Until I'm worthy

Chapter 10

Regina wakes up slowly. It's a nice change from the way she's been startled awake lately by her mom clattering around the house or yelling, and she sinks into the feeling, sighing in contentment as she wiggles deeper into her covers. There's a weight on top of her, her arm out of the covers and wrapped around something warm. Still mostly asleep, she turns her head and nuzzles deeper into whatever is on top of her, eyes popping open when she feels hair tickling her face. It takes her brain a moment to catch up.

Waking up from some dream she can't quite remember.

Janis. Sneaking into her room in the middle of the night.

Janis...Snuggling her in her sleep?

Regina tenses for a moment, waiting for the panic to come and send her tumbling out of bed. Instead, in this hazy place between sleep and full wakefulness, she doesn't feel like they're close enough. Regina wants to roll them onto their sides, drape herself over Janis and surround her. On the rare occasion she cuddled with Aaron or Shane, she never felt like this. Those moments were filled with discomfort, with the itch to escape, to get them off her.

It's almost off-putting, the yearning in her chest. There's no frame of reference, no time in the past Regina can point to and say 'yes, it's like this.' No way to contextualize it. She just wants.

It's too early to think too deeply about it, her thoughts still coming slow as molasses. She lets herself look at how they're positioned. Regina hasn't moved in the night, so their current position is all Janis' fault. It makes it easier to accept.

Janis is draped over her side, one of her legs hiked up and over Regina's hip so they're pressed together as much as possible. Her head is nestled in the crook of Regina's neck, nose brushing just above Regina's collarbone. Regina's arm is wrapped around Janis, her hand cupping the small of Janis' back, the skin exposed and warm under her palm. Her pinky is tucked just under the waistband of Janis' pants. Regina's face heats and she moves her hand higher to where the cropped shirt actually covers.

There's no need to move right now, something in her reasons. She really is comfy, and she should be able to wake up again and move before Janis can figure out what happened. She lets herself doze off again in the dim light of the early morning, shifting a little so they fit together a bit better but keeping Janis close.

~~~~~

She doesn't know how long it's been when she opens her eyes again, but the light is bright enough to keep Regina from sleeping soundly.

Janis is still cuddled to her chest. Something like relief, like contentment, spreads through her. The past week had been so full of doubt and pain about her friends, but Janis is here. She's curled into Regina's side, snoring softly because she wants to be here. Not because Regina invited her over or because she felt obligated.

She turns her head to check if Janis is awake. Not that Janis would be interested in cuddling me if she were conscious, her mind supplies. Her eyes are still closed, face relaxed. Her lips are partially open, her breaths puffing out against Regina's skin and –

Regina wants to kiss her.

She realizes it in a rush as she looks down at Janis' peaceful face. She wants to laugh, knows it will come out high pitched and hysterical if she does. Where did that come from? She's never – it doesn't mean anything. It's not – it's not a thing. It's a bit of misplaced affection. Because she's straight. She has to be. There's no alternative that's acceptable.

For a second, her father's voice pops into her head, all vitriolic, righteous anger. She looks away from Janis, forces down the feelings rising in her chest because they're not proper. The all too familiar fear and loathing rise in her, make her drop her hand from around Janis' waist. She shouldn't be doing this. It isn't right.