Evangeline (Unedited)

07

I N T E R N A L   C H A O S
(In case you haven't seen, I've decided to start publishing this book and 'What Goes Around' every Monday! I apologize for missing the last couple--exams and end of semester require a fair bit of attention/stress. This is a bit of a shorter chapter, but I hope it suffices.)

I quickly (but quietly) shut the door behind me as I walked into the bedroom, trying to catch my breath from practically sprinting up the stairs. The carpet and bookshelves and walls didn't seem so comforting anymore; instead, it felt like they were closing in on me. My hands were flat against the wooden door after I closed it, eyes squeezed shut as I faced it. I grimaced at the icky tingle it sent through my fingernails and body, fading off once it surged through my shoulders. I shook off my hands and wiped my face, which was dripping with sweat. I paced back and forth for a while, trying to calm myself down. Even when my body did, and my breathing was able to slow down more, my mind couldn't calm itself down.

I felt so confused.

Everyone had been nothing but nice here. Alessandro had gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable and try to make me feel ready to meet everyone, even though I didn't know if it was even possible to meet an entire family I didn't know I had—which is a whole different problem in itself—and feel ready for it. I'm sure they're all nice, and if they didn't want me here, it's only what, 4 years until I can leave? And that's if they decide to keep me because it is still a possibility Alessandro really will just be my temporary guardian for however long he pleases—like Raymond initially told me. For some reason, this didn't feel temporary, and I couldn't fully decide if it was because of how they've treated me and let me in on their family spiels and misfortunes, or the fact that somewhere inside of me, I didn't want it to be.

Maybe I wanted permanence. Maybe I wanted to be a part of a family again because—even though my mom and stepdad loved me—once Elio died, our family just... split. My mom's depression got bad again, which sucked because she only just got even a tiny bit better after my dad died. She stopped caring about me, and I ended up learning how to take care of myself to take that burden off of her shoulders, at least. She avoided me, mostly. I think a part of her forgot that she still had one child begging for her attention and love. Or maybe, she didn't forget, but she just didn't want to face the trepidation that she had taken on after he died. Now that she knew what losing a child was like, she refused to lose another. But in trying not to, she didn't just lose me, she lost everything else too. I mean, she and Brian barely spoke after, and I couldn't imagine they did much else. She just smoked and drank, and injected herself with the poison she loved so dearly. The poison she loved more than she loved me.

There was just so much running through my brain at that moment that I couldn't stop it, and I couldn't even run with it. It was all moving too fast. Like always. Perhaps that's just how it would be from now on; my brain always being one step ahead, one fingertip out of my reach,  and me desperately, pathetically trying to get it in my grasp, but I never would.

We're half siblings too, which I only just learned. I'm sure everyone else already knew, that otherwise Alessandro lied to them too and he's not just leaving me out, he's actually not trustworthy at all. Did he even really lie? Is lying by omission just as bad as whole-heartedly lying? Do I even have a right to be upset about not knowing that very important detail? It's not like we had a conversation where he did tell me we had the same parents, but I guess I assumed we did. And, finally, now that I had stopped pacing and was sitting on the floor in front of my bed, my panic and confusion became clearer, and also all my fault.

I wondered about Elio too. Did Alessandro's heart hurt as much as mine did when he avoided saying Elio's name? It had always hurt me when people wouldn't say his name. It was like he was a disease they would catch if they did. Some virus nobody wanted. I was scared that if they didn't say his name, it wouldn't make him real enough. It wouldn't prove I was wrong to feel like he was just a figment of my imagination so I wasn't so utterly alone in that house, but in actuality, I think my real fear was that if his name died the same day he did, somewhere between then and now, I lost him completely. He was just a picture, a video, a fading memory, a shirt that smelled like him fading so much to the point that only I could smell it, his favourite songs as reminders when they play on the radio. That's all he would be, a reminder. I didn't want to lose him completely.

Maybe that's another thing I'm freaking out about.

I left our town and, along with that, left him there too.

I wiped my face, growing irritated when my hands weren't dry anymore. I looked around my room for my bags and when I spotted them, I crawled to them. I opened the bag with his stuffed animal in it, pulling it out and holding it to my face. I inhaled the scent. The very distant scent of the nights when he would sleep with it every night, and little me would inevitably wake him up at 1 in the morning because I felt sick (I just wanted to cuddle with him), and he would give it to me instead. I think he only slept with it so I could.

I wish I could hug him. Or simply just talk to him. About everything; our family, my new life, Dad. I would love to speak about Dad, even though we weren't that close. Elio was the only one who knew him the same way I did, and I still missed him. I would love to talk about what happened with Mom and Brian too.

I haven't let myself think about the night my mom and Brian were arrested. I can't stomach it. Every time I think about it, I feel nauseous. I've resorted to attempting to block it out, pretending it never happened, no matter how much it might hurt even more.

Her eyes were what paralyzed me. Brian was freaking out--yelling and arguing with the officers--but she was completely calm, her eyes drilling into my own. I could see the reflection of the flashing lights and myself standing in the distance. Her eyes were the epitome of knowing. That I betrayed her, I ruined her life, that I was terrified. She knew.

"Evie?" A knock on the door startles me, and I wipe my eyes. I push myself up and catch a glimpse of myself in the small mirror on the wall. My hair was sticking to my forehead, the sweat from the heat of the house trickled down my face, and my eyes were swollen and puffy from crying. My nose was red and scabbed underneath from wiping it too much. I looked like a sick puppy.

"One second," I call out, my voice hoarse. I rush to my bag and pull out a hairbrush so I couldn't least sweep it into a messy slick back to make myself a bit more presentable. I stare at myself for a few moments, dazed. A gentler knock catches my attention again, and I walk to the door, opening it slightly and seeing Tommy.

"You alright?" He questions, bending his neck to see me better. His forehead was wet from sweat too, and his hair was a messy mop on his head.

I nodded and waited for him to continue but he didn't. The two of us just stared at each other for a moment, until finally, he shuffled on his feet, looking inside the room to see my abundance of bags, stuffed animals, and whatever was in my way strewn about. I blush at the embarrassing scene and he smiles.

"Looks like it." He laughs, and reaches to my door, swiftly pushing it open and in turn, making me lose my balance. I caught myself with a grunt, and he winked at me as he strolled in. I moved out of his way, watching him nervously. He looked at my pile of bags and then at me and then sighed. "I know you barely know us, but I can't imagine this transition is easy. If you ever feel comfortable enough to come talk to Alessandro or myself, or any of the others, please feel free to." He raises his gaze from the floor to my face, eyes wandering around it. "I did come here for a reason, though. Not just to tell you what you hopefully already know." He raises a challenging eyebrow at me, and I cower a bit while I clasp my hands behind my back to hide the fact that I was fidgeting so much. "The rest of the boys are almost here—they're joining us for dinner. We'll be eating outside since it's a very lovely day if I do say so myself. Also," He trails off, mirroring my position by clasping his hands, too. "I figured it might feel a little less... claustrophobic if we had the fresh air to fill the awkward silence that will definitely happen."

I nodded and looked at my feet. I watch his feet in my peripherals as he walks past me and out the door. He had bunny slippers on.

"Thanks, Tommy." I manage to blurt, my palms growing clammy.

I hesitantly risk a tiny glance at him, and he's staring at me from outside the room with a very wide grin.

"Dress pretty." He says through his obvious joy, and I nod and inwardly imagine an outfit to wear. Dress pretty. "Alessandro will probably want to take photos. Finally, add you to the wall."