Retribution

Chapter 25 - Making Amends and Confessions

Jake disappeared to see Harry, leaving me and Harvey home alone, except for Marco and Jonny of course. Still feeling awful after shouting at him in the car, I tried my best to keep him busy all evening. He helped me cook tea by watching his own sausages on the grill and turning them with a fork when needed. After tea, he helped me make some Angel Delight which was gobbled up by the both of us within minutes.

Finally, after a bath, it was bedtime. I read him a couple of chapters from Esio Trot and tucked him in.

"When are you and daddy getting married?" he said, his blue eyes sparkling with hope.

My heart skipped a beat. "Where did that come from?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I've been thinking about it since I saw Daddy last. He said you were going to get married."

"I'm afraid we're not going to get married, sweetie." I mentally cursed Adam, wishing at this moment in time I practiced in voodoo. "Mummy doesn't want to get married."

"Why?"

Oh dear. I thought he'd grown out of the 'why' phase. "Because marriage is something you only do when you're one hundred percent certain that you want that person in your life forever and you love them more than anything. Forever is a long time, poppet."

"Does that mean that we'll get married then?"

I laughed. "No, sweetie. Parents and children don't get married. You will end up in prison for that. How I love you is different to how I loved your daddy. It's only that kind of love that is allowed to be married."

"Why do you love me differently to Daddy? Is it because of Jake?"

Grinding my teeth, I wished I was outside digging Adam's grave. Did he really think chatting rubbish to Harvey was going to win his case? "No, no, no, not at all. What gave you that idea?"

He rubbed at his eyes, a sign he was getting tired. "Daddy said that you don't love us anymore because you love Jake. He said that you'll come back to us though and that's when you'll get married."

"Unfortunately, sweetie, that's not true. I will always love you because you're my little boy. You always come first—don't let anyone else tell you otherwise—not even Daddy. Ok?"

He nodded.

"Mummy doesn't love Jake, ok? Jake is just a good friend who is helping out with some adult things." I took a breath, biting at my lip. It hurt to say I didn't love him. Did that mean I did? "I'm sorry to say for me and Daddy, we don't love each other like a mummy and daddy should, so that's why we won't be getting married."

"Oh, ok." He sighed. "I'm tired now. Can I go to sleep?"

I kissed him on the forehead. "Of course. See you in the morning."

He rolled over, cuddling his yellow Pokémon teddy to his chest. Before I'd even left his room, his soft snores were echoing around me. I crept out, closing the door behind me as quietly as I could.

A wave of exhaustion hit me just as I spotted Jake to my right. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. Every fibre of muscle in his arms was taut, on show, and sent my blood racing around places I'd ignored for years.

"You ok?" he asked. He put a hand out, reaching for me. "I know that couldn't have been easy."

I put my hand in his and allowed him to pull me into his arms. "You were listening?"

"Yes," he said, smiling. "I admit I'm a shameful eavesdropper."

A bolt of dread burst inside my chest. That meant he'd heard me say I didn't love him. Panic filled my stomach. My mouth ran dry. How do I get around this?