Magic Shop

Batch 1, Entry 2 (Lust's Deadline)

DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE STORY AS IT WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!

Before I get started with my overall feedback on your story, let me first thank you for applying! I appreciate you giving me a chance to try and help. I hope you are able to find some valuable insight in this feedback!

Please keep in mind that what you are about to read is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with it. They are merely suggestions.

I will break my overall feedback up into three distinct sections: what works, what might need some tweaking/clarifying, and my overall thoughts.

What Works

So, I'm going to start right off the bat saying that I don't write or read stories like this, so my feedback might not be the most insightful. The closest I've gotten to this kind of material in my writing is fade-to-black sort of scenes. I'm going to try my best though!

- Photoshoot Scene: I really liked the way that you built some of your scenes. The one that stood out to me the most was the photoshoot scene. I could picture this sort of photoshoot being one that Hybe holds for BTS. The robes with the roses for Yoongi...that was just so well written it deserves a chef's kiss. It was something that I could clearly picture. Scenes like this are invaluable to readers.

- Character Interaction: I also really liked the way that you have the members of BTS interact with one another in your story. The cute exchanges they have amongst each other and the concern they have when they find out Jin is "sick" is absolutely adorable.

What May Need Tweaking/Clarifying

- The Curse: I know the whole premise of the story is that Jin and his family have been cursed, but I couldn't find a spot where there was an explanation as to why. It left the whole curse thing seeming completely random. I feel like during a second draft of this, you might want to elaborate on this a bit more. I especially would like to know if there is a way for the curse to be broken. I do realize this story only has seven chapters at the time of my feedback, but these kind of details would definitely help your story arch. It would also keep your storyline from drying out or you from having writer's block later on. It gives the story somewhere to go.

- Spacing: There were several instances throughout your story where there was unnecessary spacing. I realize this was probably to heighten the suspense for the readers, but it's completely unnecessary. I suggest getting rid of the extra periods that you use to space out your paragraphs along with the extra spaces. You can convey all the drama you need to through your writing alone. If you want to increase drama in a scene, use your writing to do it, not spaces.

Overall Thoughts

As I said at the beginning, these aren't the types of stories I write or read, but I still hope that my feedback is helpful to you! It'll be interesting to see what direction you take this story in.

If you have any questions or concerns about anything I said, please feel free to either leave it in a comment on this chapter or reach out to me in some way or form.

Have a great day and thank you again for choosing the Magic Shop! 💜