To My Father ;

Sinking, Yet My Savior Walks On Water

06/07/22

Even without words I know you still hear me.

I'm holding onto you even as I feel the water going down into my lungs.

As the waters of this life seem to swallow me. I'm reading out as I sink. Trying to scream out your name as it sucks me in.

Thoughts come to my mind as I read the depths of this endless darkness/ocean if this is truly the end.

Does my story end this way?

After everything I have been through and endured...is this how it ends? Hitting rock bottom? Drowning? Hopeless? Is this my fate?

...I still remember the day I was 13 and walked up to that altar to declare you as my Lord and Savior. I was so lost. I did not even know if I was going to make it another day. But I choose an act of faith... by stepping out of my chair and walking to that altar. I didn't know what was going to happen, if I was even going to make it another day.

I didn't focus on that...why?

Because I wanted you.

I wanted change.

I wanted to experience your love. This Jesus that my mother, spoke of.

This Jesus that gave her strength and joy each time the doctor said she was going to die. I wanted to experience such love.

I had faith that you would turn these broken pieces of my life into something. Which is why I didn't care who would stare. I walked up to that altar for YOU. I wanted you Jesus.

I received you into my life that very day. I cried so hard. Why? Because I know the past was over. That you now held my future...

The day I got baptized... Joy overtook me. I was so excited yet nervous. Why? Because I knew my life would never be the same. That very day, I fully gave myself to you. I gave my life, and all who surround it to you. I made a declaration at 15 years old that my life, family, future husband, and children would be set on your great love.

This journey has not been easy. But you never promised that. However, you promised you would be with me through it all.

God. Even if I feel you so distant as I scream for you. Even if I feel you don't hear me even when I find myself crying in the bathroom for you just as I did in high school during lunch.

Even as I stretch out my hands reaching out to you, as the waters of life try to swallow me. I feel my airflow cutting out. I feel there is no hope. All these visions I once used to believe so strongly for, just seem so far from me. I just have no words. But there's a small part of me that refuses this as my fate. My heart still beating gives me hope that you are not finished, even if it begins to hurt.

Even though I feel finished. God, I promised you that for as long as there is breath in my lungs, I would serve you.

Although I am drowning in these waters, there is still somewhat breath in me. So I reach out to you. I cry out to you..

God Come rescue me.

You are still enough.

Even when I feel rock bottom in these waters, I am in the most perfect place...Why?

Because you are the ROCK at the BOTTOM.

"...When I am weak then you are strong within me."

You spoke to me at 15 saying, " When you feel as if it is the end is when I will come."

I interpreted that towards my prayers for my mother but never truly understood it... But could it be...

God you were speaking over me, 10 years later? To 25 year old me...

When I feel as if it is the "end" you will come?

I close my hands and surrender in these waters. God I give you full control. Although I feel it is the end, you will rescue me once again just as you have before. Father thank you for peace even if I am drowning. I love you. I trust you. I trust you with my life. You have never let me down and never will you. Even in these very moments.

Jesus... I still believe in you... You will use all of this darkness, and pain and turn it into something just so beautiful. You are still fighting for me. You are still holding me. I will feel your hand reach for me and pull me out of these waters. You will rescue me out of these waters. My lifeguard walks on water.

There will be a new version of me after this season and Jesus will be so strong in her after this.

I give you my life once again Jesus, I set my hope ( even if it is a little) on you. I'll keep opening my mouth because you deserve to be praised even in these moments.

I belong to you, forever.

I've always just wanted you. You are my everything. You have loved me even if I don't deserve it. You have been there when I had nobody. You have protected me. You fight for me, for these is still breath in these lungs. I rebuke these spirits tormenting me. You have no power over me. I belong to the most high God. Your demonic presence does not scare me. I know Who I am and WHOSE I am. I'm being pulled out of this water.

Holy spirit will do CPR on this spirit of mine. A revival cannot being unless there is death... so Father, thank you for this revival starting in me.
Continue to use me Lord. For There is much work to be done. I won't give up... I will finish what you ordained in my life. In the name of Jesus. The name above all names.

JESUS.

JESUS.

JESUS.

JESSSSSUUUUUUSSSSSSSS......

"Great is your faithfulness to me..."

The song Promises by Maverick City plays as I end this...