Lucy Chen had a tough childhood that was hard to look past. After her best friend Jackson West died her mental health started going downhill. Will anyone notice?
I woke up sweating badly and breathing heavily. I knew what was happened it was a panic attack but it was the first time I've had one in my sleep that woke me up. I quickly go to the bathroom hoping to not was Jayden up. I slide down the door pull my knees to my chest and try breathing exercises but it didn't work. The only other thing to stop a panic attack was self harm but I didn't want to. I felt my head getting light so I open my draw and grab a blade. I pull down my joggers and start to cut. I cut until I can breathe properly. My thighs are covered in blood and so are my hands. Tears started rolling down my cheeks I relapsed and I didn't want to.I sit and just stare at my thighs for about 30 minutes realizing what I just did. God what did I do it, I repeat over and over and my head. And there it was the disappointment the hatred I felt for myself. Why was I even here I should've died years ago. Why couldn't he just kill me. I wouldn't have to live through this pain, I wouldn't have to be the disappointment in everyone's life, I wouldn't have to suffer in silence, I wouldn't have to hurt myself, I would't have to be here, I wouldn't be mentally dead inside, I wouldn't have to fake a smile, and I sure as hell wouldn't have to pretend to be happy to be okay.
After what felt like an eternity I was under the steaming hot water getting all of the blood off of my body. The water burns my legs badly but hey I deserved it. It was my fault I shouldn't have relapsed. As I was changing I looked in the mirror god I hated the way I looked, the way my body looked everything about myself. I finish putting my clothes on I don't even bother to brush my hair I just throw it up in a bun knowing I'll regret it once I have to brush it out. I walk out of the bathroom and grab my phone I see it's 6:30 so I just go ahead and call grey to ask for a personal day.
Grey- Sergeant Grey speaking Lucy- Hey sarge it's Lucy I wanted to know if I could have a personal day today Grey- I don't see why not, is everything okay Lucy- yea everything fine I just need to get Jayden settled in Grey- alright well call us if you need anything Lucy- will do thanks
I lay down on the couch and watch true crime for about an hour before I get up and make breakfast for Jayden and me. I make Pancakes, eggs and bacon. I cut Jaydens pancakes up and put the rest of his food on his plate. I then pour him some orange juice before going to wake him up. Buddy it's time to wake up, I say while playing in his hair. Good morning, he says as he slowly sits ups. Morning buddy I made breakfast you hungry, I say as he rubs his eyes. Yes please, he says as he holds his arms up to be picked up. Alright come on, I say as I pick him up laughing. Thank you, he says as he's eating. Anytime buddy, I say as dump the rest of my food in the trash. The food was good, he says as he gets up to put his plate in the sink but I get it from him, Thanks buddy, I say as I rinse his plate off. Okay so I'm gonna clean this mess up then we're gonna go get some stuff so we can decorate your room, I say. I get to decorate my room, he ask's confused. Of course buddy it's your room and I want you to feel comfortable in it, I say. I was starting to think about how his room was at his actual house if he hasn't had a decorated room every kid should at least have it once in their life. Thank you Lucy, he says happily has he runs over and hugs me. I hug him back and proceed to say, Anything for you buddy while ruffing his hair up.
Me and Jayden had a fun time room shopping together, we got him some more clothes and shoes, toys, his bed, and other things to go around his room. We got some stuff to decorate his bathroom as well and I made sure to get him plenty of hair products as well since his hair was gonna need to be taken care of well. I went ahead and got him some school stuff since he would be starting tomorrow. We stopped at McDonald's and ate in since we were out most of the day. Once we got back home we got his room set up and decorated as well as his bathroom and we had a fun time doing it together.
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(His bedroom and bathroom)
Thanks Lucy I love it, he says while hugging me. Of course buddy you deserve it, I say while rubbing his head. Alright what do you want for dinner, I ask. Ummm can we have tacos, he asks unsure. Sure buddy, I say. Can I play with kojo, he asks. Yea go ahead be safe please, I say. I will, he says as he runs towards the back door to go outside with kojo. As I'm cooking dinner I get a call from Angela.
Lucy- hey ang Angela- hey Luce I just wanted to check up on you heard you took a personal day Lucy- yea everything's good I just wanted to get Jayden settled in Angela- how's he liking it so far Lucy- I'm pretty sure he likes it you'd have to ask him to be sure Angela- I'm sure he loves Luce but anyway I'll let you go are you coming in tomorrow Lucy- yea I am I'll see you tomorrow night Ang Angela- night Luce
Jayden dinner, I yell. Coming, he says. He lets kojo in then closes the slide door. It smells good, he says. Thanks buddy what do you want on it. Can I get ranch cheese and lettuce please, he asks. Of course bud, I say as I fix his plate. After we're done eating I give him a shower and do his hair before putting him to bed. Goodnight buddy, I say as I kiss his forehead. Goodnight Lucy I love you, he says as he gives me a hug. I love you too buddy, I say as I hug him back. I clean up the house before I take my shower and lay down in bed while drowning in my thoughts but there was one positive thought that kept popping up. Jayden loved me so that means he's happy here.
