Joost And me

No way back

I had a nightmare...
A very dark one, I was lost and I couldn't find my way back to civilization.
I ran through the forest, but I couldn't find my own house.
With tears in my eyes, I touched every tree in the area to find something to hold on to.
I couldn't see anything because of the fog and the moss felt cold on my feet, my bare feet...

I woke up and kept my eyes shut tight, afraid this was another sleep paralysis.
I wiggled my toes and noticed that I woke up a little faster.

"Joost?" I mumbled.
My room was so dark that when I turned over in bed I didn't see him.
So I reached over to the side of the bed where he had fallen asleep last night.
I didn't feel it and when my hand moved even further to the other half, the sheet was cold.

Ice cold, as if no one had ever been there.
Suddenly I had a brilliant idea, got up and walked out of my bedroom.
I suspected that Joost was in the living room because he might not be able to sleep anymore.

Curiously, I looked around the corner from the hallway towards the living room.
No Joost to be seen.
Instead of that I saw a yellow memo note on the back of the couch. With high emotions, I walked over to the yellow note and ripped it off the railing.

SORRY I DON'T KNOW IT ANYMORE
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY WHEN YOU SEE THIS
I'LL LET YOU HEAR FROM ME, OKAY?
LOVE

I started laughing, out of anger... while Joost had written that he hopes I'm not angry.
'Well guess what Joost? I am angry,' I thought as I still held the note.

I sat down on my couch and I couldn't place the anger I had inside me. I also have the fear he has, but I would never do something like what he has done now.
I fell in love very quickly and now it seems like he took advantage of that.

I got up and walked to the garden door to catch my breath outside in the chair.
I felt hurt...
Of course I had a crush on him for a long time, I already liked his music seven years ago and I only started developing my crush a year ago... but still, being in love with a person who is far away from you is different than falling in love with someone who is suddenly close to you.

I opened the plastic box next to me, once purchased by my mother when I was still in contact with her.
At the time, it seemed like a nice idea to put all kinds of memories in the box, such as old photos from the past, but instead of that I kept a pack of cigarettes with a lighter in case of an emergency.
The smoke tasted extra good with hints of frustration and anger, the wind came up and I smelled the smell of my hair. It smelled of alcohol, cigarettes and last night's rain.

I thought back to that moment, the moment he ran after me through the rain.
His hair wet and wild because of all the raindrops that had fallen on his head, the raindrops that dripped from his face when he kissed me intensely.

I felt a shiver run through my body, as if his hands had never left my body from touching him.
I frowned and took another long drag on my cigarette, "You know what? I actually already knew what kind of person he was when I had an extreme fan phase... I could have imagined this' I thought to myself and I nodded convincingly yes, if someone saw me now that person would think I was crazy.

I stubbed out my butt in the ashtray next to the chair, sighing and almost complaining as I walked in with a heavy feeling.
I changed my bed and tried not to think about what had happened between us..
I tried not to feel his hands running over my thighs, I tried not to hear his voice in my ears, I tried to forget all this and not feel sick after giving myself so easily.

This is exactly what my problem is, when I'm in love I quickly think that someone is using me.
But he must have a logical explanation, I repeated that over and over in my head until the thought started to feel good.

By the time that thought started to feel good, I had done all the housework including giving myself a massive cleaning in the shower.

I had ordered my dinner and when I finally sat on the couch with my Penne Carbonara, I turned on the TV and watched SOAP FOR YOU, a talk show program where they discuss the latest gossip from the most famous Dutch people at the moment.

I stuffed my mouth with Penne and didn't really show any interest until I heard Joost's name in the program.

Presenter: 'Joost Klein has been spotted in Rome and shows nothing different than what we are used to from him.
In the photos he appeared again as we know him, cheerful and incredibly nonchalant.'

My mouth dropped open in surprise after I swallowed my bite.
Rome?? Italy?? And he couldn't say this?

With the anger finally coming out after bottling it up all day, I put my food down on the coffee table and made a beeline for my bedroom, where my phone was.

I soon had something in mind to send to him and I opened my Instagram.
When I opened our chat I saw that he had sent something but I didn't care so I kept typing about what I had to say.
Until my eye fell on the abbreviations 'AMS-FCO'
In other words Amsterdam- To an airport of Rome.

I looked at the plane ticket carefully before I wanted to send my message and when I saw my name on it and what was written below the screenshot I was completely surprised..

JOOST: Are you coming to Rome? I'm sorry I left like that, but I really want you here. Tomorrow is the flight and the time is in the screenshot <3, love.