Jaspar: I Still Love You Though

Jeanie

Okay, so there is some sexual content in this chapter, it's not graphic though.  

"Sorry, is anyone sitting there?" Joe tapped the shoulder of a lone brunette sitting at the bar. She turned around. "Oh no, not at all! I'm alone." she said, gesturing to the empty chair. "My friends are over there. They dragged me here."

 "I'm alone too." he lied. There was no reason that this girl needed to know about his problems. His weird sexually confused problems. A bartender came over, and he ordered a beer and coke. 

"So do you come hear often?" Joe asked the girl. He was immediately repulsed by his question. It was so boring, nobody wants to get to know a guy who talks like that.

"Not really. Usually I end up just partying in my room, you know, studying.  It's real fun, blasting music, alone." Joe laughed. This girl was funny too? Maybe God pitied him today. "You go to university?" he asked.

"Yeah, Oxford. School just ended so apparently I have to "celebrate" by coming here, with them." she said, nodding at her friends.

"Wow. You're a smart one then," he said, tapping her noggin. Realizing how weird that action was, he felt a rush of embarrassment and took a long sip of his beer. Slowly, he met her eyes, to see her reaction. She was smiling! Relief washed over him. "Sorry, I'm weird." he apologized, shrugging his shoulders.  

"Aren't we all?"  She took a sip as well.   "And thanks for the complement,  but I'm a film major, so yeah, I'm not Einstein or anything. What about you? Are you in Uni too?"

"No, I uh, decided not to go to college and instead I apprenticed my uncle, in thatching. You may not know what it is. It's pretty much a dying practice."

"Oh no, yeah, yeah. I used to live in the country side. There're plenty of thatched roofs over there. So what are you doing in London then? Bringing thatched roofs to the city?" 

"What?" Now he was confused. Oh. "No, no I didn't tell you. I don't thatch anymore. I, make videos, on the internet." He paused. "It's not sketchy, I promise." he said, laughing.

"What kind of stuff do you film?" She seemed genuinely interested.

"Comedy, Sketches, not high quality stuff. It's practically a hobby, but I can live off of it, so why not?" Usually he didn't like talking about his job, but this, some how this was better. 

"Can I look you up?" She asked, getting out her phone. 

"No, not now!" he said, pushing her phone back into her purse. His hand brushed hers. "You're not going to laugh. I'm only funny to 12-year-old girls." 

"Please? I swear, I laugh at everything." 

"Nope." he shook his head stubbornly. 

"Fine" she said, sighing dramatically. I'll just wait until you're drunk." she joked. 

Joe smiled. "Deal. When I'm drunk, I'll do whatever  you want." he flirted, taking a huge sip. He couldn't help it. It was too tempting. It helped him to forget.

"Whatever I want?" she said, raising her eyebrows.

"Whatever you want." he said, confirming. 

"Well cheers to that," she said, lifting her mug. They clinked, and Joe downed it all. She, seeing him finish it off, downed it too. "Now we can be drunk together!" her voice becoming cute and giggly. Joe ordered another beer. 

The rest of the night was a blur. Joe remembered leaving the bar with this girl named Jeanie. He remembered dancing with her to blasting music, surrounded by sweaty bodies. He remembered getting a little too close. He remembered the smell of her hair, her sweat, he laughter. He remembered leaving the club, holding onto her hand as they left, sitting on the sidewalk, breathing heavily, side by side. Taking a cab back to her house, stripping off her clothes. Asking her drunkenly, "Is this okay?", seeing her nod, placing her on the bed, getting in beside her, feeling her touch him everywhere. Feeling the kiss on the back of his neck. The kiss which made him moan "Caspar,"

Because Caspar kissed him there, because the whole time, in the back of his head, in his drunken state, there was always Caspar. 

Always. 

When the name left his lips, he felt frozen. 

Energy drained him. His body turned to ice. Panic overtook him. There was a girl here, she was kissing him, she expected him to do something. He urged his body to move. He begged himself to turn around, to touch her back. He couldn't. He was repulsed by her. He was repulsed by himself. Only seconds until she would notice . . .

"Are you okay?" she murmured in his ear. "We don't have to do this." Joe couldn't respond. How could he? What could he say? 

"It's fine." Joe said, shrugging her off. To rid her suspicions, he kissed her, closing his eyes. He tried to enjoy it, like he used to. He felt nothing. It was like rubbing his lips against sandpaper. He put a hand on her chest. "Joe" she whispered. 

The sound of his name triggered thoughts of Caspar. Suddenly, all feeling sprung back into his body. He wasn't kissing Jeanie anymore, it was just Caspar. It was Caspar who was running his hands through his hair, moaning. It was Caspar, he was everything. Their lips fit perfectly. He knew what to do, he knew how to make him feel good. His toes curled up, he breathed heavily, spasming from pleasure. 

And then it was over. He opened his eyes. He saw long brown hair instead of short blonde hair. He felt guilt take over him. He would never have Caspar back now. Caspar was back in their flat, alone. Jeanie was looking at him confusedly. He stared at her in horror, realizing the mess he got her into. The mess he was in. "I'm sorry." Joe said, "But I have to go." Joe put on his clothes hastily. 

"Wait." she called, sitting up. "What's wrong?" she begged, looking at him. He avoided her eyes. "Did I do something wrong?" she asked touching his sleeve. He pushed her hand away.

"No! It has noting to do with you!" Joe said, frustratedly. 

"Then what is it?" 

"You wouldn't want to know." he glared at her. 

"If I'm part of the problem, I deserve the right." she countered. 

"It's not you! I said that already." he said, raising his voice.

"Are you cheating on your girlfriend?" she pressed.

"Just stop it! Stop bothering me! You're not part of my life!" Joe yelled, kicking the bed. She flinched in shock. 

"You're right." she responded quietly. "I'm not. You can go." She stood up to show him the door. "Nice to meet you." she said coldly as he walked out. He stopped and turned around. 

"I'm sorry," he said, looking into her eyes. "I promise. Nothing is your fault. It's me. It's all me."