Irish Deception

Chapter Forty-Eight

Hearing him asking me if I'm okay completely stuns me into silence, everything I thought I was going to say completely abandons me and I just sit there with the phone to my ear without saying a word.

After a few minutes he sighs deeply and I expect that frustration to be there when he speaks but it doesn't come.

"Anastasia you don't have to tell me where you are, just that you're okay" he says softly and it's that reassurance I need to get me speaking.

"I'm okay" I lie keeping my voice down so no one can overhear me.

He sighs deeply again but this time it's more of a relieved one as if he's actually happy to hear that I'm okay.

"What happened? Did I push you too far too soon or was this a part of your plan all along" he says and even though I know there's partly some accusation there it feels completely less intense than it did with the others.

"No, yes, no oh god I don't know Irvin" I stutter not really knowing what the best thing to say here is.

"So explain it to me" he urges.

It takes me a few moments and a few deep breaths before I fully feel able to say anything.

"I never had any intention in staying or well I didn't to begin with" I admit feeling a weight starting to lift at not having to hold it all in anymore. "but then..." I trail of trying to find the right words to say to explain exactly what is going on inside my head right now. "But then I don't know, I think that might have changed" I then finally admit not just to him but to myself as well.

"What exactly changed?" is all he asks.

"I did" I say truthfully still not really understanding what I mean by that but he seems to understand as he hums his agreement.

"I enjoyed the time I spent with you, the time I got to spend with Natalia and a big part of me didn't want to leave. I found myself thinking about what it would be like to stay and that didn't scare me"

"You know if you'd of spoken to me, been truthful like I asked you could have been able to keep Natalia in your life" he says and just the thought alone tugs at me "I would have allowed Vlad and Marianna to stay" he then explains, pausing briefly before adding "Together"

"You knew?" I gasp.

"It wasn't hard to figure out after I woke to find you all gone" he chuckles, the sound so warm and welcoming.

"I'm so sorry Irvin" I whimper feeling the guilt of everything hitting me at once "In that moment I just panicked, I felt so wrong for-" i say but he cuts me off before I can continue.

"For enjoying being with me when you still love them" he states and he couldn't be anymore correct.

I want to lie and say that's not the case but the words just aren't there. The guilt I feel is almost all consuming it causing me to be unable to say anything yet again.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about Anastasia" he says when I remain silent, almost as if he can read my mind and knows exactly what I'm thinking.

"Why are you calling me Anastasia?" He asks.

"I just wanted to speak to you" I begin to explain but have to take a deep breath to prepare myself for what I'm going to say next.

"I don't want anyone to be hurt Irvin" I explain.

"You mean them, you don't want them to be hurt" he scoffs, only now having that slight frustration in his tone and I can understand why.

"And you" I quickly blurt out before I've even thought about what I'm saying "I don't want you to be hurt either" I then say.

"Why?" He ask, sounding pretty surprised.

"Because I care about you" I admit and I'm met with a long beat of silence.

"So you want to stay with them?" He now asks and god I wish I knew the answer.

"I don't know" I say truthfully.

"Okay" he replies with none of the anger that was present with the others, he's calm and understanding when he speaks again. "Take your time and think about what you want Anastasia, what life you want for yourself"

I feel like I don't deserve his kindness right now. I don't deserve it at all.

"I take it they don't know you've contacted me" he points out.

"No" I breathe and shake my head even though he can't see the action.

He hums to himself for a moment and I envision he's probably rubbing his hand across his chin.

"I think it may be best to keep it that way. Keep the phone hidden and contact me any time you need to. I will be here for you" he says and takes a breath before adding "I'll wait for you to figure out what you want"

With that he then says a soft goodbye and ends the call, leaving me reeling so much more than I was before.

Dropping my head in my hands I stare down at the phone feeling almost ten times worse than I did before the call.

I was expecting anger but all I got was compassion even after how I betrayed him like he warned me not to.

In that one call he's been more compassionate and understanding than any of the others have been all day.

I don't know what or how to think.