Bound by Hearts

35. Move on?

Amara's pov.

(1 Year Later.)

The moonlight seeped through the dusty window of my bedroom of the shared apartment I had with Atharva bhai, casting long, thin shadows across the floor.

The room was a mess of textbooks and empty coffee cups, remnants of a life I could barely keep in order.

I sat on the edge of my bed, my fingers nervously twisting the hem of my shirt.

Across from me, Aaron, a classmate I barely knew but had dragged into my orbit for tonight, sat on the edge of the armchair. His eyes reflected a mixture of curiosity and uncertainty. He was polite, but there was a faint hesitation in his posture, as if he wasn't quite sure why he was here or what was expected of him.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.

"Yeah, I mean, it's just... a make-out session. No big deal, right?"

Aaron nodded, though the uncertainty didn't leave his eyes. He leaned in, and for a moment, there was a fragile hope in my heart. This was it—the moment I would reclaim some semblance of control over my own body, of my own life.

When our lips met, the kiss was tentative at first. I tried to dive into it with a fervor I hoped would make me forget my troubled past and my recent struggles. I pressed myself against Aaron, my hands gripping the sides of his face with a desperate strength. But as the kiss deepened, I felt something shift inside me.

My mind raced. This isn't how it was supposed to be. This was supposed to be empowering, liberating. About how maybe this was supposed to mean that I had power over myself that I could be touched in the way I wanted and not the way I had been. I had hoped to feel something like control, something I hadn't had in so long.

But now, all I felt was a hollow ache, a profound sense of emptiness.

I pulled back abruptly, my breath catching in my throat.

"Wait. I... I can't do this."

"Are you okay?" Aaron asked his brows furrowed together and confusion lacing his eyes.

It was not his fault. It was mine. It was my fault for thinking that I can overcome the horrors of my past. It is my foolish and baseless wish and I can't seem to deter myself from the one point in my life where I had been a victim.

"No," I said, my voice breaking as tears pricked at my eyes. "I'm not okay."

I turned away from him, my hands flying to my face as I tried to stifle the sobs that began to escape me. The room seemed to spin around me, the edges of my vision blurring. I tried to make sense of what had just happened, but the emotions were a chaotic storm in my mind.

What was I thinking?
How did I think a simple kiss could fix everything that was broken inside me?

I had sought control, but instead, I had only managed to deepen my own despair.

Why did I think this would work? I thought frantically.

What did I expect to happen?

That I could undo the past?

I can't...
I can't undo the past. Or anything else in my life.

The absurdity of my situation was almost laughable. I had imagined that this would be my moment of triumph, a small victory over my own demons. Instead, I was left with nothing but the cold reality that my attempt at control had failed spectacularly.