Jaspar: I Still Love You Though

Complications.

"Tell me if you start to feel nauseous. I've had stomach problems before, I know it's the absolute worst." Joe called, as Caspar descended the stairs, back to his room. 

He waited for a response from Caspar, maybe a "Goodnight," or even a "See you!" would make everything okay. But nothing. Joe stood motionless in the middle of the room, picking at his lip. A door slammed. Joe snapped back to reality, realizing how stupid he looked. Reassured by the slammed door, he tip toed past Caspar's room into his own.

He needed to sort this out. Think it through, thought Joe. He headed towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. Thoughts jumbled in his head. It was an endless cycle. There was no beginning, no end. 

Why did everything have to become so complicated? In frustration, he clenched his toothbrush in his fist, creating fingernail marks in his palms. Joe wanted to blame Caspar. Life would be so easy, if Caspar had just told him earlier. But he couldn't blame him. Because he knew, he had made the mistake. He had very clearly, blatantly, lead Caspar on. For years. Because he liked it. And he kept convincing himself that Caspar was just a little more affectionate, that it was his nature. So Joe let his guard down, and let Caspar do those things. He even reciprocated. 

Joe blinked, his eyes looking watery and red. He watched himself in the mirror as a small tear ran down his cheek. He hated feeling sorry for himself. Awww grow up, he thought looking at himself in disgust, spitting out the toothpaste. He rinsed his mouth with water. A tear dropped into the sink. Frustratedly, he wiped his eyes, and changed out of his clothes. He threw himself on the bed, and screamed into his pillow. Who was he kidding when he said "We're still good mates though?" Face it. Things would never be the same again.  

The pillow was scratched and thrown around, punched, squeezed and twisted. It absorbed all of his tears, muffled his screams. It was all that Joe could do, to prevent himself from punching a wall and waking Caspar up. He didn't even want to think about it anymore. All he wanted to do was scream bloody murder and let all his emotions out. Joe collapsed in exhaustion. His eyes were dry and itchy. His face was red and swollen. Emotionally drained, he finally fell asleep.

********

Joe woke up to the sound of Happy Little Pill coming from his phone, beckoning him to wake up, just like every day. It almost tricked him into believing that today was just like every day. Joe blinked. His eyes were dry. Remembering the events of last night, he snuggled back into his pillow, trying to will himself back to sleep. It was no use. Once awake, he couldn't go back to sleep. Joe eyed his bedroom door with dread. Once he left, he'd have to face Caspar. He checked the clock. It was 8:00. Maybe, Caspar wasn't up yet, and Joe could grab breakfast and then hideout in his room. 

Joe crept up the staircase, careful not to make a sound. One step from the top, he was almost there.

"Hey Joe."

Shit. It was too late now. Joe looked up awkwardly to see Caspar eating cereal from the couch. "Oh. Hey mate." Joe croaked, attempting a smile. He walked over to the kitchen counter, avoiding Caspar's gaze. He scanned the counter, looking for something quick to eat. He grabbed a granola bar. He couldn't go back to his room now because that would just be weird. The only other option was out the door.  Once he left the flat, he'd be free. "Uh, Caspar?"

"Yeah?"

"I've got to leave now. I've got-" he paused, his hand already turning the door knob. "A meeting thing like really soon, so I'll be out most of the day." Joe lied. 

"Alright." Caspar said, emotionless.

"You can call me if somethings wrong, or if there's stomach problems." he lied again.