𝑨 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝑫𝒚𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒕𝒆 (𝑪𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒊 𝑩𝒐𝒎𝒃 𝒙 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓)

Chapter #16: Bruises That Won't Heal

(TRIGGER WARNING! DO NOT SKIP! This chapter contains harsh subjects including, violence, unconsentual gr0ping, abuse, transphobia, and manipulation. If these subjects will be harmful to your mental health, I insist that you don't read this chapter. Other trigger warnings include: smoking, burns, gender dysphoria, panic attacks and gagging.)

I AM IN NO WAY GLORIFYING VALS BEHAVIOR! Behavior like this is absolutely disgusting, and I am in no way shape or form trying to make it seem like it isn't. This chapter's purpose is to give Ronnie a bit of depth, along with Ronnie and Fran's relationship. I feel that going into depth about Ronnie's trauma will help the overall plot of the story (No spoilers tho)

(ALSO! Remember that Ronnie's drag name/stage name is Kandi Cigz, because that's what Valentino calls him the whole time.)

Ronnie's POV:

Standing outside of Valentino's porn studio door, a wave of anxiety folds over me. Coming back to work was something I've been apprehensive about, I already miss being a model. I can feel my heart racing, pounding in my ears. I know that if I don't open the door, if I skip work, it's only going to get worse for me. Val will be upset with me, and I know just how terrible he can react when he's angry. My hand is hovering over the handle of the door, but I just can't bring myself to turn it. 

I've just been standing here for like ten minutes. I need to go in already.

I take a deep breath to ground myself, and to keep from crying, before I finally twist the doorknob and force myself to walk through the door. As I walked into the office, my stomach churned with dread. I'd been avoiding this moment all morning, knowing Valentino would be waiting for me. As soon as I pushed open the door, the air was thick with tension. Valentino's voice, which was usually smooth, echoed through the corridor in a torrent of anger. He was shouting into his phone, his face contorted with frustration. The sight startled me, freezing me in place. For a moment, the fear of facing him disappeared, replaced by a mix of sympathy for the poor soul on the other end of that call and a strange relief that, for now at least, Valentino's fury was directed elsewhere.

"YOU FUCKIN' SLUT! YOU HAD BETTER GET BACK TO THE STUDIO BEFORE I DRAG YOU HERE BY YOUR STUPID TITTY FLUFF!"

He presses a button on his phone and snaps his head around, he then sees that I've been standing right behind him, "Kandi! You're back." His expression switched immediately to a happy one as soon as he saw me. 

Before I could say anything back, he starts talking again, "I'm a bit busy today so I won't be in the studio much." He informs me while lighting one of his long cigarettes, "You'll be doing a couple of lesbian films in the meantime.~"

I feel a sharp jab in my heart, "L-Lesbian porn?"

"Yes, listen Kandi- I know you think you're a man and all, but your lack of a dick says otherwise." He says coldly, taking a puff of his cigarette and then pointing it at my crotch, "In porn- it's parts over hearts, you understand, right Kandi?~"

Before I could answer him, he walks away, picking up his phone to leave another message. "Hey, Angie! About earlier-" 

I lower my head and speedwalk to my dressing room, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground to hide my face. I open the door and slam it shut, and the tears start pouring down. I lean onto my vanity table to hold myself up, sobbing as I stare at into the mirror. I feel a static numbness while looking at my reflection, I feel so empty, so... lonely.

I can't feel it within me to even care anymore, it's so exhausting just going through the motions.  I just feel so drained. I'm so fucking tired. Tired of being told who I am, tired of being the people pleaser, the comedic relief. It's so incredibly hard just to get out of bed in the morning, I want to fall asleep and never wake up again. It's so uncomfortable hearing people call me a woman. It physically makes me cringe. Sometimes I just want to peel the flesh off of my bones, take apart my body bit by bit. I've grown so damn tired of this body.