On Your Own ( a Haikyuu fanfiction )

Tuesday. 12 June 2012 ~ Quiet Doubts

Yachi stands very still. The apartment always feels bigger when she's alone.

Her mother, Madoka, had found Shimizu's crudely-drawn flier right before leaving for work. Yachi revealed that she had been invited to be a manager for the boys' volleyball team. On her way out, Madoka had delivered harsh-sounding criticisms and left without giving Yachi a chance to respond.

Still, Yachi knows that her mother wouldn't dwell on the one-sided conversation, and so Yachi tries not to either. Instead, she picks up all her belongings in the living room and shuffles into her bedroom.

The homework that's due tomorrow has already been done. With a few hours to spare before bedtime, she decides to refine the notes she took during class earlier. Yachi mindlessly settles down at her desk and gets to work on her math notebook. Geometry isn't that hard now that she's gotten the hang of it.

Didn't Karasuno's volleyball team make it to Nationals before? It's a strong school, right?

Madoka's criticisms won't be so easy to forget after all.

Shimizu told Yachi that the team is aiming to make it to Nationals again. The magnitude of their goal is almost too big for Yachi to comprehend. She thinks about what it means to represent Miyagi Prefecture in a national tournament, to be strong enough to stand among the best high school volleyball teams in Japan. To be standing among them. Among even more scary tall guys... the thought alone makes Yachi feel queasy. It's the same kind of queasiness she felt when she first met the boys' team yesterday.

Do you even know anything about volleyball?

Yachi feels her cheeks getting warm. Her mother's words won't stop bombarding her. The more she tries to ignore them, the more she thinks about them. Sure, Yachi doesn't really know anything about volleyball's finer details like position names and such, but at the very least, she knows that the ball has to touch the floor on the opponents' side to win a point. Maybe. She's never gotten the chance to properly learn about volleyball herself, so she doesn't know for sure.

Yachi wishes she knew more, but she's also somewhat glad that she doesn't. In her mind, sports tend to have a plethora of rules and regulations that can be difficult to memorize. On top of studying for all her classes, taking extra time to learn the ins and outs of volleyball could impact her grades. But if she doesn't learn, how can she become a manager for the team?

The overwhelming chain of thought leads her so far away from her work, she accidentally highlights the Pythagorean Theorem in blue instead of purple. Yachi frowns at her careless error. She wants to fix it right away, but the ideas rattling around her mind are a bit too much to handle. Her mother's parting words can't be forgotten so soon; she shuts her notebook in defiance and flops onto her bed. The unending echoes of Madoka's voice won't allow Yachi to turn in early. She flips open her cell phone and views her recent calls. At the top of the list, Hinata's name stares back at her.

Before she left school with Shimizu, Shoyo Hinata and Tobio Kageyama had begged to exchange phone numbers and email addresses with Yachi. The two boys -- extraordinary freshman players on the volleyball team -- have terrible grades, and if they fail their upcoming exams, they won't be allowed to attend the upcoming trip to practice with other teams in Tokyo. Though she already said she would help them study at school, Yachi was still surprised when they asked for her number so brazenly. Hinata in particular was very easy to get along with.

As if on cue, Yachi's phone vibrates in her hands. She has to take several deep breaths to slow her racing heart before she opens the email.

SHOYO HINATA:
yachi-san!! thank you again for sharing your contact info with us, and for helping us study! i'm excited for you to join our team!!!

Yachi can't stop herself from smiling. Hinata really is a good person, and he truly believes that she can be a manager for the team. His unlimited optimism infects her. Yachi quickly types a simple "You're welcome. :)" and hits send. Maybe it wouldn't be so scary to be a manager. It might be fun.

That's fine and all, but joining passionate people when you aren't going to give it your all is the rudest thing you could do.

Who is she kidding? "Fun?"

Does she really want to be a manager, or does she just want to feel needed? To feel like she's a part of something? The whole reason Hinata and Kageyama asked for her number to begin with was to help them get better grades. Better grades means being able to go on the Tokyo trip, to practice with other schools and become strong. Their intention to get stronger is so desperate, they asked for the number of a girl they'd only known for two days. When she watched the team practice after school, she could see it on their faces -- the players, the coach, even Shimizu. They were all trying so hard. She wonders if she could ever try that hard.

Yachi has never been passionate about anything in her life. Sports have been too scary to participate in, and she has never felt the urge to pick up a hobby. On weekends, she does house chores and helps her mom run errands. If there are no errands to help with, she passes the time watching cartoons. Her goal is to work at a designer firm like her mother, but is it her dream? Is a goal something one has to be passionate about? If she never took anything seriously before, why did she carelessly accept Shimizu's offer to become a manager for a volleyball team, when she knows nothing about volleyball? Why would she be a manager of a strong team when she herself isn't strong? And despite all of these facts stacked against her, why does she still feel the tiniest sliver of desire to be a manager?

Breathless, Yachi jumps out of bed, flicks off the light, and runs back to hide under the covers. Her eyes close and she hopes her deep breaths will slow down her mind as much as it does her heart.

Maybe her mother is right.