The anchor of love||| Johanna Mason

the parties

"Hi," that voice rang like bells in my ears. It was official, I was crushing on the newest victory.

I found myself desperate to converse with her, the girl I knew little if not nothing about. but wanted desperately to know everything. yes, for the first time in my life, I was crushing and crushing hard on somebody.

I glance over and can not help but smile, nervous. I'm really nervous. "ah, our latest Victor in the flesh" I don't know why I mentioned that, what a great way to ruin the conversation before it even starts, "should I shake your hand, clap? congratulations are in order, after all. " My mouth just didn't stop moving. The endless drivel wouldn't stop.

"I'd rather you didn't," she said simply, but not shortly.

"Oh, but why ever not?" Maybe I wanted to annoy her, see that fiery streak for myself in person, or maybe I didn't know how to talk to girls, who knew.

"You know why," she snapped, voice raising ever so slightly and her hand grasping at air at her side, likely where her axe once sat while in the games. Still traumatised then, of course.

"Yes, I suppose I do." I should apologise, I don't much want to. That means I must admit I'm in the wrong, "here's some advice, Victor to Victor."

she nodded in response to why she was bothering to speak to me. I don't know, I suppose I never would. I could ask, though, I suppose I shouldn't, though. "it doesn't get any better, Johanna. It doesn't get easier. You have to learn to live with it, but it never gets easy."

"I didn't think it would,"

"Of course you did not. Your smart aren't you, fooling the whole capitial."

"You did that too, if I recall."

"I know, I never doubted my intellect, only pointing out yours." This back and forth was amazing, easy to hold conversation, it didn't fill strained like most did these days, it felt like freedom. A slight smile was shared between us, but it was an olive branch, the promise of friendship, and kinship.

"you look for the small things, they both hurt and heal you" I continued, oblivious to the outside world, "for me, yellow gives me nightmares, blood doesn't phase me, I still work in the butchers, holding the same knives, I moved on from the big things easily, maybe too easily, but the small ones? they haunt me. bright lights give me nightmares, episodes of extreme trauma, I never turn the lights on on my house. it's about finding ways to cope around what we've seen and what we've done." I take a breath before continuing, "I sail now, I spend so much time in 4 it was about time I learnt, Fin taught me after all, there wasn't much else to it, its freeing. It's the little things that also heal you."

She looked, taken back, and didn't know what to say. "You're honest. That's rare, but appreciated."

"I am sure it is." I smiled again, taking the win for what it was, "so tell me, how are you enjoying this grand party all for you?"

"Honestly?"

"If you would," I replied kindly.

"hating every second of it." we once again shared a small smile between us.

"I'm sure that counts as treason to say," I joked. My pathetic attempt at a joke even managed a small chuckle out of her. I felt like i was on clouds, like i was flying. I had never felt like this, so comfortable and safe in another's presence before. 

I had to continue this conversation, but my annual ditch party with my fellow victors was due, "Here's another tip, if you don't want to be here, don't be. nothing is keeping you here Johanna, i have a car pulling up around" i looked down at my watch, "now, your free to come, we just go back to a small victor friendly bar and then the hotel that the capital accommodate us with, get absolutely smashed and actually have fun." 

She looked like she was contemplating it, really contemplating it. I shouldn't have asked her to join, knowing the repercussions that it would follow for her, that would be my fault, thankfully i sae her eye change, into resignation. I knew she would say no. 

"i cant, I'm sorry," she clearly did not want to upset Snow anymore than her winning as an underdog already did. Smart girl she was. Smarter than i was then. 

i felt a pang of disappointment at the fact i had to leave her here, that i had to leave her company, for both of us. i felt disappointed. 

The thought of having to go another 6 months without seeing her hurt more than i thought it would, yet i still left, still got into that car with Finnick and my other victors and left.