Haseki Mihrişah Sultan

A Child Lost

The days have passed slowly. Winter took the place of autumn. Now those brown leaves that fell to the ground and that fresh, comforting wind that blew were replaced by the whiteness of snow and frost. The trees are completely bare of leaves, and the branches have loads of snow on them. The Royal Garden gives you a slight sadness when you look at it. Its appearance is like a deep well but empty, almost lifeless. The cold is like an unwanted companion that follows us everywhere, at any time.

In the corridors of the Harem, there is an overwhelming silence, sometimes suffocating. It seems that there is no fire to protect us from this cold. Even people's faces look differently. Joy seems to have left only for these months, although it is not far, it is still not here.

The sky is always grey and indistinguishable from the clouds. The sun is barely visible, and even when it appears, it is powerless to make any change enough to change our day and bring a different atmosphere. This season is stealing our emotions, those little colours in our lives. Those shades gave us indescribable sensations, but now their presence has faded away from us. Sometimes, we forget the reason why we do what we do. This season has affected us so much. It seems like when it ends, we'll want to experience it again.

The cold has caught most of the girls. Some of them have weak immunity, but some others are simply caught by this seasonal disease. I also had the flu for a few days, but fortunately, it was not very severe, and I managed to recover immediately. My belly has now grown, and according to the doctors, I should be about five months pregnant. Every day, I see myself in the mirror and dream of the moment when I will hold my child in my arms. When I see him shed the first tears and when he will let out the first sound of his voice.

I want to cry when I remember that my family is not here to see this moment. How much I would like to hear the words of my mother and father. Would they be proud of me? Would they support what I have achieved so far? Then, I remind myself that I do not have to experience these episodes alone. I have Murad, my love, my light, my joy, and my happiness. His arms are salvation for me. They are protection from the evil that can threaten me, and they are healing for my concerns and problems. His voice runs through my mind even when I'm not around. His smile never leaves my sight and appears even in my dreams.

I promised myself that I would be a good mother. I will try for my child, I will do my best to raise him properly. I will protect my new family no matter how small or big it is, even if I have to sacrifice myself. I will love them all the same, and I will treat them equally. There is nothing worse than a parent who favours one of his children over another. Whether they are boys or girls, they don't have to feel the difference, especially when they are the product of a love so strong that it can melt the snow of this winter.

The situation has stabilized in the capital. However, Olga told me that she had heard from two cooks that there is a big hunger crisis in the villages and the surrounding area, and poverty has gripped many people. Winter is making many things difficult. Also, Şehzade Selim has returned to Saray. Murad told me that Edirne had changed him and that their relationship was improving. I'm glad he is happy. Whenever he is happy, I am happy, too.

I decided to leave my room and go see how things are going in the Corridor. Ardita and Olga accompanied me, while Eudokia decided to stay in the room in case something happened. The faces of the concubines were all filled with boredom and sadness. As if they were hopeless. I sat down on one of the cushions and started talking to Alexa. After what happened with Maria, I decided to keep her close to me.

- Have you decided on a name? - she asked me.

- Name? Not really, we haven't talked about it, - I answered calmly.

- But what name do you have in mind? - Ardita asked me from the other side.

There are many names that I like. In fact, I don't know if it will be a boy or a girl. Also, it is not me who will make the final decision, but Murad.