Retribution

Chapter 15 - Questions

Before Dr Strawson left, we touched briefly on the subject of a possible new relationship—i.e. Jake.

"What if he turns out to be a woman beater, too? Or a secret serial killer? I mean, the characters he plays in movies aren't exactly Prince Charming's."

With a soft laugh, she nodded. "That's true. He could well be. But how are you going to know if you don't give him a chance?"

"But what if I end up in a situation like before?"

"But what if you don't?"

She had a point. Chewing on my lip, I tried to fight through the confusing mix of thoughts, fears, and possibilities consuming my mind.

"Let me put it another way for you. If you reach old age, and are still alone, will you look back at this moment and wish you'd given him a chance? Will you always wonder whether it could have been something special?"

Sheer frustration made me admit something I'd never said to anyone, "I've not been with anyone but Adam."

"Are you saying you would have welcomed him with open arms if you'd had experience of a hundred men?"

I took a moment to think it over. "No," I said. "Because that wouldn't change what I've been through."

"Exactly. Looking at it from another angle, how many young girls only have experience of one man these days? Again, be kind to yourself, Louisa."

"But—"

"All I hear are your fears, not legitimate reasons for doubting him as a person. Take away all of the elements here and judge Jake based on what you have seen of him so far. What does your gut instinct say?"

"That he's a good guy, he's genuine. Then again, Adam started off the same."

"They are completely different people, Louisa. It's like comparing a plane to a car. It's about what fits you and your lifestyle the best. If your car broke down, would you never drive again?"

I snorted. "That's just silly. Of course I would."

For a good minute, she didn't say anything, she just smiled. "Driving isn't a necessity. There are other forms of transportation available or the choice of just not going anywhere. Everything in life is a choice, Louisa. Remember that. Some people will argue that relationships aren't a necessity, however, forming close bonds, specifically sexual bonds, is in our primal instincts, our nature. We need that bond just like we need the air we breathe."

As much as I hated Dr Strawson for forcing me to look at things in a different light, I was slowly realising that she was challenging my entire belief system and my perspective on the world. If I was in a place to question my own thoughts, then surely I was in a place to perhaps turn to new answers?

***

Jake came back just in time to eat with me. He'd been up at the crack of dawn and travelled over an hour to the set. I felt guilty, especially as he was looking so tired and ragged today.

He hasn't got where he has in his life by skirting around things and doing what others want him to.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, giving me a delicate kiss.

"Like I've been punched in the face."

He smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Something was off. Was this it? He was going to say he didn't want to see me again?

"I need to talk to you," he said, sitting in the chair beside me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to calm my racing heart. I'd taken too long to deal with my issues, my fears. I couldn't blame him for wanting to run. Any sane man would bolt if they'd had to deal with this after any time period, let alone a few days.

"I understand," I said, smiling away my tears. "I can only thank you for saving my life. I'm sorry you were dragged into all of this."

His sandy eyebrows furrowed together. "What are you talking about?" He looked at the drip of painkillers behind me. "Have they given you too much morphine or something?"

My heart stopped. "What? No. You said you wanted to talk..."

A brief second later, his entire demeanour lightened, and he chuckled. "And you thought that was me saying I'm out?" He took hold of my hand and kissed it several times. "Goodness, no. Only an idiot would do that. I...I wanted to talk about Adam."

My breath caught in my throat and my mouth ran dry. "What about him?"

"I want you to make me understand. I need to understand."

If he wants to know details about Adam, he'll ask.

"Understand what exactly?"

"Everything. I..." he kissed my hand "...I want you to know I'm here, to help, to listen, anything. But to do that, I need to understand how it all happened, why you didn't just leave, what finally made you leave, what he did to you..." He sighed. "You're not in this on your own anymore is what I'm saying."

This would be an intense moment for a year-old relationship, but something that was five days old? And not even been through the 'official' chat of it being a relationship? Wow, this was huge.

My initial reaction was absolutely no way. Baring my soul, the ugly skeletons in my closet to someone I'd known for less than a week—did he think I was mad? After what I'd suffered though, that's more than possible. Trying to think of Dr Strawson and the challenges she put in front of me, I tried to look at it from a different perspective. Maybe speaking about it would help me. Maybe talking about it, hearing the words out loud to someone not a trained professional, would make me realise the sheer depths of the horror I'd lived through.

And surely, if any moment was going to clarify his sincerity, it would be this? Not talking about it only reinforced my feelings of shame. Why should I be ashamed for someone else's despicable behaviour? For wanting to believe they could be a good person again? For loving them and sticking by them through thick and thin? There was no shame in that at all.

Besides, it wasn't like dealing with the problem on my own had been a successful method thus far. I'd initiated a kiss with this amazing man, and if I could do that, I could do anything.

Marshmallows.

"Ok," I said, letting out a deep breath. "I hopeyou're ready for this."