Magic Shop

Batch 2, Entry 3 (Star Wars - The Master and Novice)

DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE STORY AS IT WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS!

Before I get started with my overall feedback on your story, let me first thank you for applying! I appreciate you giving me a chance to try and help. I hope you are able to find some valuable insight in this feedback!

Please keep in mind that what you are about to read is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with it. They are merely suggestions.

I will break my overall feedback up into three distinct sections: what works, what might need some tweaking/clarifying, and my overall thoughts.

What Works

- World Building/Lore: I could obviously tell just how much you love the Star Wars fandom through your story. Your attention to detail from the worlds themselves right down to the innerworkings of the space crafts was absolutely remarkable! I even admired the starts of all your chapters where you set it up in the same way that one would see it if they were watching the movie. Your writing is the kind that takes a combination of passion and dedication that a lot of fanfiction writers don't have. I do have to say that one of my favorite pieces of description by you was how you described the world of Arkanis. I know you said in your note that the town features were of your own creation, and I just have to say it was breathtaking. I could see every inch of it clearly as if I was there myself.

- Character Development: I thought that all the characters that you are focusing on — main and secondary characters alike — have an incredible amount of depth to them. The depth was twofold. It came not only from the descriptors that you used to build the characters, but it also came from the dialogue. Dialogue is just as important as description is when it comes to building and truly developing your characters. I thought your dialogue was flawless. I also loved the pictures that you had scattered throughout the book to further help the readers visualize the characters and the story. (How did you do those, like seriously? They were amazing!)

What May Need Tweaking/Clarifying

- Unfamiliar Terms: For anyone not well versed in the Star Wars universe, there was once in a while where they might get overwhelmed by the world itself. I think that anytime there is going to be a lengthy chapter that involves a bunch of vocabulary that is unfamiliar, that it would be best to define the words or terms at the beginning of the chapter. I think it works best at the beginning so readers know it's there and so they can have a better handle on your story when they reach those parts instead of being left lost or confused. This is a personal preference though, so you're free to do what you'd like!

I also think that it would be nice to have translations when the characters says something in their native tongue within the story. There were a couple of times where Ayen would say something in her native tongue, and I was dying to know what the translation of that was.

Overall Thoughts

As a fellow fanfiction writer, I am impressed by the attention to detail that has gone into your story. No wonder there are fans of your writing that are eagerly awaiting an update. (I am now one of them!) I have to see when this slow burn of yours reaches its passionate inferno! I'm rooting for Ayen and Vadar!

I'm still new to all this, so I hope that the feedback I gave you will help you as you continue writing and eventually complete your story. If you have any questions or concerns about anything I said, please feel free to either leave it in a comment on this chapter or reach out to me in some way or form.

Have a great day and thank you again for choosing the Magic Shop! 💜