Afterlife: Oblivion #Wattys2024

Jane's Bullshit-Free Glossary

Hey there, fellow dead dumbasses! If you're as confused as I am by all the undead lingo flying around, fear not. I've compiled this handy-dandy glossary to help you navigate the shitstorm that is the afterlife. You're welcome.

T H E   D U M B  S H I T  G O D S  S A Y

➜ Bureaucracy of Purgatory: The pencil-pushing, red-tape-loving asshats who keep this whole shit-show running. They're like the afterlife equivalent of the IRS, but instead of auditing your taxes, they're auditing your soul. These are the fuckers who assign us our Gatekeepers and make sure we're all playing by the rules of their sick little game.

➜ Avernus: One of the two main factions in this fucked up afterlife. Basically, it's hell, but like, bougie hell. They're all about that edgelord aesthetic and being as extra as inhumanly possible.

➜ Elysium: The other main faction, AKA heaven's gated community. These pretentious pricks are all about "virtue" and "enlightenment", but let's be real - they're just as fucked up as the Avernus crowd, just with better PR.

➜ Limbo: Where all of us unlucky bastards go to await our eternal fates. It's like the DMV, but with more existential dread and no shitty magazines to read while you wait.

➜ Incarnations: The big bad boss bitches of the afterlife. These primordial deities are older than dirt and twice as crusty. Each one embodies some fundamental aspect of existence, like War, Death, and probably Divine Constipation or something.

➜ Donors: The sugar daddies of the afterlife. These are the slightly less crusty deities that can apparently grant us a shiny new life if we manage to impress them enough with our cosmic ass-kissing skills.

➜ Gatekeepers / Reapers: Our own personal parole officers, tasked with making sure we don't fuck up our second chance at existence. They're like the lovechild of a life coach and a mall cop, but with more sexual tension.

➜ Charge: That's us, baby! The poor schmucks who got saddled with a one-way ticket to the afterlife and a front-row seat to the cosmic shit show. We're the ones these high-and-mighty pricks are supposed to be "guiding" through the trials, but let's be real - most of the time, they're about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine.

➜ The Crucible / Judgement Day Trials:  The sadistic, cosmic game show from hell where we're all unwilling contestants vying for the ultimate prize: another shot at life. It's like a metaphysical Hunger Games meets American Idol, but instead of a record deal, you're competing for a one-way ticket out of eternal damnation. And trust me, the judges are a hell of a lot meaner than Simon Cowell.

So there you have it, my post-mortem pals. Keep this handy little guide close, and maybe, just maybe, you'll make it out of this eternal shit-circus with your sanity (and your ass) intact. No promises though.

Yours in death and dumbfuckery,

Jane Doe.

                                                             P.S. This glossary ain't set in stone. 

As the story unfolds, I'll be updating this bad boy with all the new bullshit terms the powers-that-be decide to throw at us. So, if you find yourself scratching your ghostly ass in confusion at some new celestial jargon, drag your sorry spectral self back here and check for updates.

Stay frosty, you magnificent dead bastards!