Haseki Mihrişah Sultan

New Sultana

I can't say exactly what I feel. I can't say it, I can't describe it, I can't even explain it. I only know that this feeling is not transient. It does not make me think that one day it will go away. I can even say for sure that this feeling will stay with me for as long as I will be alive.

Days became nights, nights became days, joy was followed by sadness and sadness by joy, but this feeling was nowhere. Now, it appeared, so suddenly. I think that the afternoon in which my body struggled and struggled to bring a new life into this world has something to do with this. When my sweats, hot and cold, covered the whole place. When my screams and yelling scared even the sun and made it set.

And precisely at that sunset, a light appeared. Precisely at that moment in this world came a little angel, innocent, deserving of all the possible love and happiness that exists. His eyes that partially resembled mine, his little fingers, that moved to grab something, somewhere and seek protection, and his tears, that dripped slowly, with a cry that made you feel anything, except sad.

Exactly that child, my child, my son, my Suleyman, my angel, my half, makes me feel this feeling. The feeling of motherhood.

Of course, my body did not recover so quickly. The pain was still there. It didn't go away even when I started walking two days after giving birth, but I didn't feel it. I was just happy and joyful, surrounded by a cloud of harmony that stood between me and my little one. When I breastfed him, when I put him to sleep, when I soothed him, at any time and at any moment, this harmony was there.

- God willingly, he will become brave like you, - Murad told me.

- You are talking about yourself, I believe - I said and smiled lightly.

It was such a special moment, so sweet: one of his hands squeezing mine, and the other caressing little Suleyman, only one week old, who was sleeping peacefully surrounded by the love of his parents.

- I am not as brave as you, - he said and lowered his head to hide from my gaze.

- What do you mean by this? - I asked him, and he looked me in the eye.

I knew that he was also going through his own difficult moments, not only in leadership but also in the family. However, this insecurity, this lack of self-confidence, was not normal.

- Please don't do this, - I told him, and he got up from the bed, - don't demoralize yourself, - I continued and also got up.

- No, - he said quietly, changing the subject.

I wanted to speak again, but he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him. I sank into the depth of his eyes for a moment. Their brilliance, the beauty of his smile, the softness of his hands, and the warmth of his love made me forget where I was.

- I don't understand why this is still going on, - I said, referring to the sounds of music coming from the Harem downstairs.- Because you deserve all the fun, happiness and joy in this world, - he answered, gently touching my cheek and giving me butterflies in my stomach.

- Please, take care of yourself, - I added as he was about to leave.

He then gave me a look as if to say don't worry and walked out. Now I was back. If I maybe held back previously, now the situation has changed. I won't let him deal with his burdens alone. We have a son now, an Ottoman heir, and I, as his mother, am responsible for everything that has to do with him. Women usually do not deal with state affairs, but when we stop giving support to those who govern, their entire system of power collapses.

As Eudokia entered the chamber, I told her to watch Suleyman for a while. I'll try my best not to leave him alone, especially now that he's so young, but since he was sleeping, I figured it wouldn't cause any harm if I left him for a moment. My mind was thinking about him all the time. I walked down the stairs to the frontal hall and until I stepped inside the Corridor of the Concubines. It was still the same place, the same walls, the same faces, but it felt different. Very different.