Drawn to You

12. Gege, can we talk?

Hua Cheng wasn't stupid. He could see a pattern there: first he said or did something he shouldn't, and next day he texted or called Xie Lian to apologise. Xie Lian then went oh no no worries San Lang (who knows if he meant it), but still not convinced, Hua Cheng would find some excuse just to meet after and have a chat, clear the air.

Then, things always went from bad to worse from there.

Last time, when he left Xie Lian's flat in a hurry, he had called him the next day too, and Xie Lian had said, "San Lang, I'm not mad at you. I know you're super busy with your book now, don't worry – "

Hua Cheng pursed his lips, thinking of that awkward call: I mean, who leaves right after having sex (hot, steamy sex on top of that) because they had to be up early the next day? Xie Lian wasn't stupid either (and if he hated Hua Cheng's guts by now, well nobody would blame him).

Still, Hua Cheng believed when he said he wasn't mad: just the other day Xie Lian got pissed off at him because of excuses, so why would he come up with excuses himself now, just to give Hua Cheng a way out, instead of saying Fuck off, never ever call me again to his face?

He probably... didn't care so much. Maybe Hua Cheng wasn't that hot, and Xie Lian was turning up a man of the world after all, maybe he... got what he wanted, alright what's next?

Still, still... Hua Cheng couldn't see him like that. Fuck, it must be just my shattered ego, he thought.

On the following days he couldn't stop thinking of that night: at best, he felt suddenly hot, his breathing getting heavier and heavier, and at worst, he'd get a hard-on straight away. Xie Lian, all sweaty and red on the face lying under him, with closed eyes and parted lips... So different than the neat and tidy Xie Lian mentoring students, calm and composed.

And the way he gave him sexy looks, smiled and talked dirty... well it wasn't dirty at all (or at least for Hua Cheng's standards), it was cute: he was clearly going with the flow, living up a fantasy.

And in spite of seeing that pattern, that vicious circle even, once again Hua Cheng was on his way to meet Xie Lian: at least this time when he called, he outwardly asked if they could talk.

Xie Lian replied, "I won't be in my office in the afternoon, then I have something to do after work. We could meet at Ueno Park for a bit, would that work?"

He doesn't want me to show up at TUA, and doesn't want to be in a car with me, with nowhere to run in case the talk goes sour: it's not that I don't get that, Hua Cheng thought. He immediately agreed, and they set up to meet at Ueno Station at six, to give Xie Lian enough time to finish off everything at work.

Feeling restless, Hua Cheng ended up arriving at the park at least 30 minutes ahead, and kept walking up and down, trying to distract himself. Talking to Xie Lian was something he just had to do, but he couldn't help having a bad feeling about it (after all, there's history of them trying to sort things out and...).

Huh, maybe Gege will really say Fuck off, never ever call me again this time, he thought darkly.

He saw a row of vending machines in front of a café, crowded in that summery late afternoon, and stopped, wondering if he should buy beer for Xie Lian and him, to make things more relaxed. But Xie Lian had said he had something to do, so wouldn't it look like trying to keep him –

Then he heard a voice, saying "I'll tell you everything when we meet. Yes, that's right".

It was Xie Lian! Xie Lian walking slowly and talking on his phone, wearing a loose white shirt, holding to his beige messenger bag: he was probably on his way to meet him. Hua Cheng just looked on, as if to make sure it was him, but well of course it was, he'd recognise Xie Lian anywhere.

"Hmm. Yes, he is!", he said, and then, "No, you don't know him".

He thought bitterly, well, talking about having moved on already, having something to do after work.

Xie Lian paused (listening to the other person), then replied with a heavy sigh, "Yes, yes I am".

He went down on that steep stairway to the station, quickly disappearing from Hua Cheng's sight.

Snapping out of it, he run to the top of the stairs and called, "Gege".

Xie Lian had hung up and turned around, asking, "San Lang. Have you, huh, been here long?"

Did I hear any of your conversation, you mean, Hua Cheng thought, and replied, "No I just arrived".

Xie Lian climbed the stairs back and said, "Right, let's go to the other side, to the Big Fountains – "

That open space with spraying water as a background noise would certainly give them more privacy in that crowded park. Hua Cheng couldn't help imagining why Xie Lian chose to meet there: maybe because he had many such awkward chats before (and was more than used to it).

Hua Cheng also thought of that conversation he overheard, and felt stupid at getting to his own conclusions: it wasn't much, and who know what Xie Lian was really talking about... but still...

They sat at some steps by the fountain, feeling a warm breeze and the light spray on their faces, and Hua Cheng kept a sullen silence for a while. Xie Lian didn't say anything either, and patiently waited.

"Gege, I, huh, do you really think we're not friends?", he blurted out, "That we, er befriended each other as an excuse to – ", he trailed off, but well that's what's been really bothering him lately.

Xie Lian looked away lost in thoughts, then, facing Hua Cheng, sighed and chewing on his words, replied, "San Lang I don't actually think that. I'm really sorry for having said – "

"Then, what did you mean – ", Hua Cheng asked, straightening up immediately.

"From the first moment you saw me you thought I was hot, you said. It's not hard for you to imagine I felt the same, but then you started that story about being into casual stuff, I did get a little pissed off, and said that to push you. I'm sorry, San Lang. I thought of playing your game to see where it would take us but, huh, you could tell that's not my thing – "

"That's not it", Hua Cheng replied, "Gege, you know you're sexy as hell. Because it was amazing and I never felt like that before that I freaked out, I think. I'm not very good with – "

Feelings, he wanted to say, but didn't. He had casual sex and left just like that before, many times, why did he freak out? Because it was Xie Lian? But that's what he wanted, right? And why we're not friends bothered him so much in the first place? Hua Cheng was feeling pathetic.

He breathed in deeply, then said, "I just know what I'm like. I don't want to hurt you, Gege".

Xie Lian nodded slowly, and replied, "It's too late I guess". He smiled sadly, and went on, "You think I'm not already hurt, seeing you this conflicted? I didn't want to hurt you either and yet – "

Wait. I didn't want to hurt you either and yet... yet he did, when he said they weren't friends. And when he said he felt the same earlier: he meant like attracted, right? He didn't mean he was into Hua Cheng. But then, seeing Hua Cheng conflicted... why being hurt about it? And playing into Hua Cheng's game. No, no, he still didn't get it at all.

"San Lang, listen", Xie Lian went on, "Let's, let's forget everything and just, you know, go back to being friends? I mean, it's better this way – "

Hua Cheng's mind was buzzing madly, and he remained silent, still not knowing what to say.

Xie Lian smiled strangely: he looked good as always, only his sparkling eyes felt cold and lifeless.

"Let's go out for a drink sometime. Or a meal? What's that restaurant's name again, we went the other day? The one near Okachimachi Station – "

He trailed off, seeming to suddenly remember something, and, getting up, said, "I need to go, sorry. I'll call you. I'll call you, alright, San Lang?"

A difficult conversation by the Big Fountains in Ueno Park. Oh well... 😶

Thank you for reading, please comment, vote and/or follow me for the updates!