Friendships Transferes and other Complications

Chapter 12 "Incapable of love"

Angela and Nyla knew that it was late but still, neither of them could find rest and so they sat together in Angela's house with a glass of whine in their hands, talking about this and that.

Then there was a knock at the door.

Lucy knew that it probably hadn't been the best idea to climb out of the window and drive to Angela's place. But she had been on autopilot. Crying so hard that it was difficult to drive with a clear view.

As she was knocking in the door, the sobbs were able to come again because she didn't have to drive anymore.

"Oh, hey, Lu- Omg, what happened?"

Angela stood at the door very confused. As Nyla joined her, both of the women started to comfort Lucy until she had calmed down.

"I missed the chance."

Well, let's say that didn't solve up any of the confusion Angela and Nyla had been feeling. It actually just worsened it.

"Do you think everyone is capable of experiencing love?"

Some kind of concern flickered in the detectives eyes when another, this time silent tear ran down Lucy's cheek.

There Angela noticed something. She had Lucy seen in a lot of sad states. Dissolved, after a hostage situation where she was the one who had to shoot the hostage taker to save a five year old girl. Traumatized after she had told her the most of her past. Feared, after Rosalind Dyer had escaped from prison. Today, she had seen her having a mental breakdown.

But never, not in a million years, would she have imagined to see her in that kind of state. She was silent, something she had never experienced from the sunshine in person. Her eyes were undistracted, and her mind seemed to be far away. She looked... almost... numb. Broken.

Then she started to talk again.

"My parents didn't love me. They used me as their personal experiment to be better as therapists, trying to see what would happen if they were kind, then locked me outside while thunderstorm and then going back to being kind again. They abused me. Not physically, but they did. My first boyfriend told me that I was fat. From the kind of meds I took against my diabetis that time, I had gained a little hit of weight, but I was completely in the norm. He got me ro set off my meds and almost fell into a diabetic coma. My other boyfriends just didn't work out. A few of them told me that they just couldn't be into a relationship with someone sick, that they could carry that kind of burden. The fact that one of my dates kidnapped me didn't help, of course. And the last one, well, seems like not even my best friend from high school liked me. She stole him right in front of my nose just to tell me that I wasn't enough for him anyway afterward. Then, two years later, I think for the first time that a guy is cute and turns out... he is just a rapist... When I transferred here, I didn't keep my hopes high to make any friends, but I did. More than that. I found a family. I found my best friend for life. But he could have told me a lie today. They all did, you know? The same shit. If boyfriend, or my parents, or my friends. They all told me that they love me. So often and nicely that I believed it. I bought their lies like a hungry street cat. Now, Tim told me the same. And do you know what the problem is? I think that he meant it, but I still can't believe it. I am too afraid to believe it... No kind of relationship I have ever had was this great, this deep, this important to me... Never... has a person... made me... feel like this... He makes me feel special... and-and... safe... and loved... and I... I can... I can be myself... And he... he really, honestly, still cares about me after I showed it to him... ans I ruined it!"

In the last few scentences, the numb expression on her face had faded and then had begun to cry again. She was sobbing even worse than when she had arrived.

Angela and Nyla had exchanged stunned looks. Tim had told her that he loved Lucy. Of course, their first reaction was finally. They both have obviously sharing feelings for each other for a while now. That it was love was actually really nice for them. But then they had gotten to know what kind of issues and hate with herself Lucy was carrying with her. Just a few weeks ago, they had brought up her old nickname "sunshine" again. It was when she had been over happy as her rookie was being promoted to P2.

Now, what they were seeing, or more feeling in the embrace of their arms with the try to calm her down, was nothing alike.

Twenty minutes later, Lucy had fallen asleep after her breakdown. She was carried onto the couch and covered into a nice blanket.

Just as they wanted to talk about what had happened, they were interrupted by Angela's phone. Tim. Maybe he would bring more light into what had happened.

"Hey, Tim."

Panich filled his voice when he didn't even say hello to his best friend.

"Is Lucy at yours?"

"Yes... but eh... could I put you on speaker Nylas here."

"I- uh... why not."

"Ok, Tim. So what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

Nyla laughed and whispered to Angela.

"He tried to deny it."

"I can hear you."

"I know... but fun aside, Tim. You have to tell us what happened because Lucy, well... isn't too good."

"What do you mean? Should I come? What's up with her?"

They heard how he was already grabbing the keys to his car and was ready to burn the world down for her.

"You don't have to come. She is fine so far. But you have to tell us what happened."

And after a sigh, he did. He told them what happened, and they told him what made him almost drive to them again. They agreed that Tim could come over the next day so that he and Lucy could talk. Then the phone calk was over. Tim was alone with his thoughts.

How hadn't he seen any of that? That his girl, probably the love of his life, was having such a deep conflict with herself. Of course, he had seen her struggling lately with the whole Carson situation, but that? Something so deep what must've been there for such a long time? Like he was doing it way too often, he was making himself accusations.

He should have seen it coming. Now he was the one crying. But with nobody to comfort him. Especially bot his favorite person for it.

God, did he love that woman.