Mine (Book 2 of the His Series)

Important Authors note about my own experiences

So I added the abuse in this story to raise awareness of the victims and also, the stigma that they carry above their heads. I've been reading your comments this week upset with Ellie because she stayed with Chris instead of leaving and left Leo just for a simple kiss. Many of you don't seem to understand the mind of an abuse victim. Abuse is a cycle, and eventually said victim is brainwashed and sometimes, severely damaged. 

When all you are subjected to is the constant bombardment of detrimental phases and damaging acts, it starts taking a toll on you. And it can happen to anyone, no matter how smart or strong you are, because abuse is sneaky like that, and there are many forms besides physical because emotional and verbal can pack mean punches. 

For example: I myself was in an abusive relationship recently and didn't even know it until someone brought it to my attention. He didn't hit me, but he made sure he brought me down,especially in the end. Even if he didn't always do things to me and we'd laugh and cuddle and be lovey dovey, he would make me feel bad for feeling a certain way or make me hate my body even more than I already did, even when he praised it at the same time. I'm a black girl with a small butt, but I'm okay with it. I haven't been insecure about it for years, until I met him (we'll call him A) my first year of uni. The worst part is I didn't know him well enough to date him, but because my esteem is so low and I thought we had a great connection, I was an easy target. Not to mention he is two years older than me, so he also seemed to use age to his advantage.

He also was my math tutor, and I guess we got close pretty fast. So one day I met up with him after my math class to get help on the homework and I had dressed pretty nicely that day and I was feeling great about myself. So Im in his dorm's common room and his roommate is also sitting there. So his roommate says "you're trying to turn some heads huh?" You know, teasing me in good nature. And before I could say anything, A intervened and said "how can she turn heads with no ass!?" And that hurt my feelings and changed how I looked at him. That was the first event to drive a wedge between us. He would send me videos or tell me to do squats if I wanted a huge butt even when I told him I was cool with how I looked, though I kept mentioning the incident. I wasn't looking to gain a stereotype, but to have him see that he hurt me and that he should feel bad and truly apologize. 

For someone who claimed they loved me for who I was, he sure as Hell didn't. We had good times, but when he got angry it got really ugly. I remember a couple of weeks before I broke it off, A decided to use each and every insecurity I had against me to bring me down even more. It really changed how I saw him. When we argued period, he'd always use old things against me to try gaining the upper hand. And to make matters worse, he used my mental illness as a way to hurt me even more. Last fall I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and also, I suspect I may have Borderline Personality disorder as well (BPD), though I'm not entirely sure. After that, I was done and broke up with him spring break. It took me four months to end it when the second month a voice was telling me that I needed to go, but I ignored it. Even during the breakup he tried bringing me down when I basically said that I was better off without him and that I'd find better (like he told me I deserved -_-.) But really, I think he said that to gain brownie points and to brainwash me even more. He in turn told me I wasn't shit (in nicer terms) He was manipulative as hell, and once again, it took me forever to see it. And now, a few months later, I'm still affected by this, because I actually want him back, though I'm not going to go back with him. Abuse is sneaky, and it can make you think you're losing your mind or making the wrong choice, when in reality, you could be making the choice you should've made a long time ago. And during my relationship with A, my intuition was telling me to break up with him, that I had made the wrong choice. At the time I had another guy interested in me that I was also interested in before I met A. (we'll call him L) But this is reality, and L didn't pan out either. He was kinda like my Leo: nice, caring, wanting to always help me, a gentlemen. But before I met A, I wanted to date L but he never had time for me, and eventually, he started acting shady so I had to cut him off. It was a roller coaster of a year for me, between fighting my depression and fighting the guilt I had feeling for two guys. 

Even though A had his problems, he was there for me, and that's always what I wanted. He also didn't give up on me when a lot of people had. That was probably why I stayed with A for so long, because he was supportive and loved me enough to stay with me when I felt like I wasn't worthy to be loved. He started out like Chris did, and then it got worse. I ended it before it reached critical mass.

I've written all that to say this: No matter who you or where you're from, your background, your humor or attractiveness, you too could be in an abusive relationship. It's important to have strong self esteem and to listen to your gut. Most of the time it can get you out of some very messy situations. So I say to you, make sure you find someone who sees you as worthy and who cherishes you, who doesn't use your insecurities against you. And if you or anyone you know is in a dangerous situation from an abusive relationship, call this number: 1800-799-SAFE or call your local police.

Remember, don't blame the victim. Try being there for them.

Thanks for reading!