Gods & Thieves ✔

33. Bitter and Sweet

༄༄༄

Investment.

Without knowing where, I walk away. To the fresh air, away from the heat and steam, from misunderstandings and people...My feet bring me to the nearest door, which creaks open into the courtyard of the temple.

Silence.

It's long past midnight. There's a lawn with flower beds in the courtyard, and several sun loungers where you're supposed to bask in the warmth at sunset, which has long passed, so no one is interested in the place. Perfect.

Taking in a lungful of fresh air, trying to get rid of my headache--shivering as a gust of night wind sweeps over my skin numbed after hot water--I finally wrap a towel around my hips. I'd have to go back inside to get my clothes, through the hall full of people, past Loretto, and I'm not ready for that. I need to clear my thoughts first. So, having covered as much of my body as possible with my lone towel and hiding from the wind behind the sun loungers, I plop down on the grass tickling my feet.

...investment.

My face is burning after drinking too much wine, cotton haze in my head, and despite the chill creeping over my hands, I just want to close my eyes and forget myself. Relax and fall asleep. Wait out all the problems in oblivion.

Usually, when I don't understand something, it makes me angry. I start to feel like an idiot, and it makes me feel ashamed of myself, and the only emotion strong enough to battle that shame is anger. And...yes, I should probably be angry. At my mentor--for all the secrets that fae still keeps from me. At Maricela--for her incessant attempts to unsettle me. At myself! For the fact that instead of trying to fix something, I always find excuses to do nothing.

But I am not angry.

Perhaps, that's why people drink? Not for fun, not for the taste--there's nasty bitterness in my mouth still--but for this haze in their heads.

I only had a glass, but if I had a bottle? Two? I would've definitely been sleeping carelessly here among the lilies and barberries by now, feeling neither doubt nor cold. Shivering again, I breathe at my palms, rubbing them quickly and trying to get at least some warmth. But I still don't want to leave. Not back to people. The stars above my head seem much more compassionate right now.

...investment.

Most likely, this is another of my infantile excuses, but I just don't believe that Tayen can consider me a soulless investment. An investment in what, really? I'll take a break and go back and ask. Loretto has an explanation for everything.

Because there is no other way. Because we can't quarrel again. Because if I admit that Loretto is lying to me, then I'll have to admit that I've never actually had a true friend. That no one has ever believed in me. And then I will stop believing in myself, too.

No, it's better to die in a sweet deception than to drag out a miserable existence alone.

Still rubbing my freezing hands, I hear the door open. I don't turn around, I don't hear anyone enter, not a single rustle or step, but then I feel the ground vibrate faintly when someone sits down behind me. Someone else's back touches mine.

"I thought Maricela wouldn't dare approach us so openly," Loretto says quietly. "I suppose I should explain myself now."

Loretto's back barely touches mine, just a little, around the spine protruding on my hunched back, but I still feel that Loretto's skin is much hotter than mine and exactly as I imagined it to be. Velvety-soft. Well, I wasn't wrong here, at least.