," she said.
I stared at her, my mouth slightly open.
"I was in love with you," I said, shaking my head.
"Maybe you were. I'm just saying how I feel. Louis, look me in the eyes for a second," she ordered.
I obeyed.
"You kissed him and you slept with him while you were drunk. You wouldn't have done that if you didn't have some kind of feelings for him, whether you knew they existed or not. Can you honestly tell me that you felt nothing more than brotherly love for him?" she asked.
I searched my mind for something to say.
"I don't know," I replied honestly.
Eleanor nodded slowly.
"I just...I just wanted to know," she said.
"I'm sorry, you know. The last thing that I've ever wanted to do was hurt you," I said.
She gave me a small smirk.
"I think the last thing that you ever wanted to do was hurt Harry. Maybe hurting me was second to last," she said.
"No matter what you think, I wanted to marry you, Eleanor. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I did," I said.
"I know you're sorry, Louis. And I think I can forgive you, honestly," she said, "I love you, you know. I'm just not in love with you anymore."
"I love you too," I said.
"I should be getting going," she said, standing.
"Did you really drive four hours to talk to me for one?" I asked incredulously.
"Yeah. But I'm staying with a friend for the night," she said.
"Do you need anything?" I asked.
She shook her head.
"Look, El, I do still want to be friends with you. I love you, I'm not lying when I say that," I said.
Eleanor nodded.
Without thinking, I hugged her. It was familiar and comforting, albeit brief.
"I'll see you, Louis, okay?" she said.
"Of course," I agreed.
Eleanor gave me a small, sad smile before stepping out and shutting the door behind her.
We both knew that we wouldn't see each other again.

************************************

A/N

IMPORTANT!!
Okay, so I decided that I need somebody to be like a kind of advisor to me for this story.
There's one part of the plot of Untouchable I have in mind that I'm really struggling with to include it or not.
I need somebody with a bit of experience with writing, preferably.
So, message me if you're interested.
Also, I really need help with coming up with ideas.
Comment any ideas you have for the next two and a half months in the story because I have horrible writer's block.
AND NO, LOUIS AND HARRY CAN'T MEET.
Thank you!!!
Love you!!