To My Father ;

He Has Been So Good (mini testimony)

05-06-2020

I don't wanna pray. I just wanna worship.

Just worship...

He's such a good good father.
I'm so speechless. Cause inspite of all the darkness. All the pain.
I'm a nobody.
I'm a broken person.
I'm somebody who was supposed to lean on drugs.
I'm somebody who wad supposed to lean on alcohol.
I'm somebody who was supposed to gang bang.
I'm somebody who once hated my family.
I'm somebody who was once so shy. To shy to even pray out loud.
I'm somebody who is filled with so many ASHES but he still... HE STILL RISES ME UP. He still CALLS ME FORTH. He still says I am LOVED.
He still says I am HIS.
He still says, I am BETTER that all that has happened.
He still calls me by my name...
He never gives up on me even when I GAVE UP ON MYSELF.
Even when I started doing weed and inside I was screaming cause I knew that wasn't the way.
When I almost did lean on drugs recently...
HE FOUGHT FOR ME.
He's still FIGHTING FOR ME.
For my FAMILY.
For my loved ones, my closest friends.
For YOUR FAMILY.
There are just no no words.
I don't deserve such a love.
I don't deserve such grace.
My clothes are filthy and ripped, and he still clothes me in WHITE and puts a golden crown on my head and calls me " WONDERFUL DAUGHTER OF MINE."
He even calls me friend even though I fail him EVERYDAY.
There are just no words.
There are just no no words.
When I was on my hands and knees screaming and crying at the grave site he was there wiping my tears.
When my family fell to their knees weeping, I wept with them and He was still holding us.
When my heart was slowing down and I wanted to die.
When I was  working at the Zoo and they called paramedics cause they thought i was having a "heart attack" for how much pain I was feeling and I wanted to give up. When moments prior I attempted to jump over a cliff to end my life. 
I didn't care, but screamed and cried " lord please please take me. I can't live like this.."
even when I wanted to DIE He was there holding me breathing fresh life into me.
When my brothers ern came in. I saw it and the pain was so unbearable. The heartache was so indescribable.
My sibling. My brother. My heart. Him and my mother were my heart.
When I collapsed and broke so bad and started having an anxiety attack and I couldn't breathe. My husband crying and shaking me to breathe.
My uncle preparing to do CPR cause my heart rate was going down.
When my aunt and cousins cried with me.
All I could do was cry and scream " lord I need you. I need you. Jesus please please. I need you."
And he was there holding me even when I felt I wasn't gonna make it.
When I began losing my mind. Losing myself...
HE WAS THERE.
Giving me a new mind.
Giving me a new heart.
Giving me a new song.
For he prepared me for this moment. For this day.
My heart.
My mind.
My body.
Everything I am cries out to the Lord. Because He has been GOOD. He's been soo good even in times I screamed crying and questioning him.
Even when I begged him to stop bringing such pain into my life, because in the mist of that, NOT ONCE HAS HE EVER FAILED ME.
In the mist of that HE WAS HOLDING ME AND PULLING ME CLOSE.
Closer like never before.
Being in my fathers arms. I never ever wanna leave again.
I love him so much.
He is my everything.
He is the breath in these lungs.
He is my ONLY HOPE.
He calls me and makes me into SOMEONE.
Its such a love in my walk I never have felt before.
My heart will forever sing his praises because he was the light in my dark tunnel.
My voice will always shout his grace, because he was my lifeguard when I was drowning so much.
I just wanna worship.
I just wanna sing because there are no words, no prayer that would ever describe how gratefulness I am for his love.
Its a love. 

Such a love I never wanna leave...