Magic Shop

Batch 1, Entry 3 (Copper Pipes)

DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE STORY AS IT WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!

Before I get started with my overall feedback on your story, let me first thank you for applying! I appreciate you giving me a chance to try and help. I hope you are able to find some valuable insight in this feedback!

Please keep in mind that what you are about to read is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with it. They are merely suggestions.

I will break my overall feedback up into three distinct sections: what works, what might need some tweaking/clarifying, and my overall thoughts.

What Works

- Your World Building: One of the most impressive things about your story is the world you have built. Your vivid descriptions and beautiful illustrations have created a world that feels real to the readers. I immediately became immersed in your story and wanted to read more (I still want to read more and hope you update again soon)! The illustrations that you added to each chapter added a visual aspect to the story that is very rare on Wattpad.  Well done! 

- Your Characters: Every single character that we are introduced to was unique and distinct in their own way. Whenever you described a character's appearance, it felt like I had been given a picture of them to stare at. That is how vividly you were able to describe them, but you didn't just stop at your illustrious descriptions. You went on to give each of the characters a unique backstory. I really liked the depth to all of your characters, but I especially loved PJ and Lada. I am rooting for them to eventually become a couple since they are just so cute together! Having characters that you can root for like this is always a plus in a story, especially an original one where the character work starts from scratch.

What May Need Tweaking/Clarifying

- Distinguishing Thoughts: This is just a brief knit picky thing on my part, but I believe fixing this would help make the story easier to follow as it goes along. There were times where readers were let in on Lada's thoughts. However, you used quote marks to enclose her thoughts and her dialogue without any sort of distinction (like making the thoughts italicized or using a single quotation mark). This led to brief snippets of confusion. I would suggest distinguishing the difference between your dialogue and thoughts so that it is easier for readers to discern when they are reading something that the character is only revealing to the readers. 

- Moments of Confusion: While reading your book, there were a few spots where I was thrown out of your world by a jarring error. I've listed a few such instances below.

* In chapter +0.8, there was one paragraph that contained sentences such as:

"Girl looked at P.J.: his face was hidden by a hood, and he was leaning forward, hugging his knees so tightly he was trembling a bit."

"Guy squeezed Lada's cold hand with relief and affection."

"Boy refused to drink, so she increased the airflow from the conditioner...".

The use of the words "girl", "guy", and "boy" all seemed to act like filler words, as if you used these as placeholders while writing out the chapter originally and forgot to remove them before publishing.

* In chapter +0.9, there was a break between one section and another with a "***". This is by itself fine as it's normally used to break from one scene to the next. However, in this case, after this break there proceeded to be five paragraphs that repeated — in less detail — what had already been explained previously. This bit of repetitive detailing should be removed along with the scene separating asterisks since what follows would naturally flow into the preceding paragraphs.

* In chapter +1.4, the story was flowing along nicely until this sentence presented itself smack in the middle as its own paragraph, "Here's the adaptation of the text for an American audience, keeping the vivid and unique character of the original:". I'm not sure where this came from, or why it's present in the narrative. I'm not sure if it was something that maybe popped up in a translation program and was accidentally copied with the story. Whatever the case may be, I'd suggest removing it since it's really out of place.

This — along with some minor spelling and grammar issues — are certainly all something that will be caught during a second draft though, so please don't feel disheartened! I'm merely pointing out the things that stuck out to me the most while I read through it.

Overall Thoughts

I was really impressed by the unique nature of the story. I love how a murder mystery ties into what seems to be a seemingly unconnected young adult love story. I will be curious to see where it goes from here! Keep up the great work!

I'm still new to all this, so I hope that the feedback I gave you will help you as you continue writing and eventually complete your story. If you have any questions or concerns about anything I said, please feel free to either leave it in a comment on this chapter or reach out to me in some way or form.

Have a great day and thank you again for choosing the Magic Shop! 💜