Defense My Heart

Chapter 6: Overboard

I feel like I'm floating in a sea of my emotions right now. It's 11:00, almost midnight, and I'm laying in my bed thinking about Matt. Ever since I got home I've had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I keep replaying mine and his's conversation over and over, feeling like I'm searching for something that isn't really there. The tutoring session went great. I didn't do or say anything too embarassing and I somehow persuaded Matthew's mom to like me. I mean I'm not a bad kid by any means so of course she liked me. Matthew made progress and I discovered that the only main thing we needed to work on was the proofs. Fun. My headphones are in and some pop lovesong is playing on Pandora, guiding my thoughts down the tunnel of confusion that I'm already in. Every time I close my eyes and try to fall asleep I picture Matthew's intense eyes and remember every little detail of him from today and it feels like he's right beside me, which he's not because I've already checked. I usually end up tossing and turning and causing an earbud to fall back out. Then's there's the fact that when I told Matthew that the first thing we had to do was find out what his weaknesses are, he replied, "that should be easy." I've been debating and stressing over that specific part of our conversation for hours. Was he saying that finding his weaknesses should be easy because I was his weakness? Do I make him weak and vulnerable? I don't think that I could make anyone weak. I mean hello, we're talking about me here. It's just all so strange because that's what it felt like to me. It feels like he's saying something more behind that sentence and that it was meant that way for me. It feels like he was admitting to me that I was his weakness. My heart is trying it's best to confirm this but my mind begs to differ. I've always made rational decisions with my mind, and I don't want to get hurt my letting my heart convince me that Matthew could feel something for me. He's never gave me the time of day until he needed my saving from getting kicked off the precious football team. I wish I could talk to Stacy about this kind of stuff, but I don't want to annoy her with my emotional problems. She probably wouldn't be much help anyways. She's used to the guys she had crushes on liking her back. She doesn't know what it's like to second-guess yourself like I do. For now I'll keep my thoughts and feelings bottled up on the inside and stay focused on what really matters. But it's kind of hard to do that when 'Overboard' by Justin Bieber starts playing. I'm not crazy about him, but his music was pretty good before he grew up and went bat-crazy. Hey, I'm just saying. "I'm overboard, and I need your love to pull me up. I can't swim on my own, it's too much. It feels like I'm drowning without your love, so throw youself out to me, my lifesaver. Lifesaver, oh lifesaver...my lifesaver....." I finally fall asleep listening to the soft lyrics that describe my inner battle with Matthew and my feelings for him. I wish he was an open book so that I could see all the little details on every page of him. It'd sure be a whole lot easier on my mind and heart! I send another silent prayer to Jesus asking for his guidance, and wonder if on the other side of town Matthew is thinking of me too.

I'm laying awake in my bed and it's already 20 past midnight. Ugh! I turn over on my stomach and slam my pillow down. I need to fall asleep but my thoughts are racing. I give up and sit up in my bed. A little streak of moonlight is falling through the crease between my black curtains. My navy comforter is sprawled around me and my sheets are twisted up. I run my fingers through my hair as I try to send the thoughts of soft blue eyes and dark blonde hair out of my head. A caring smile and quiet laughter echo through my brain as I lay back down. This is bad, I say to myself, really bad......