Drawn to You

10. What's stopping you?

He parked by the west gate and waited, and five to ten minutes later Xie Lian showed up, looking around. He flashed his lights twice till Xie Lian saw him, and walking over, got into the car.

"Good work today", he said, in a rather standard greeting, trying to fight off his awkwardness.

Last time they talked, Xie Lian left him in Shibuya, apparently pissed off, and Hua Cheng had no idea why. He didn't know what to do: just showing up at TUA with a cake sounded bad, calling Xie Lian and saying we need to talk sounded worse. He ended up texting him, saying he had to go somewhere around Ikebukuro, if Xie Lian wanted a lift home.

"Thanks, you too", he replied. Of course Xie Lian knew this lift home was just an excuse.

He drove for a bit, then stopped at some traffic lights. "Still mad at me?", Hua Cheng asked.

"Not anymore", Xie Lian replied softly. It looked like it, but Hua Cheng still didn't really know what went through his head (why he got pissed off in the first place), and didn't feel like just asking: he didn't like to think he didn't get Xie Lian. He just kept driving in silence, hoping Xie Lian would say –

"It's just the you deserve better. I didn't think we'd need this kind of thing between us, these excuses, San Lang", he finally said, looking disappointed.

Excuses? Does he think I'm making up all this just to... to reject him? He surely doesn't mean he'd be willing –

Xie Lian sighed, and went on, "You thought I was hot from the first moment you saw me, that's what you said. Yes I did notice that, specially at that onsen we went together, you were kind of – "

Fuck fuck fuck! He noticed it, Hua Cheng thought, grabbing the wheel till his knuckles went white.

"Then you made a move at me, just to fall back into this Oh, you deserve better. That's what pissed me off. Can't you see you're thinking so low of yourself, and so high of me, when, huh, when we're not that different? What makes you think I deserve better?"

Xie Lian... Xie Lian, stop, what was he trying to say, that he'd be willing to –

He smiled, a smile Hua Cheng haven't seen before: a kind of naughty, no, dirty smile.

"You told me what you're really into, so I don't get it: why stopping yourself from going for what you want, and", he shot him a quick glance, "Why not giving me what I want?"

Hua Cheng's whole body tensed, and he felt suddenly hot all over, both from that smile and from those words, coming from him –

Did he mean like dating, something romantic? He didn't, right? Not after Hua Cheng telling him –

"Gege, you don't – ", Hua Cheng started, chewing on his words, "I know what I'm like, I'm bad news. I don't want you to have the wrong idea, and I don't want – "

"To hurt me, is it?", Xie Lian completed, pffting a laugh, "You think I can't take care of myself?"

He felt like breaking into a cold sweat, with Xie Lian being like that, "But, huh, but we're friends!"

If he was honest with himself, Hua Cheng never had a moral reason for rejecting someone, specially someone (be honest) he wanted this badly. That's right, I want Xie Lian, badly, but, I can't, I... don't want to hurt him, he kept telling himself. Xie Lian was different than anyone he ever knew.

Xie Lian snorted in reply, "Only we're not, are we? We're just two guys who met by chance and gave themselves an excuse to spend some time together. Now we're getting all awkward around each other, with this notion of being friends, that's all. We're not friends".

Hua Cheng was at loss for words, beyond shocked. What did Xie Lian just say! How could he –

"Gege!", he could only say. That's, that wasn't true! Or... was it?

They arrived on the street where Xie Lian's flat was, Hua Cheng slowing down unconsciously as if too shaken by the whole conversation. It felt so wrong. Xie Lian had just sounded... not like Xie Lian at all.

He stopped the car, still in sullen silence, and, just before dropping off, Xie Lian shot him a glance, smiling wickedly, "San Lang, what's stopping you, huh? What's stopping you? Think about it".

•

Hua Cheng paced up and down, a mug of freshly made coffee in hand, looking at the wall of his studio with his production flow chart, detailing the steps and deadlines for the work on his new book. Random handwritten post-it notes made it hard to believe, but Hua Cheng was surprisingly organised, (for a mangaka). Still, he was behind schedule.

Knowing he wouldn't be in the mood for any really inspired work that day either, he thought maybe he could work on backgrounds or base stuff, try to catch up even by a tiny bit, before He Xuan knew and started hinting he should hire assistants again.

"Fuck! What's wrong with me?", he said in exasperation to himself, "Focus, focus".

He's been feeling restless these past days, not able to stop thinking of that last conversation he had with Xie Lian, and how every time he wanted to clear the air, things went from bad to worse between them. Like last time: he was still a bit pissed off with what Xie Lian told him.

Why would he say that we're not friends, is it how he feels? He couldn't stop asking himself.

But he couldn't be pissed off at Xie Lian either: it just wasn't him to say mean things for no reason, so Hua Cheng had the impression he meant something else, was being cruel to be kind, sort of.

I'm just making up excuses for him, he thought: Xie Lian, so polite, so gentle, sweet even, could very well have a dark side, everybody did. Like light and shadow, sometimes just as high contrast as manga black-and-white drawing. Wasn't it a good thing he was showing Hua Cheng his?

And what he said before dropping off: San Lang, what's stopping you, huh?, that wicked smile.

Xie Lian was hot already, and talking like this, that smile, and giving him ideas... Hua Cheng didn't want to think about it, but how could he not think about it? And every time he did, he felt tense, hot all over, and couldn't pay attention to anything else.

He found himself (again) in a daze, his mind buzzing, looking at his screen who knows for how long.

I don't know, maybe he's just playing it cool. He can't really mean he wants –

And yet, for some reason, Hua Cheng knew he was being serious, and he didn't know what to do.

He never felt conflicted about someone else before. Xie Lian always made him feel good and at ease, and, as soppy as it sounded, well he meant it: he absolutely didn't want to hurt him, yes, he deserved better. He missed him: it's been a few days.

"Fuck it", he cursed under his breath, and, picking up his phone, texted, "Gege I want to see you".

He immediately regretted: it sounded so needy, so desperate. He felt beyond stupid.

But not long after, his phone pinged, making him jump. It was Xie Lian!

He replied, "Meet me at Ichi-Hachi, Sendagi, 20h".

Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it 😉

This talk, and meeting next, all sounds promising!

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