Sunkissed Serendipity

Chapter 39

Julian

The only reason I deflected after the kiss that was two seconds from happening wasn't because I didn't want to kiss her. I did. I so did—the truth is, I think I've been waiting for this moment ever since we started hanging out. And I mean hanging out in Hawaii. I knew that I had liked her then as well, and hanging out here made everything bigger.

My feelings for her were small, but as the days go by, I feel everything related to her. Her touches, the way she smiles at me, or the way she laughs at the dumb things I say. It was so nice to be around her, and the way I felt warmth in her proximity only proved that I liked her more than a friend. But I pushed it away only because I didn't want it that much.

I didn't kiss her because I wanted it so much, and I was—I am—scared that she doesn't want it. Does she know that I like her way more than just to kiss her? Does she know how much I've developed feelings for her? She doesn't know the extent of my feelings, and to kiss her would mean to put myself out there. I wasn't even scared about that; I was just scared that she wouldn't reciprocate it.

I knew that her wanting to kiss me back would indicate that she felt the same as me, but did she? She had kissed me in Hawaii for a dare, and when we landed, she kissed me again. Not because she liked me and thought that we could go further into our relationship, but because she was saying goodbye.

I could hang out with her as a friend, but to mention anything further was setting myself up for failure.

I told her I wanted to be friends, and it was true; I did. But then she said that she heavily agreed with me on being friends, and suddenly it was a punch to the gut. She wanted to be friends, and she felt that so much that she called me later to mention it. I knew that my shirt wasn't the only reason she called me; rather, she used it to clear up the moment in my house. To let me know that she wanted to be my friend.

I'm actually not sure why I'm hurt about it, even though it's true. I do want to be friends. It was safer to be her friend, and it was nice anyway.

I just needed to stop thinking about the almost kiss and how much I'd go back and come across it. If only there wasn't logic to it. If there wasn't anything else to think about other than wanting to feel her lips against mine, maybe this time I could kiss her long enough to remember what they felt like.

I sigh as I head into my house after a short shift at work. After all of the sudden meetings with my dad's case, I have been cutting down on work so I can focus on home. I didn't want to be something else my parents were thinking of. I didn't want them to think about the case and have me out all the time. I wanted to simply be home, and maybe I can figure out what's going on around here.

I saw her sitting on the couch with Jack, and I knew that was going to happen. Whenever I'm at work and my parents are out as well, Isla comes over to look after Jack. It's been a week since the almost kiss, and since then, our first kiss has been okay. We have both gone back to how we were earlier, but I've noticed that I had to die down on the excitement I usually felt about hanging out with her. I mean, especially on the fourth, I was happy to be around here and to hang out, but after the next day, I realized I was too excited.

My experience had led to the almost kiss, so now it was like there was an invisible boundary I couldn't cross. I've been doing a good job at that, though, this past week. I have seen her three times, and each time, we only hung out for about a few minutes each.

Isla notices I'm home, and as I walk over to my brother, she stands up.

"Julian," she says with a smile, I know I cannot focus too hard on these days. "You're back."