Thin Line Between You & Me

Chapter nine: Did I cross the line?

Minji

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shut my eyes for even a minute. I didn't want her to leave, and my heart was racing. I felt sick to the pit of my fucking stomach. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, and I wanted to tell her everything that I felt in the depth of my stupid heart so that she could have some pity on me. To have mercy on my heart so that she doesn't crush it any more. So that she could see she's better off being here with me, where her heart is safe and protected. I felt like I was loosing the last bit of my sanity.

I grabbed my lamp and threw it harshly towards the wall. Breaking as I took a deep breath. The sound resonated inside my room and it all felt so confusing as faint memories of my childhood flashed through my mind. How could this be love? Can such anger be result of love? I let out a groan as the next thing I grabbed was a picture frame that I had of me and my sister, throwing it. The glass shattered the same way my heart did a couple of hours ago. I don't know what was happening or what I was feeling. Maybe it was the lack of sleep? Or the fact that once Hanni wakes up she'll start to pack up? I could feel my tears starting to pour down my face and I've never felt such deep feeling of sadness.

I didn't even react like this when my father would whoop me with a golf stick. Nothing has ever made me cry the way loosing Hanni has and it's driving me insane. I wanted to yank my hair out as the tears didn't seem to stop. I was sobbing at this point, my body shaking. I stood up from the edge of my bed and headed out my room. My head was pounding as I made my way to the mini bar my house had. I didn't even care about what I grabbed or if I drank from the bottle. I needed to drown myself in something so that I could stop feeling all of this heart wrenching pain. I didn't even know what time it was.

I drank from the bottle of vodka, not caring about the burn in the back of my throat. Nothing could hurt more than this. Realizing your feelings for the woman of your dreams, but knowing that she would never be yours. Do you know how heart breaking that is? Don't you think I'm not hating myself right now? I want to beat myself up for being so damn stupid. I wish I could just go back in time and tell her how I felt. But would've it had done anything? She probably would've rejected me on the spot and things could've all been worse. And sometimes o just think that I wouldn't be this hurt if it was some other guys that treated her right, but it's this fucking pig that still has the audacity to ask her to come back to him.

I kept drinking, time was non-existent. I don't even remember being at my second bottle. Or the fact that I was making my way to Hanni's room. I kept tripping on what seemed to be on air as I bumped in to the walls. My vision was blurry by the alcohol in my system and the tears that swelled in my eyes once I reached her door. I didn't even think about it twice as I knocked on the door. "Hanni!" I slurred out as I banged on her door a bit louder. "Open up, please?" My plead sounded so broken, I condone myself for such vulnerability.

I felt myself getting impatient, I wanted to see Hanni so bad. I took another sip of vodka, the one thing that I told myself I wouldn't go back to no matter how touch life was at that moment but I failed. I needed it now more than ever. I was about to knock again with Hanni appeared with angriest expression on her face. "Minji, what the hell is wrong with you?!" She spat out and I shook my head at her. "No, what's wrong with you?" She looked at me confused for a brief moment until it finally clicked to her. "Minji, we've been through this. Drop it." She said.

"Seriously, what does he have that I don't? Why can't you stay here with me? You're better off here, enjoying the view every morning, bickering with me every second of the day, or even just watching Tangled on the couch." She looked at me more confused than ever. I took a deep breath as I gulped down a bit more of the bitter drink and threw the glass to the side. The sound of the glass shattering startled her. "Can't you see me? I'm here, so devoted to you." t this pint I couldn't stop my mouth from blabbering off.