Small Occurrences in a Little Life

Afraid

Honestly I don't think I'm afraid of dying, but its more that I don't want to hurt the people around me because unlike the books and movies and fairytales, I won't be given a second chance after my attempt or succession of dying or killing myself and see the effect it has on those people. I won't have an angel that keeps me from death and give me the choice to live, or tell me I have someone to live for. I am the rock for so many people, but what happens when theres no one and nothing under me, there's nothing to keep me up. I am the rock for so many people that I feel as if I offed myself, that everyone would crumble with me and that guilt would haunt me in the afterlife no matter what and sometimes I feel good, I don't always want to die but it's somewhere in the back of my mind, whether it feels like I'm just remembering how I feel during those times or the sick feeling that I want to feel like that again. I'm self-destructing and I fear that I will regret it if I take it that far one day, that's what I'm afraid of.