Wish We Never Started

33

The doorbell rings. It's late, almost midnight, and Sarah is lights out in my bed with her silk pajamas and matching eye mask.

At first, I ignore it. Sometimes people come home late and drunk and they annoy the wrong door. But then there's a softer knocking, which prompts me to get up and least check through the peep hole.

When I do, it's Sadie. Her hair is wet from the rain outside, and her teal hoodie and sweatpants are speckled like she didn't bring an umbrella. Just drove here and ran inside.

I crack the door. "Sadie?"

A smile blossoms on her face almost immediately. "I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you. I'm so sorry it's late. I just texted you and didn't hear anything back, so..."

"Texted me?"

I don't remember getting a message from her at any point. But when I pull out my phone and check, I see it came through during the whole family divorce announcement fiasco. No wonder I've missed it.

"Oh," I sigh, scratching my neck. "A lot has been going on."

Sadie's face twists from happy to concerned. "Yeah, that's why I'm here. Is everything okay?"

"Um," I stutter, checking over my shoulder. A reflex. I want to punch myself after I realize what I've done, giving away the fact that there is someone else in there I'm looking at.

"Someone in there?" Sadie asks, getting on her tip-toes to try and peek inside. I know you can't see my entire bed from the door, because the cut-out it's in next to the kitchen gives it some privacy. Some.

"No?" I mumble as a question, my gut wrenching at the fact I have to lie to Sadie for how many times now? What if she wants to come inside? I usually would have invited someone in at this point, instead of whispering between a cracked door. God, I hate this. I hate all of it.

"What? You seem anxious?" Sadie says flatly, crossing her arms against her chest as her eyes drift down towards the hallway carpet. She definitely can feel that something is up now.

"No, no..." I begin, slipping through the cracked door to meet Sadie outside in the hallway. I close the door behind me and press my back against it. My face softens at her expression, which is still a bit closed off and vulnerable. But at least it's the two of us, face to face, in a different space than Sarah.

"Everything is not okay," I tell her, my finger nails digging into the door my palms are pressed against. "A family emergency, I guess, came up."

This causes Sadie's face to perk up, her eyes widening in concern. "Emergency?"

"Everyone is okay," I assure her with a shake of my head. "Not that kind of emergency. Just... drama. Really bad family drama."

"Well, I'm sorry. I should get going then—"

"No," I demand, placing my hand firmly on her hip. Probably not the best place, but it's where it landed.

Our eyes trickle up and meet, the magnetic pull strengthening once again. Half of my brain says "kiss her!" but the other half tells me to wait. We left on shaky ground the last time we were together and I have no clue what has transpired between her and Jared, or her and anyone else, or us.

But as it turns out, I don't need to make any decisions, because Sadie pops up and kisses me, her arms looping around my neck. And we're both sober this time, so I know it's real. Even though last time was real, too, this feels like the first time you stand barefoot on the warm grass in summer. So many months with socks and shoes and you can finally be barefoot and feel that the ground beneath you is real.