The Reckoning - Book Two

Chapter Twenty Nine - Aeris

She was angry with me, I know she was, she had to be, I hadn't written to her and she deserved to be angry with me. But she hadn't written angry words, she hadn't raged and warred and told me of her disappointment. No, instead she had written words of love and longing and it only made everything worse.

How was I supposed to explain to her what I am? How can I tell her of the death and rage and anger that consumes every inch of me and expect her to still love me in return?

I grip the pen in my hand, hand shaking with the ever present fury and knowledge of what it has accomplished these last few weeks.

I know it must be done. I know I am doing what is right. But how can I do all of these things while expecting to just return to her and hold her with hands that have murdered and burned and bought men to their knees without a second thought?

I needed there to be two worlds.

I needed a world where I can do what I must, where I can kill our enemies and put an end to Callin and Arden and everyone that fights for them.

And then another world, a world in which I can be with Daella and not have this guilt, not have this blood on my hands, not feel this constant conniving darkness threatening to drown me under its inky depths.

I stare at the page in front of me, willing words to write, willing my hand to stop shaking, willing for a moment of reprieve from this anger.

I stare at the bottle on the table, waiting so patiently. I had promised I would write and I wouldn't do it while drinking. She deserved better than that.

I force my pen down to the paper and write.

Dearest Daella,

I miss your light, I miss the way you break through the darkness that surrounds me. If ever there was a need for it, it is here and now.

Darkness is everywhere I look and it is consuming in its hunger and desperation.

I stop and stare at my words, just a few lines and already they have turned dark and bleak and before I can even think about it the page catches alight. Flames burn it into ash and I drop the pen and shove my hands into my hair before covering my face and growling into my palms.

I can feel it now, that familiar pull within. I have been giving into more and more, drawing from its power, using it to do what I must.

It's all it wanted. It just wanted to be used. It wanted to fill every inch of me, fill every vein and muscle until it possessed me, owned me.

My magic wanted more.

It no longer wanted to be bound. It no longer wanted to be controlled and conformed.

Every moment I have gotten close to giving myself over to it fear has gripped me and pulled me back from the edge. Fear of the unknown, fear of the outcome, fear of who or what I will become if I give into it.

Once it would have been easy. The knowledge of becoming even more powerful, of fully embracing my magic for all that it is and never doubting its ability would have been enticing and thrilling and I wouldn't have stopped to consider the repercussions.

Now, now it was terrifying. Would it be too much? Would it take everything I am and leave nothing behind? Would the flames that burn within use everything as tinder and consume all in its path?

And the ever constant thought that filled my mind was, would I be enough without it?

Would I be enough, could I get through this war, could I hold onto myself and all that I have become without giving myself to my magic?

With every battle I fight it becomes harder and harder to come back from it, to wake up from the bloodlust and killing calm and see the world around me for what it is and not just who I must kill.

Alvaryn is always there, at the end of every fight he finds me, seeks me out, relief washing over his face that I am alive and mostly unscathed. Embracing me like he had believed he wouldn't get the change to again.

And even though I knew he wasn't here, there were moments where I had sought Demwyn out. Amongst the dust and ash, surrounded by the screams of dying men, the taste of death coating my tongue, I would turn, looking for him amongst it all, but he was never there. My brother, the one who had always been there, through every fight, every stage and onslaught of growing pains, after every explosion of anger, he was a constant in my life and without him here it felt wrong, like I was missing a part of myself.

He was always so sure, so confident in every step we took, every plan we made, every battle we fought, he never doubted us for a moment.

I didn't see the same in Alvaryn. He was a good leader, a good general, there was no doubt in that. But it wasn't the same. Alvaryn was too serious, too measured, too calculating.

I drop my hands from my face and let them fall into my lap, staring at the pen lying on the table, a few sheets of blank paper and a full bottle of whiskey.

I couldn't keep putting this off. I needed to write to her. I needed to tell her something, anything.

I pick up the pen and pull over a sheet of paper. Words scrambled in my mind, all the events from the past few weeks flashing in my mind, but I shove them clear and think only of Daella.

My Daylight.

My Daylight,

I miss you Daella, I miss your light, it is dark here without you and all I can do to get through each day is remind myself that you are safe back at home waiting for our return.

I take a steadying breath, forcing the dark thoughts to stay where they are and focus purely on Daella, writing only what she deserves to hear.

Please don't stop writing, I need your letters, I need your words, I need anything that you are willing to give me to help me get through this time apart.

I am sorry for not writing sooner. This time away is more different than what I expected it to be. Not only am I missing you more than I could have imagined, but I find myself missing myself, the version of who I am when I was with you. You always had this way of bringing out the best in me, even when everyone else thought it non-existent, you saw it and for that I will be forever grateful.

It is a privilege to be yours Daella, one that I will never take for granted and one that I hope will always be mine.

You are the reason I hold on to who I am with everything I have. I don't want to lose or forget who you have helped me become and I don't want to return to someone who does not deserve you and be forced to give up that privilege.

Please be patient my love, I will be home soon and this time apart will become a memory.

Yours always,

Aeris

I sink back into my chair, dropping my pen and letting the ink dry.

I stare at the bottle waiting for me and reach for it, the cool glass feeling like the handshake from an old friend as I pull the cork out and take a long pull.

I had been honest. I didn't want to forget who I was when I was with her, who she helped me become.

But I also refused to be sucked into this world of death and darkness.

One must do what is needed in order to survive.