Manual Of The Forbidden - Ryeji

Chapter 33

That was when I noticed that a tear had escaped from my eyes and reached my lips. I was crying.

There it was, and it wasn't a dream, an illusion, or a cruel trick of my mind. Then I noticed that hanging from the building, there was a huge billboard that said —Don't run away again— in big blue letters. I didn't know what it said, I had never learned English despite it being my native language, but whatever the message was, it kept me from moving, I wanted to stay there, watching her.

I made a comparison, and my exhibition fell short. Ryujin was beautiful, in every sense I could see her; her voice, her face, her body, even if she wore the most ridiculous outfit on the planet.

Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind, was there a possibility that she loved me? Just me?

There had to be a reason why I was there at this moment, her singing those beautiful words that filled my soul, that —forever— she added to her melody, but, was all that true? And if it was, wouldn't it still be bad?

The heartbreaking memory that still haunted me was the one where I saw Lia's swollen, red eyes, the sadness on her face, and the x-ray of her shattered soul. Could I be so cynical as to finish taking away what she loved most?

I looked back at Ryujin and another tear ran down my cheek. I didn't even understand myself; if she loved me and I loved her more than my own life, how could we be together? Was Lia's pain the price to pay? It hurt to want to do it to be with Ryujin, I couldn't be that selfish, could I?

It was true that time had passed, but even though for me it felt eternal, it hadn't really been enough. In two months, no one heals a wound, especially if it's as deep as the one I had made. Could I never be with Ryujin? Be happy with her? Did I have to know her?

But I couldn't ignore all this love that burned inside me, made my blood boil, and I even doubted it could fit in my heart or in my whole body.

I felt Eunwoo beside me.

—Tell her it's not too late,— he whispered, and people returned to me, I returned to the reality that suffocated me.

I gave a quick glance at Eunwoo and then back to Ryujin; the murmur of the crowd made me lose the voices in my head, while Ryujin's voice continued to seep into my ears and reached my heart. The distressed sigh I let out became visible as it fogged up the window glass, why did I have to overthink things? Would running away again be too cowardly?

The music stopped, and with it, my heart collapsed loudly into new beats. Ryujin looked towards me and even at such a distance, I could feel warmed by the heat of her gaze.

—What are you waiting for?— Eunwoo urged me, but even I didn't know.

Ryujin didn't move, but the pair of musicians behind her began to retreat, making the scene seem alive.

It was time to clarify things with Ryujin and also with myself.

I began to move my feet backward and removed my hands from the glass, leaving the imprint of my palms.

Ryujin noticed my movement, and as soon as I turned around, she took a step back and started to run away. I didn't know what else she did, because I walked to the stairs and went downstairs in large, somewhat unbalanced strides. What was I going to tell her? My head was a complete mess, and I looked at my feet as I walked, trying to find the right answer to all this dilemma.

Just as I was about to leave through the door, where the dim light of the scarce sun was already beginning to shine, an arm blocked my way.

Ryujin's heaving chest moved up and down under her black shirt, and her irregular breathing moved my hair from such closeness. Having her so close after so long made me completely weak, but I forced myself to draw strength from where I didn't have any to stand, even when my heart pounded against my chest.