Catching Feelings- Leah Williamson

Chapter Forty-Four

Hailey

People always found it weird when I would tell them that I didnt mind being alone. It was quiet, only me and my thoughts and I had all the time in the world to figure myself out. But as I walk through the packed hallways of the hospital, as I drag my feet up the stairs, every step closer to the unknown that awaits for me, as I stand in front of a closed door, shaking with fear of what I am about to see, I can't seem to shake the feeling of dread running through my entire body. And it's quiet. And I never want to be left alone again. 

I dont know if im string enough to do such an easy thing as opening a closed door. What if what I see behind it scars me for life? What if once im inside I never want to leave? What if I'll have to force myself to pull the door closed behind me and never look back? What if I won't be the same person when I walk out that I am now?

A hand on my shoulder is what pulls me back to reality, pulling me from the deep hole it seems I had fallen into. Jacob mumbles something which I dont quite catch. I think he said something like he will let the nurses know that there is a visitor but im not sure. It's now when I realise my parents stayed behind and now I am alone. 

My brain is finding it difficult to keep up with everything around me. It's like im doing all these things and interacting with these people without knowing that im doing it. It feels like my body has gone on autopilot and im watching someone else's actions instead of mine. Like an out of body experience. Jacob opens the door of the room and a shiver runs down my spine. He walks inside, leaving the door a crack open and me standing outside as the light stumbles in. 

There are so many questions I wanted to ask him about Leah. Have you seen her? How is she? Is she injured badly? Why did the doctors say? Will she recover? I keep quiet, afraid that I might not like the answers. 

I fight the urge to pull it open and just walk inside already, but then I watch as two nurses walk outside, their heads down low and I fight the urge to run away and not go through all of this. I grip on the door knob before entering and Jacob walks into my view. I watch his red stained eyes that are mirroring my own and I take a second to analyse him and Leah's similarities. They look so much alike. I can't believe what it must feel like for him. Having to see his sister in this condition. No one ever deserves to see a loved on tied up to a hospital bed. It truly breaks you. It changes you as a person. 

Jacob extends one of his arms, inviting me in as he forces a reassuring smile on his face. I breathe once. I blink twice. I walk inside. 

I never part my eyes from Jacob's, scared to face the bed in the corner next to the window where I know Leah is lying. The only thing that can be heard in the room is the heart monitor which plunges me into a state of anxiety. 

Beep Beep Beep Beep

Jacob doesn't rush me, instead he waits until im really to finally face Leah, and when I do, when I finally walk towards her bed, when I finally tale a good look at her face I wonder why I didnt do it any earlier. 

The sun shines through the window, brightening up the place around her. Her hair is messy, just like on those Sunday mornings when we would stay cuddled up in bed, her eyes shut but her eyelids flutter now and then, indication that she is awake. Under her eyes, black patterns have formed but she looks beautiful nonetheless, just like she always does. I take her handed gently hold it, afraid I might hurt her unintentionally. 

Tears start falling unwillingly at the sight of her. I notice a few flowers and gifts lying on top of the table and medicine which seem like pain relief. I wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could stitch her up back together and tell her that she will survive this. But I dont know who I would be convincing, her or me. 

"I'll leave you two alone" Jacob says and leaves the room, but I only focus on Leah. I focus on her heartbeats on the monitor, on the way her chest rises and falls while she breathes and I thank god that she is okay. 

"Leah" I murmur and a sob breaks from my chest but I try keeping a low voice to not bother her "its me, im here"

I watch her face, the way she looks so peaceful and I wish she could say something back. But I know I have to be strong for her. For myself. 

"You scared me to death you idiot" I sniff, holding Leah's hand with both of mine now, "you're going to be fine, you hear me?" I say even though I know I won't get a reply "you have to..."

I spend what seems like hours sitting at that chair, her hand in mine as I gently stroke it and tell Leah everything I've never told her before, about things ive never told anyone. And I pray that she knows im here, by her side. 

Soon, the door opens and Jacob walks back inside, "sorry but other people are here to see her..." Jacob looks at me in an apologetic way and I nod, knowing that I can't stay here forever no matter how much I want to. 

I take a deep breath, my heart breaking because of what I am about to do. 

"Can you give me a moment, so I can say goodbye?" I ask Jacob and he reemits the room. I turn to Leah and kiss her forehead. 

"I need you to know that I forgive you, for everything" I say, because it's true. Im not angry at her anymore and ive come to understand. I think I understand, why she was able to do anything to win, why she needed it so bad. 

I still dont know the whole truth behind it, behind why she wanted me out of the way so bad. I never got to hear her side of the story because I acted so selfishly and I wanted to blame her. I wanted to keep blaming her Bec cause it was easy, because she seemed like she had a good enough reason. 

"I never let you explain and for that im sorry"

Maybe one day, she'll tell me and I'll know. 

I kiss her forehead again, a tear escaping my eye and falling on her chest, staining her shirt. And I know that the memory of her, these stains... they will never wash out, no matter how much I want to forget. 

"I forgive you but... I dont think im ready to forget yet" I whisper. 

There's too much pain running through my veins. Maybe time will heal and me nd my wounds but right now, they are still sliced and raw. I still bleed. 

"I need to do this for myself" my voice breaks "please dont hate me for it"

With one last squeeze of her hand, I turn my back to the love of my life, afraid that if I look at her one more time I won't be able to leave. 

Maybe one day, our paths will cross again. Maybe one day we'll both have been grown, mature and healed and we'll be ready to talk it all out and perhaps decide to fall for each other again. And then, it'd be easy because falling for Leah is not quite a decision. 

I would fall for her ever since time. In every lifetime.

I hold the door open, aware that I am not the same person that I was when I walked in.

"Goodbye Leah..."