Magic Shop

Batch 1, Entry 4 (The Awakening: Unleashing The Magic Within)

DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE STORY AS IT WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!

Before I get started with my overall feedback on your story, let me first thank you for applying! I appreciate you giving me a chance to try and help. I hope you are able to find some valuable insight in this feedback!

Please keep in mind that what you are about to read is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with it. They are merely suggestions.

I will break my overall feedback up into three distinct sections: what works, what might need some tweaking/clarifying, and my overall thoughts.

What Works

- High Fantasy World: Right from the start, I was immediately immersed in your high fantasy world. As a writer, I personally stay away from writing this sort of genre because I feel like it takes a lot more work than a normal story. You not only have to build an original world, but you have to effectively tie in a variety of fantastical elements. I can obviously see the care and dedication that went in to crafting this world, especially in Chapter 2. I will admit that there were so many details to keep track of right off that I was as lost as I was when I read Shakespeare for the first time. However, I know that things that are this high fantasy are popular, and when written by the right author, it can be a truly fantastic story. That's what you have the start of here, so please keep going!

What May Need Tweaking/Clarifying

- Less Dialogue/More Worldbuilding: You dedicated so much time to building this fantasy world of yours that it felt like it began to fall by the wayside as the actual story started. I felt that we were introduced to a plethora of characters in a short span of time. It was hard to keep track of who they were and their backgrounds because it felt like new information involved in the fantasy world was being introduced too quickly to properly comprehend. Some background information even felt like it was thrown in as sort of an after thought.

For example, when you brought up Zayn, I was lost for a bit about what Zayn was and could do since he seemed to suddenly just appear out of nowhere to make a convenient plot point. I also feel as if the revelation of Arthur's gift was kind of just sprung onto the reader instead of it being more thoroughly explained. I suggest that you slow everything down in your edit. Take the time to craft your characters the way you did your introduction to the story. That way the reader is ready for every climatic situation that is about to take place. You have great characters, but they will be more relatable and real if you take time to build their background clearly from the beginning. (I mean, come on. Arthur is a very interesting character for multiple reasons).

I have this struggle too with some of my drafts, so another suggestion you might want to try is having a trusted source read the story for you. Sometimes we as writers are so wrapped up in the world we created that we don't realize it didn't properly translate onto the page. Having a trusted source tell you this will help you to correct that going forward.

- Dialogue Punctuation: There were grammar errors sprinkled throughout your story which is perfectly fine and typical of a first draft story. However, one grammar mistake that seemed the most consistent was your use of commas in dialogue. Below is just one example of what I'm talking about.

Example (from Chapter 18): "Where did he go?," Matilda asked, panicking.

You already have a question mark being used as punctuation since Matilda is asking a question. Therefore, you don't also need the comma. The comma is used in dialogue as punctuation normally for one of two reasons. Either the comma is being used due to the sentence being cut off by the dialogue tag or the comma is being used in place of a period.

Example 1 (Comma being used due to sentence break from dialogue tag): "I told you once, but I'll tell you again," said Mary sighing. "Don't pack the bread in the bottom of the grocery bag."

Example 2 (Comma being used in place of a period): "Make sure you finish your homework before supper," Mom said.

Now if I had turned Example 2 into an exclamation, it would look like this: "Make sure you finish your homework before supper!" Mom called out.

See? The comma that was once used in place of the period is no more because we have used an exclamation mark as our punctuation. In this case, the exclamation mark is enough. You don't need an exclamation mark and a comma.

Overall Thoughts

I am really intrigued by all the twists and turns your story is taking! I want to know more about what is going on at the school and who is really involved in it all. Keep writing and I will be awaiting the next update!

I'm still new to all this, so I hope that the feedback I gave you will help you as you continue writing and eventually complete your story. If you have any questions or concerns about anything I said, please feel free to either leave it in a comment on this chapter or reach out to me in some way or form.

Have a great day and thank you again for choosing the Magic Shop! 💜