Dreams of Liberty: a Marta & Fina (MAFIN) fanfic

La Culpa (the guilt) - Cap 81

Notes: MAFINers- this is a one-off that takes place after the launch of Anhelos de Mujer, when Marta and Fina have a moment in the store. I had to do something to reflect on what Marta could've been thinking after that. Please enjoy! 

Marta sat in her office, with only the soft light of the lamp illuminating the room. She twirled her pen- the one her brothers had given her last year for her birthday- in her hand. She knew that Jaime was expecting her home, but she needed to write. She needed to clear her mind and alleviate her body, which was still pulsing from the encounter she had with Fina earlier. She pulled out the notebook Andres had given her a few weeks before. She had yet to finish her last entry. She turned the page. How to even start to make sense of her jumbled thoughts? She dated the page and started the only way she knew how.

Querida Fina,

The last few days have been wrought with anxiety, fear, tension, and stress. I knew I had to prove myself not only to my father, but to myself, and I did. But, when the euphoria of the success of the campaign hit, there was only one person I wanted to celebrate with. Yet, how could I tell you that, after being so flippant and dismissive of you for days? I... I didn't know how to tell you- to explain to you- why. Why I have not been able to look you in the eyes. Why I seem to favor Carmen over you. It isn't just because of the stress of the campaign. It isn't'because I don't appreciate your ideas.

It's because I have been wracked with a feeling of discomfort I couldn't name until today. Each time I walk into the store and see your expectant smile, I cringe. I don't feel worthy of your admiration. I know that my avoidance hurts you, but I don't know what else to do- I don't know how to act around you anymore. I don't know how to accept your friendship, or your gestures of support, when I feel so unworthy of it. I have been carrying this feeling of guilt in my chest that threatens to choke me. Now you know why. 

I don't feel guilty about wanting to be a mother. No, that's not it. I feel guilty because each time he touches me, each time I sit plan a future that doesn't include you, I feel like I'm betraying you. My mind knows that we are no longer together. I can rationalize all the reasons as to why this is the best decision for us. Even though it hurt so deeply to hear you articulate those reasons, I've managed to distract myself with work. When I began to seriously consider becoming a mother- it was the only thing that gave me something to look forward to. But, my body doesn't recognize logic- it only recognizes you. My body revolts in protest when he touches me. My body knows that I belong to you- in body and soul.

I have been lying to you by omission- by not telling you of my plans. That's why I can't look at you, Fina. That's why I have avoided your eyes. I feel like I'm betraying you each time I am with him. And, you're not the only one I am betraying. When I'm with him, I close my eyes, and imagine that you are who touches me. It's the only way I make it through the night, knowing that once I close my eyes, my dreams take me to you, where I lose myself in your body, in your sighs, in your murmurs, in your smile.

I'm sorry if this is painful to hear, but it's the truth. I thought I was doing a good job of pretending. But you know me better than that, don't you? It's not indifference that you see, Fina. It's restraint. I must, with all my strength, will my body to ignore how it responds when you're nearby.

This traitorous heart almost gave me away today. We weren't alone in the store by coincidence, and I think you know that. I sent Carmen home early as gratitude for all her work. But I also wanted to be alone with you. I NEEDED to share a moment with you to celebrate the launch of Anhelos De Mujer, because you inspired its name. Your faith in me, the way you look at me with so much admiration, the way you challenge me with your convictions to be braver, to be stronger, to be better. I want to do all those things for you, Fina, just to see that look of pride in your eyes. I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you that in return. You deserve that and more, my love.

All of these thoughts battled with my desire to kiss you today, and to tell you all these things I'm writing to you now. I could see the look in your eyes when you stepped away, dejected, after I told you the news. It wasn't my intention to make you feel rejected. But I couldn't go on without you knowing what my future holds. You are so brave. I am not that brave. I am a coward who trembles under your touch, but who doesn't feel worthy of it. I don't feel worthy of your seduction, Fina, because the woman you desire, is planning a family with a husband she doesn't love. It's unfair to you, and you deserve more than I could ever give.

You deserve more than these love letters that I'll never send.

Yours, Marta.

Marta closed the notebook and pulled out the small compact from her purse, and dabbed at the moistness that settled around her eyes. She opened it to fix her lipstick before she headed home. She touched her fingers to her bottom lip, and closed her eyes. Fina had done a marvelous job with her maquillaje. It felt wonderful to be pampered, and to feel her hands on her, even if Fina's demeanor had changed. Fina had been soft and unhurried, but professional. The tone of her voice had lost its sultriness, and Marta had missed it. Marta had stayed as still as possible, with her eyes downturned, so she wouldn't give herself away. Yet, she could still smell Fina, and feel Fina's breath on her lips. Her mouth had twitched, she had swallowed hard, and Fina had given her a look of understanding before she stood up, and backed away.

"Bueno, te gusta?" Fina had asked, expectantly. Marta had taken long moments to respond. She had heard Fina's voice, but could not make sense of the question. She had been daydreaming of Fina's mouth on hers, of pressing her lips against Fina's beauty mark right above her lip. She had to get a hold of herself, and fast.

"Sí, claro que sí. Gracias," she said as she looked back at Fina. "You've done a great job."

Satisfied with that answer, Fina turned to walk back to the register. Marta caught herself staring at Fina from the mirror on the vanity. She shook herself, took one last long breath, stood up, and made a promise not to be alone with Fina again. Her traitorous body couldn't be trusted.