I couldn't sleep thinking about everything my wife had said. Was I really what she said I was? A total people-pleaser, someone with the messiah complex, a terrible husband?
Sa dami ng luhang iniyak ng asawa mo nang dahil sa'yo, talagang nagdadalawang isip ka pa kung terrible husband ka nga ba o hindi?
But I knew that I know how to say no. I have said no countless times to people who deserved it. I've said no to some of my Brods, I've said no to Sienna, I've said no to my parents, even my wife's parents...
In fact, I've said no to everyone except my wife.
I got off the bed to open the closet and get my set of spare keys before heading to our bedroom. I silently opened the door and then closed it behind me before walking to the bed to lie down beside my wife; she was clutching a pillow to her chest and she stirred when the bed shifted with my weight.
I pulled the pillow off her then I guided her arms around my waist.
"Hindi mo lang alam kung gaano kita kamahal..." I whispered against her hair. "Lahat kaya kong hindian para sa'yo..."
She pushed me off her but I threw a leg over her hip. I knew that she had woken up when she turned away.
"Lalabs...?"
She didn't reply.
"Sorry, may susi ako sa kuwarto. Alam ko kasing minsan kapag nagagalit ka, nagkukulong ka rito and I couldn't help but get worried kaya nagpagawa ako ng duplicate. Sorry rin kasi hindi kita tinanong kung okay lang ba..."
She remained quiet.
"Gusto kong sabihin sa'yo na naiintindihan kita. Kahit ang sakit ng mga sinabi mo. I am sorry if unintentionally I am the one who's steering this relationship, that wasn't what I had in mind when we got married. I wanted this marriage to be a partnership of equals and I am sorry that that's not what's happening. Pasensya ka na if sometimes I go ahead and make decisions without asking you, hindi ako aware kadalasan. Tama ka, I just assume. Minsan kasi I settle into the gender roles – tulad ng ako ang nagdedesisyon what lock we use, when the cars should be scheduled for maintenance at hands off ako pagdating sa kung anong kulay ng kurtina, anong klaseng towel ang bibilhin, anong designs ng mga pinggan because that's your area. Sorry, Lalabs, gan'un kasi 'yung kinalakihan ko, eh. At ang hirap n'un baguhin."
She rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling.
"'Yung tungkol sa pagiging, LC, it wasn't because I thought I can save the fraternity, it was because your father asked me and I didn't want to disappoint him. At kaya hindi kita tinanong dahil I assumed that it was something you'd readily support since it was your father who asked. Pero, tama ka ulit, dapat man lang tinanong kita dahil buhay natin 'to, oras nating dalawa ang apektado."
I groped for her hand to hold it in mine.
"Sorry, ha, naiwan kita. Pero, gusto kong malaman mo 'yung mga hindi mo nakikita dahil hindi tayo magkasama. Marami akong mga tinanggihan, Lalabs, because I want to be with you. Maraming lakad ng brods akong hindi pinuntahan dahil gusto kong umuwi na sa'yo, maraming meetings akong piniling i-cancel o kaya ay i-reschedule kasi kailangan mo ako, maraming pagkakataong pinili kita at iniwan ko 'yung fraternity kasi mas gusto kong maging asawa mo kaysa maging LC nila."
She tried to pull her hand away but I stubbornly held on to it.
"Alam ko naman, eh, kung ano 'yung mga isinakripisyo mo. Alam kong nalulungkot kang mag-isa rito, alam kong nawawalan ka ng ganang kumain tuwing naghahanda ka at hindi ako nakakarating. Alam ko 'yung mga pag-aalala mo kasi sa maniwala ka man o sa hindi natatakot akong umuwi na lang isang araw na hindi ka na naghihintay sa akin. Kaya sensitive ako pagdating sa feelings mo kasi iniiwasan kong masaktan ka because I can afford to lose everyone but you."
