Small Occurrences in a Little Life

i don't know what else to say

i dont know what else to say but.......i miss you. i miss thinking i might actually get to be happy.....with you. but i fucked up and then you fucked up and we both kept fucking it up for us and we hurt each other, well you hurt me but i never really knew if you actually liked me or if you just wanted someone. maybe i did too, only wanted someone, because i remember being so completely infatuated with you before you asked me out and then suddenly it was all too real and i was scared and i didn't seem to like you anymore, i brushed you off and then you started ignoring me and i wanted to go back to before that stupid, stupid fucking question. i missed you, i fucking missed you, after what i fucking did to you, i had no right to feel that way. and then you were gone and i was so worried i regretted not hugging you back that morning, i felt partially responsible because it was just after everything went south with us, but then i remember why would i think i made that big of an impact on you i was nothing, i am nothing. and then you came back and things were a little better but that was before i realized that you had left me behind and when it hit me it was already too late for me to catch up with your brisk pace, after all my legs are short. you were already with her, then the next girl, and the next, and i was so fucking hurt, i avoided you and forced myself to be angry at you. when i realized, too late, that i was being petty, do you know how much it fucking hurt to see you wrap your arms around her, like you once did me, how much i craved to feel that, how much i regretted and regret now that i didn't hold you back when i had the chance. i have no right to feel this way now i did it to myself. i did this but I'm too much of a coward to fix this, because i fear rejection because that is all ive ever known, whether at my own hand or someone else's. because if i wouldn't choose myself then who the hell would, I'm a self-pitying, bitch, I'm a bitch to the people i care about, who does that! i don't know how they stay but I am truly grateful for that, but i wouldn't choose me so why should you? i miss you whether it's the relationship we could have had, the idea of that relationship, your friendship, or just plainly you, i truly miss you, i don't know what else to say.