Philophobia - My JoURNaL

Chapter 10# But your misses

I'm meeting them in the same park again.

Elodie is on the grass too, but this time, Max is already here.

-There is a party at my cousin's house today, wanna come?

-Is Ellora coming? - Asked Elodie.

-Uhmm... Yeah, I am. My parents are not coming home until next week, so I don't even have to ask.

-Okay then!

This time, I laid on top of Elodie and started tickling her. She laughed and seemed to genuinely enjoy it, occasionally brushing her fingers through my hair and her eyes lingering on mine with a soft gaze, as we both laughed.

We're on Max's sister's car, heading to the party.

I'm so excited but I'm also getting a little scared. I don't like going to places I've never been to when I'm not with my family, and when I get too excited I might do a lot of dumb things.

What if I say something I shouldn't, or I forget my phone, or I lose my keys? Anyways, I hope I have fun.

Elodie wasn't sure between using lip gloss or red lipstick, so I told her to apply the red lipstick.

Max and I are talking about Hugo while Elodie goes to the bathroom. Max knows Hugo because he goes to the same class as her cousin.

I am starting to generate too much dopamine and I don't want to lose the journal or I won't be able to write. If someone finds it, I'm lost. I don't want to become a motored-moron running around like a firework.

I'm in 'happy' mode, talking and laughing with Max, but I'm also nervous and kinda dizzy.

She has started joking about Hugo; she says he surely kisses very well. I blushed and asked her to be quiet. I was really starting to feel like everything and everyone around me was shaking, and, in that moment, Max pushed me to Hugo's arms, saying I should try and talk to him.

Hugo is a bit drunk and he surely doesn't even know what he's doing.

I didn't understand anything; I was completely disoriented when Max pushed me, and now I found myself in the arms of a guy I barely knew, almost unconscious, with dopamine and adrenaline coursing through me.

I was on the verge of fainting in Hugo's arms, overwhelmed by the rush of emotions and adrenaline. He asked if I was okay, concern evident in his eyes. We talked for a bit as I looked at him intently, my breath coming in short gasps as I tried to calm down. Everything had happened so quickly. There was a moment when we both reached for each other, our hands resting on either side of each other's faces. I had never kissed anyone before and wanted it to be right, but it was such an impulsive moment. My ADHD made me act on impulse, and before I knew it, I leaned in and kissed him deeply.

As I kissed him, an intense wave of emotion washed over me, as if the world around us had vanished. But deep down, I knew it was a mistake, driven more by impulse than genuine feeling.

Then I noticed Elodie coming out of the bathroom, her lips now bare, the bright red lipstick gone. Her expression was a mix of disappointment and anger. She quickly wiped her lips with her hand as she left the bathroom, and her gaze lingered on us for a moment before she turned and headed back inside. I couldn't understand why she looked so troubled, but her sudden retreat left me with a sense of unease.

Hugo turned away briefly to grab a beer and, when he turned back, I had already left, making my way back to where Max was. I needed to process everything that had just happened, and being near Max always helped me feel grounded.

-Damn it! - I said.

Wow, girl! - Max looked at me.

-I-I...

And I fainted.

The last thing I felt was the hard floor against my head as I hit the ground. The impact jolted through me, but everything quickly faded to black.

When I woke up, Max was kneeling beside me, her face a mask of worry. She had her hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me awake. "Ellora! Are you okay?" she asked, her voice urgent.

I groaned, my head throbbing.

-What happened? - I mumbled, trying to sit up.

-You fainted, - Max said, helping me into a sitting position. - Take it easy.

As the dizziness started to subside, panic set in.

-Elodie! Elodie! - I called out, my voice rising in desperation. I needed to be with her, to find some comfort in her presence.

In the bathroom, Elodie heard me calling her name. We were quite close, so my frantic cries reached her through the music and chatter of the party. She immediately ran out, her expression a mix of worry and confusion.

-Ellora, what happened? - Elodie asked, kneeling beside Max and me. Without thinking, I reached out and hugged her tightly when she arrived, seeking solace in her presence.

-Elodie, I need you - I whispered, holding her close.

Elodie hugged me back, her worry palpable.

-Ellora, are you alright? - She asked softly. Her eyes were searching mine for answers.

-You said you don't remember anything. What happened?

I looked at her, confused as FCK.

- I... I don't remember much. I was near Hugo, and then I fainted. That's all I remember.

Elodie's expression grew more troubled. "You don't remember kissing him?" she asked, her voice trembling slightly. "That's not like you. Are you sure you're okay?"

Max glanced at Elodie, then back at me. "We should get you some water and let you rest for a bit," she suggested gently.

As I slowly got to my feet with their help, I couldn't shake the feeling that something important had shifted between us. Elodie's concern and my own confusion hung heavily in the air.

In a quieter corner of the party, I noticed Elodie's hand trembling slightly. She seemed unusually distant, her jaw clenched. "Ellora, what happened?" she asked softly, her voice tinged with a sharp edge. "I saw you with Hugo, and then you were on the floor."

I struggled to piece together the sequence of events. My mind was a blur. Max, sensing my confusion, interjected. "Ellora, you kissed Hugo," she said gently.

I stared at her, my eyes wide with disbelief. "I did?!"

Elodie crossed her arms, frustration and worry etched on her face. "Yes, you did. And then you fainted."

Max returned with a glass of water, and I took it gratefully, sipping slowly. The three of us sat in a heavy silence, each lost in our own thoughts. Elodie's concern and my own confusion hung in the air like a dense fog.

The night had taken an unexpected turn, and I knew it would take time to unravel all the emotions and implications of what had happened. But with Max and Elodie there, even amidst the tension, I felt a small measure of comfort. Yet, I couldn't shake the feeling that I had inadvertently hurt someone important to me, and I needed to figure out how to make things right.